The Five Hottest Presidents of the United States

obamashirtlesshawaii

Barack Obama.

We’ve seen him as a young co-ed.  We’ve seen him without his shirt on.  And, as of yesterday, we’ve seen him as the President of the United States of America.

But the same question is on everyone’s lips: where does Obama rank on a list of hot U.S. presidents?

Don’t worry.  I have the answer.

Last year during Presidents’ Week, I started the tradition of ranking presidents and their first ladies in order of hotness.  Before I reveal the top and bottom five of my list of hot presidents, let me first talk about my methodology.  I wouldn’t want you–or, indeed, these lovely presidents–to think I’m not academically rigorous.

My rules:

  1. Judging is based off the hottest picture I can easily find of each president.
  2. The judge should make all attempts to be objective when measuring hotness, but will also be aware that complete objectivity is impossible.
  3. The judge will make all attempts not to be “time-ist.”  In other words, just because almost everyone in the 50’s and 60’s had awful crewcuts and wore disgusting glasses does not mean all politicians from that era are necessarily unattractive.  Conversely, just because a president from the late 1800s sports hot sideburns, it does not necessarily make him hot as a whole.

Presidents were rated based on the following scale, from most to least hot: Hot; Hot?; Okay; Ehh; and Not.

A final disclaimer: Yes, this post is written by the same person who wrote that article about feminism and how we should never judge female TV and film characters primarily by their appearances.

And now, the list…

THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST U.S. PRESIDENTS, 2009 EDITION

bush

5. George W. Bush: This one hurts a lot, but I said I’d be objective.  Okay, NOW I can’t bear to look at him.  But take a gander at young Dubya.  Ignore your seething hatred, your numb disappointment, your aching despair.  Focus only on the smile of this young man who has yet to commit any war-crimes.  And admit it.  He’s cute.  You could see him guest starring in an episode of Happy Days as the new rascally boy next door, or in M*A*S*H as a soldier saying, “Doc, when will I be healthy enough to go back to the front?”  On second thought, don’t let him say anything.  It’ll ruin the illusion.

obama-2

4. Barack Obama: Yes, our new pres cracked the top five.  Whether his hair is big or small, and whether he’s wearing a suit or some 1980’s parka, Obama knows how to look good.  Like JFK, Obama was able to leverage his smokin’ good looks to score himself a smokin’ hot wife.  I just wish Obama would smile more.  To me, his smile is infectious.  His “looking off into the distance with a mixture of hope and determination” expression just doesn’t do it for me.

william-henry-harrison

3.    William Henry Harrison: Maybe it’s cause I find something romantic about dying thirty days after you enter office.  Maybe it’s cause I like the “Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights” thing he has going on.  Maybe it’s the hot embroidered clothes and the cravat.  But I think William Henry Harrison’s a hottie, despite his large-ish nose.  Tippecanoe and Tyler, too?  How about Tippecanoe and Mlawski too?  Rawr.

reagan

2.    Ronald Reagan: It’s hard for me to write this one, too, because 1) old Ronald Reagan was not pretty, and 2) I happen to dislike Ronald Reagan from a political perspective.  But none of us should be shocked that he’s at the top of the list.  After all, he literally was in the pictures.  And look!  He’s a dead ringer for Clint Eastwood!  No wonder both of them became hot cowboys.  What are the odds?

And now, the hottest preisdent of all time…

9 Comments on “The Five Hottest Presidents of the United States”

  1. Luisa #

    That was brilliant. You’re probably used to hearing that, but still.

     
  2. shechner #

    I call a recount on Taft. Remember: he technically counts as two presidents. Two *fine-ass* presidents. Rrowl.

     
  3. lauren r #

    @schechner: Why does Taft count as two? Don’t you mean Grover Cleveland (who, incidentally, looks like Wilford Brimley)?

    I’m disappointed that there’s no love for James K. Polk. Google image search him. He was a good looking guy. Kind of Clive Owen-y.

    Woodrow Wilson was also a very good looking man. And could easily have been portrayed by Jimmy Stewart.

    And finally, to prove I’m a complete US history dork, I’ve always kind of had a thing for Ulysses Grant. That could just be the uniform though. Or the drunkenness.

     
  4. Gab #

    I was going to say Wilson and Polk, too, Shana, I sh*t you not. Young FDR was pretty hot, too.

     
  5. Trevor #

    No love for Teddy Roosevelt? The guy was our first butch president, cutting down trees and building canals with his bare hands. The guy ate thunder and crapped lightening.

    As far as unattractive presidents, my vote goes to Martin Van Buren; you know he was smuggling a whole lot of ugly under those whiskers

     
  6. Jenny #

    @ Trevor
    Hey now. As much as I love Teddy, our first badass president was Jackson. Fighting duels and beating off his own assasins with his walking stick. Manly indeed! He was pretty good looking too.
    http://faithmaps.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/andrew_jackson.jpeg

    I’m quite inclined to cast a vote for TR as well. He was rather fine in his police commissioner years.
    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/2b/Tr_nyc_police_commissioner.jpg

    Also seconding FDR and Grant. I dont know what it is about the Roosevelts, but damn they were good looking. And Grant was hot in his general years – and then the whiskey got to him. He’s kind of like the Elvis of presidents. Ridiculously good looking and charming at the height of his popularity – drunk, fat, and useless beyond his prime.
    http://cache.boston.com/resize/bonzai-fba/Globe_Photo/2009/02/27/1235791642_4615/300h.jpg
    (Grant doesn’t need a link as I take it that most everyone has probably seen that one picture of him leaning nonchalantly against a tree.)

    And finally, I think Jefferson should have made that list. He was better looking than Reagan. Not to mention completely and utterly brilliant!

    This has turned into a long-winded rant and linkfest already, but I think John Quincy Adams should replace his father on this list. His face is reminiscent of a shrew’s.

     
  7. dock #

    hahaha!!! I LOVE this website! When I saw the John Tyler/Gran Moff Tarkin pic I laughed so loud i scared my dog, who in turned urinated on my floor! hahaha, worth it!

     
  8. cornflakes #

    McKinley isn’t exactly attractive, granted, but he looked alright…. the young picture of him looks like a cross between Christian Bale and Will Ferrell. Bale’s eyes, and Ferrell’s smarmy smile and weight.

    Plus he got shot, so he gets some slack.