In his excellent post on the Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal, Mark Lee seriously considered the impact of the actor’s personal problems on those who consider themselves fans. Mark’s post was thoughtful, mature, and insightful. John Perich’s groudbreaking work on a unified theory of Arnold Schwarzenegger was creative, logical and well written.
This post will be none of those things.
This May, champion bodybuilder, actor, Golden Globe winner, Planet Hollywood owner, cigar/Hummer aficionado and former two-term Governor of the world’s fifth largest economy (at least it was when he started) Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he had fathered a love child with his maid, Mildred Patricia Baena, in 1997.
This already sketchy tale is complicated by the fact that in 1984, Arnold married Maria Shriver. Shriver, the niece of John F. and Robert Kennedy, is an Emmy winning journalist, the mother of (four of) his children, and a board member of the Special Olympics. There’s really no doubt that in the film of Arnold’s life, Maria is the intended love interest and the undisputed leading lady. She’s smart, she’s kind-hearted, and is as close as we get to royalty in this country. Instead of sticking with the script, Arnold set aside the leading lady and went after an extra.
This kind of behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere. To find its origins, we looked back at Arnold’s career and discovered a long history of lies, deceit, and unusual choices.
Should our readers have conflicting information or discover any additional instances, we encourage them to add them to the comments.
Stay Hungry (1976):
Leading Lady: Mary Tate (Sally Field)
Secret love interest: “Blonde photographer at contest” (Susan Geston)
Current age of love child: 34
Arnold’s pickup line: something in German, presumably. The man had just moved here.
Circumstances: Ignoring America’s sweetheart, Arnold flexed his muscles for the hot blonde photographer. That Geston was then dating and subsequently married his Stay Hungry costar Jeff Bridges mattered little to Mr. Universe.
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Leading Lady: Valeria of the Red Brotherhood (Sandahl Bergman)
Secret love interest: “Sacrificial Snake Girl” (Leslie Foldvary)
Current age of love child: 29
Arnold’s pickup line: “You are best in life, Sacrificial Snake Girl.”
Circumstances: Despite a love scene between Conan and Valeria, actress Sandahl Bergman was a Star Wars fan and had already fallen for the heavy breathing of costar James Earl Jones.
Leading Lady: Anna (Elpida Carrillo)
Secret Love Interest: The Predator’s head prop
Current age of love child: rubber masks are surprisingly infertile
Arnold’s pickup line: “Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Do me! I’m here! Do me! I’m here! Do me! Come on! Do me! I’m here! Come on! Do it now! Do me!”
Circumstances: According to IMDB, there was a single woman involved in the on-set production of this film. Arnold made do.
Total Recall (1990)
Leading Lady: Milena (Rachel Ticotin) / Lori (Sharon Stone)
Secret love interest: “the fat lady” (Priscilla Allen)
Current age of love child: 21
Arnold’s pickup line: “The script says I’m inside you. Let’s follow the script.”
Unsure who to love: his seemingly loving wife Lori or Milena, the two-breasted hooker with a heart of gold, Arnold made an interesting choice. Priscilla Allen played the robotic/prosthetic disguise in which Arnold sneaks into Mars.
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Leading Lady: Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Crisp (Penelope Ann Miller)
Secret love interest: 3rd Grade Student (Catherine Reitman)
Current age of love child: none
Arnold’s pick up line: So when do you turn 18? (Answer: 1999)
Circumstances: Father/Director Ivan Reitman stepped in.
Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
Leading Lady: Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton)
Secret love interest: Janelle Voight, John Connor’s foster mother (Jenette Goldstein)
Current age of love child: 20 (also 42, 53, 0 & -12, depending on which future happens)
Arnold’s pickup line: (in John Connor’s voice) “Want to find out what’s wrong with Wolfie?”
Circumstances: Arnold targeted Goldstein once he discovered that Linda Hamilton’s biceps were bigger than his.
Last Action Hero (1993)
Leading Lady: none
Secret love interest: Maria Shriver
Current age of love children: 21, 19, 17, 13
Arnold’s pickup line: “Hi, honey.”
Circumstances: With no real leading lady in this film, Arnold made the unique choice to pursue his wife, who briefly appeared as herself in the film.
True Lies (1994)
Leading Lady: Jamie Lee Curtis
Secret love interest: Jamie Lee Curtis
Current age of love child: 17
Arnold’s pickup line: Undisclosed. Likely delivered in shadow via tape recorder.
Circumstances: In this case, Schwartzenegger just slept with Jamie Lee Curtis. True. Had a subsequent affair with Charlton Heston. Lies.
Batman & Robin (1997)
Leading Ladies: Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) & Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), Julie Madison (Elle Macpherson), Ms. B. Haven (Vivica Fox), Mrs. Fries (Swedish supermodel Vendela Tommassen)
Secret love interest: Mildred Patricia Baena
Current age of love child: 14
Arnold’s pickup line: “Patty, come here for a minute.” Or “My passion thaws for you alone.”
Circumstances: The women in Arnold’s life in 1997 were: Maria Shriver, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Vivica Fox, two supermodels and his maid.