Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

We over think … wine. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Get it?)

Think Tank Vampire For ArticleTwo things about vampires:

1. They are huge drama queens.

2. Left to their own devices, they never die.

Yes, that’s right, the trailers for New Moon are out, and it looks like these vampires are living forever — taking Twilight to a whole new, aw who the Hell am I kidding.

The best thing about vampires is killing them. Doing battle with the forces of darkness. Facing down the enchanting stalkers of the night, the pale dudes in the funny coats who speak with fictional accents and keep asking for invitations because they can’t do something as simple as walk through a door without making a whole bloody production out of it — and taking them out with the aid of any number of colorful and exciting implements or methods.

Now, you, the readers, tell us, the pedants, what the best one is — with a little bit of help from our stable of overthinkers, and a special (simulated) celebrity judge . . .

What do I need to lay the ol’ Goblet of Fire on Cedric Diggory? I think I left it lying around here somewhere . . .

Kimchi (Lee)

800px-GimchiI know what you’re thinking. “Lee, you’re just giving token representation to Asian stuff again.” Not so. Kimchi, the famous Korean spiced pickled cabbage dish, is an excellent weapon in the fight against vampires. Here’s why:

Defense: Kimchi is packed with garlic, which as we know is an excellent vampire deterrent in addition to a great way to add flavor to your cooking. But even better than its high garlic content, kimchi smells. A lot. Mere mortals can smell it a mile away, and vampires, with their heightened senses of smell, will steer well clear of any hint of this potent stuff.

With a good defense in play, you’ll be able to engage the vampire on your own terms, which leads us to:

Offense: Kimchi is crazy good for you. One serving gives you 80% of your daily recommended allowance of vitamin C and carotene, and it’s packed with vitamin A, thiamine, riboflavin, calcium, and iron. You’ll need to keep your body and your health in top shape if you plan on engaging vampires in combat, and one great way to do that is to eat a lot of kimchi.

Still not convinced? What if I told you that…

Both North and South Korea have the lowest vampire per capita levels in the entire world. Vampires obviously steer clear of the peninsula for the most part, but those that dare entire the Land of the Morning Calm are quickly dispatched by none other than Kim Jong Il himself,  the greatest vampire slayer in all of Asia.


12 Comments on “Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]”

  1. stokes OTI Staff #

    Two things:

    1) that Kim Jong Il pic may have set a new standard for OTI photoshop excellence
    2) when I ended my entry with “I just proved it. Statistically,” I didn’t realize that everyone else was going to make a “here’s an official sounding statistic that I just made up” joke too. (I for one blame John Hodgman.)


  2. lee #

    That’s no Photoshop. It’s an actual piece of North Korean propaganda.


  3. pave #

    stakes because all you really need is a bunch of pencils.


  4. El Acordeonachi #

    For style points alone you have to go with the codpiece gun worn by Sex Machine (Tom Savini) in From Dusk Til Dawn.


  5. Frank #

    *Dons nerd pedantry cape*

    Stakes will multiply the force applied to the blunt end by the ratio of the area of the blunt end over the area of the point. So the pointier the stake the better. One might wonder why vampire hunters seem to go with crudely carved stakes rather than breaking out a whittling knife. Didn’t Blade use steel ones or something?


  6. Gab #

    Diggery wasn’t killed by the Goblet of Fire, Fenzel, it was the Killing Curse, Avada Kedavra. GOSH, get it RIGHT. ;p

    I say make them gorge themselves, causing massive amounts of obesity and heart disease. Then they’ll die off. How? Throw enough people with this in their path, and they won’t be able to resist themselves because of the flow:


  7. Carlos #


    You tell me you’ve never pitched a tent thinking about the love of a good woman?


  8. Mads Ejstrup #

    A Danish Christmas tree. I know what you are thinking, why a Danish tree, what is so special about a that? Well, we Danes love to decorate everything with our flag, especially Christmas trees. And what do our flag look like? That’s right, it’s red with a white cross, as in a Christian cross. So a Danish Christmas tree will ad a light family friendly tone to the whole slaying business and if everything else fails, it makes wood handily available for producing some stakes.


  9. Laurence #

    Surely the best way to kill a vampire is to have them watch Twilight on DVD at night? That way they will piss themselves laughing so hard, they forget it’s morning and then ‘random burning noise’ Dust on the floor….

    Sorted thanks to wee Eddie :)


  10. CppThis #

    The key point to remember is that vampires are immortal, thus we need something that is similarly everlasting and monolithic if we truly want to counter the threat. Dropping one at a time with stakes or Korean despots won’t cut it when the other vampires can put dozens at risk in one night of feeding. It is well known that the only certain things are death and taxes. Death won’t work obviously, so clearly we need to get the government involved and legislate them into oblivion.

    Ergo I conclude that tort reform is the best means of killing vampires. And since it’s the government, we can co-opt some of the advantages of using other vampires while we’re at it.


  11. Marmaduke #

    Gab would you believe there’s actually an amazing book called Fat White Vampire Blues that basically takes that idea to amusing heights?


  12. Gab #

    Marmaduke: Wow. Read a blurb about it, and wow. Heh.


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