Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]

We over think … wine. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Get it?)

GavelTort Reform (Fenzel)

There’s only one way to stop a legion of relentless bloodsuckers who combine patience, pretention, manipulation and malice — and that’s revising state and federal statues to limit the amount of bloodsucking they can egage in — or at the very least the massive, punitive feeding they get to levy against the population where there perhaps the justification for a few pinpricks and a few minutes of organ music.

And, by the way, when the eff did vampires stop playing pipe organs?

OBJECTION! But I want to be all trendy and emo and wear a zip-up and talk about relationships!


It could be worse! We could be insurance claims adjusters!

It could be worse! We could be insurance claims adjusters!

Where was I? Getting pissed off that vampires don’t turn into bats anymore? Or that they don’t have widow’s peaks? Or that they don’t rock out the Grandpa Munster-style Continental European bling anymore. TRAVESTIES, ALL!

No, I was talking about how their diddling and mooching and exploitation of human society has paralyzed progress, kept us in the proverbial dark ages, and made fiscally responsible care for the elderly or hemophiliac well-night impossible!

Did you know that over 60% of people who have had all the life drained from their bodies and become shambling ghouls, pledged in troth to a dark master, had vampire-related blood loss? 95% if you exclude mall food courts?

People think it’s business as usual — oh, look, another show about vampires, another movie about vampires, another time I was accosted on the way back from the grocery store by a 19th century Slavic nobleman with a deep look in his eyes and secrets unknown and unknowable to Christendom —

Did you know there are more bats in vampire school today than there are practicing lawyers — I mean vampires — in the world?

Something must be done. And because vampires are immune to many forms of conventional harm, move at unmatchable speed, display incredible strength, and retreat at will to secluded impenetrable fortresses of sin in the mountains of Romania, there is only one weapon we can levy against them.


Vampire tort reform today! Not tomorrow, today! Because if we wait until sundown, they will rise from their ancestral earth and send their lobbyists after us!

Delicious justice.

Delicious justice.

12 Comments on “Best Way to Kill a Vampire [Think Tank]”

  1. stokes OTI Staff #

    Two things:

    1) that Kim Jong Il pic may have set a new standard for OTI photoshop excellence
    2) when I ended my entry with “I just proved it. Statistically,” I didn’t realize that everyone else was going to make a “here’s an official sounding statistic that I just made up” joke too. (I for one blame John Hodgman.)


  2. lee #

    That’s no Photoshop. It’s an actual piece of North Korean propaganda.


  3. pave #

    stakes because all you really need is a bunch of pencils.


  4. El Acordeonachi #

    For style points alone you have to go with the codpiece gun worn by Sex Machine (Tom Savini) in From Dusk Til Dawn.


  5. Frank #

    *Dons nerd pedantry cape*

    Stakes will multiply the force applied to the blunt end by the ratio of the area of the blunt end over the area of the point. So the pointier the stake the better. One might wonder why vampire hunters seem to go with crudely carved stakes rather than breaking out a whittling knife. Didn’t Blade use steel ones or something?


  6. Gab #

    Diggery wasn’t killed by the Goblet of Fire, Fenzel, it was the Killing Curse, Avada Kedavra. GOSH, get it RIGHT. ;p

    I say make them gorge themselves, causing massive amounts of obesity and heart disease. Then they’ll die off. How? Throw enough people with this in their path, and they won’t be able to resist themselves because of the flow:


  7. Carlos #


    You tell me you’ve never pitched a tent thinking about the love of a good woman?


  8. Mads Ejstrup #

    A Danish Christmas tree. I know what you are thinking, why a Danish tree, what is so special about a that? Well, we Danes love to decorate everything with our flag, especially Christmas trees. And what do our flag look like? That’s right, it’s red with a white cross, as in a Christian cross. So a Danish Christmas tree will ad a light family friendly tone to the whole slaying business and if everything else fails, it makes wood handily available for producing some stakes.


  9. Laurence #

    Surely the best way to kill a vampire is to have them watch Twilight on DVD at night? That way they will piss themselves laughing so hard, they forget it’s morning and then ‘random burning noise’ Dust on the floor….

    Sorted thanks to wee Eddie :)


  10. CppThis #

    The key point to remember is that vampires are immortal, thus we need something that is similarly everlasting and monolithic if we truly want to counter the threat. Dropping one at a time with stakes or Korean despots won’t cut it when the other vampires can put dozens at risk in one night of feeding. It is well known that the only certain things are death and taxes. Death won’t work obviously, so clearly we need to get the government involved and legislate them into oblivion.

    Ergo I conclude that tort reform is the best means of killing vampires. And since it’s the government, we can co-opt some of the advantages of using other vampires while we’re at it.


  11. Marmaduke #

    Gab would you believe there’s actually an amazing book called Fat White Vampire Blues that basically takes that idea to amusing heights?


  12. Gab #

    Marmaduke: Wow. Read a blurb about it, and wow. Heh.


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