Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

We over think … wine. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Get it?)

Celebrity Judge!!!

And now — guys, I’m really excited about this — we have with us a man with years of experience battling vampires and other denizens of the dead, none other than best buddy to the Slayer herself — shy, sexually frustrated nice guy Xander Harris!!!

Hunky Xander Harris

Wait, what happened to the shy, sexually frustrated nice guy? Xander? I mean, it looks like you, but what’s going on? Has something about you . .  . changed?

Have your eyes been opened to a whole new world? A world of darkness? Of inoffensive, metaphorical, nonsexual seduction?

Sensitive Xander Harris

Oh, no!!!! That blank “come hither, maybe” stare! Those absurdly contrived teenybopper photographs! The unnecessary, vaguely adolescent stubble!

He goes out in sunlight, he doesn’t play the organ, he doesn’t turn into a bat, he drives nerdy girls crazy, there’s all sorts of adoration dedicated to him on the Internet, and, and

Fantasy videos of him on YouTube set to popular music! Xander’s a vampire!!!

Goddammit, where’s my garlic!! SOMEBODY CALL KIM JONG IL!!! SOMEBODY CALL KIM JONG IL!!!

(Frickin Wesley Snipes had to go and get busted for frickin tax evasion . . .)

Okay, junior overthinkers, that’s a pretty comprehensive list right there, I know we’re going to NAIL this one! It’s time to VOTE!

What's The Best Way To Kill A Vampire?

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12 Comments on “Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]”

  1. stokes OTI Staff #

    Two things:

    1) that Kim Jong Il pic may have set a new standard for OTI photoshop excellence
    2) when I ended my entry with “I just proved it. Statistically,” I didn’t realize that everyone else was going to make a “here’s an official sounding statistic that I just made up” joke too. (I for one blame John Hodgman.)


  2. lee #

    That’s no Photoshop. It’s an actual piece of North Korean propaganda.


  3. pave #

    stakes because all you really need is a bunch of pencils.


  4. El Acordeonachi #

    For style points alone you have to go with the codpiece gun worn by Sex Machine (Tom Savini) in From Dusk Til Dawn.


  5. Frank #

    *Dons nerd pedantry cape*

    Stakes will multiply the force applied to the blunt end by the ratio of the area of the blunt end over the area of the point. So the pointier the stake the better. One might wonder why vampire hunters seem to go with crudely carved stakes rather than breaking out a whittling knife. Didn’t Blade use steel ones or something?


  6. Gab #

    Diggery wasn’t killed by the Goblet of Fire, Fenzel, it was the Killing Curse, Avada Kedavra. GOSH, get it RIGHT. ;p

    I say make them gorge themselves, causing massive amounts of obesity and heart disease. Then they’ll die off. How? Throw enough people with this in their path, and they won’t be able to resist themselves because of the flow:


  7. Carlos #


    You tell me you’ve never pitched a tent thinking about the love of a good woman?


  8. Mads Ejstrup #

    A Danish Christmas tree. I know what you are thinking, why a Danish tree, what is so special about a that? Well, we Danes love to decorate everything with our flag, especially Christmas trees. And what do our flag look like? That’s right, it’s red with a white cross, as in a Christian cross. So a Danish Christmas tree will ad a light family friendly tone to the whole slaying business and if everything else fails, it makes wood handily available for producing some stakes.


  9. Laurence #

    Surely the best way to kill a vampire is to have them watch Twilight on DVD at night? That way they will piss themselves laughing so hard, they forget it’s morning and then ‘random burning noise’ Dust on the floor….

    Sorted thanks to wee Eddie :)


  10. CppThis #

    The key point to remember is that vampires are immortal, thus we need something that is similarly everlasting and monolithic if we truly want to counter the threat. Dropping one at a time with stakes or Korean despots won’t cut it when the other vampires can put dozens at risk in one night of feeding. It is well known that the only certain things are death and taxes. Death won’t work obviously, so clearly we need to get the government involved and legislate them into oblivion.

    Ergo I conclude that tort reform is the best means of killing vampires. And since it’s the government, we can co-opt some of the advantages of using other vampires while we’re at it.


  11. Marmaduke #

    Gab would you believe there’s actually an amazing book called Fat White Vampire Blues that basically takes that idea to amusing heights?


  12. Gab #

    Marmaduke: Wow. Read a blurb about it, and wow. Heh.


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