Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

We over think … wine. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Get it?)

Other Vampires (Belinkie)

The truth is, you are not likely to kick a vampire’s ass. It is stronger than you. It is faster than you. It may be able to quickly recover from injury, hypnotize you with a glance, or fly. Let’s put it this way: if Batman, the world’s most awesome human, takes 85 minutes to defeat a vampire, then the rest of us don’t stand a chance.

But you know who has a really great track record at killing vampires? Vampires.

If you've got a vampire problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire...

If you've got a vampire problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire...

Some engage in vamp-on-vamp violence out of a desire to do good (Blade, Angel). Some kill their fellow undead to project loved ones (Edward, Bill from True Blood) or avenge them (Brad Pitt at the end of Interview). Some are enmeshed in a centuries-old inter-vampire political feud (Kate Beckinsale in Underworld). The motives vary, but the results is the same: little piles of dust for the cleaning lady to ponder come Monday morning.

So I say your best strategy for fighting a vampire is to get another vampire in your corner. A hit-vamp, if you will. Obviously, this is a tricky prospect. Vampires have centuries of practice at staying hidden. And even if you find one, it’s probably going to immediately attack you, which is the exact scenario you’re trying to avoid.

If you’re dealing with the kind of vampires who have human “familiars,” I would volunteer for that. This is not a great life – you’re basically a personal assistant. But if a vampire is actively trying to kill you, getting a job with another vampire might be your only chance. I’m not really sure how vampires pick familiars, so I can’t tell you how to make yourself an attractive candidate. But it certainly can’t hurt to use lots of action words in your resume, and ask intelligent questions during your interview. (Feel free to make your own Job Interview With the Vampire joke here.)

If being a familiar isn’t an option (in this economy, even vampires aren’t hiring), I suggest you make the following offer to your potential hit-vamp: you’ll deliver an entire truckload of blood, in exchange for killing the vampire that is currently stalking you. Basically, you promise to quit your job, and dedicate all your time and resources to getting a job driving the trailer they use for those mobile blood drives. Then, you jack it on your first day of work. Do not make the mistake of delivering this trailer to the vampire in person – it will kill you after you’re no longer of use. Instead, leave it in a pre-arranged location during daylight hours.

You will need a very convincing story for the Red Cross about what happened to their truck. They most likely will not believe it, but if you’re lucky they won’t press charges. Then all you’ve got to worry about is finding another job. Once again, lots of action words in the resume.

12 Comments on “Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]”

  1. stokes OTI Staff #

    Two things:

    1) that Kim Jong Il pic may have set a new standard for OTI photoshop excellence
    2) when I ended my entry with “I just proved it. Statistically,” I didn’t realize that everyone else was going to make a “here’s an official sounding statistic that I just made up” joke too. (I for one blame John Hodgman.)


  2. lee #

    That’s no Photoshop. It’s an actual piece of North Korean propaganda.


  3. pave #

    stakes because all you really need is a bunch of pencils.


  4. El Acordeonachi #

    For style points alone you have to go with the codpiece gun worn by Sex Machine (Tom Savini) in From Dusk Til Dawn.


  5. Frank #

    *Dons nerd pedantry cape*

    Stakes will multiply the force applied to the blunt end by the ratio of the area of the blunt end over the area of the point. So the pointier the stake the better. One might wonder why vampire hunters seem to go with crudely carved stakes rather than breaking out a whittling knife. Didn’t Blade use steel ones or something?


  6. Gab #

    Diggery wasn’t killed by the Goblet of Fire, Fenzel, it was the Killing Curse, Avada Kedavra. GOSH, get it RIGHT. ;p

    I say make them gorge themselves, causing massive amounts of obesity and heart disease. Then they’ll die off. How? Throw enough people with this in their path, and they won’t be able to resist themselves because of the flow:


  7. Carlos #


    You tell me you’ve never pitched a tent thinking about the love of a good woman?


  8. Mads Ejstrup #

    A Danish Christmas tree. I know what you are thinking, why a Danish tree, what is so special about a that? Well, we Danes love to decorate everything with our flag, especially Christmas trees. And what do our flag look like? That’s right, it’s red with a white cross, as in a Christian cross. So a Danish Christmas tree will ad a light family friendly tone to the whole slaying business and if everything else fails, it makes wood handily available for producing some stakes.


  9. Laurence #

    Surely the best way to kill a vampire is to have them watch Twilight on DVD at night? That way they will piss themselves laughing so hard, they forget it’s morning and then ‘random burning noise’ Dust on the floor….

    Sorted thanks to wee Eddie :)


  10. CppThis #

    The key point to remember is that vampires are immortal, thus we need something that is similarly everlasting and monolithic if we truly want to counter the threat. Dropping one at a time with stakes or Korean despots won’t cut it when the other vampires can put dozens at risk in one night of feeding. It is well known that the only certain things are death and taxes. Death won’t work obviously, so clearly we need to get the government involved and legislate them into oblivion.

    Ergo I conclude that tort reform is the best means of killing vampires. And since it’s the government, we can co-opt some of the advantages of using other vampires while we’re at it.


  11. Marmaduke #

    Gab would you believe there’s actually an amazing book called Fat White Vampire Blues that basically takes that idea to amusing heights?


  12. Gab #

    Marmaduke: Wow. Read a blurb about it, and wow. Heh.


Add a Comment