The Five Hottest Presidents of the United States

The Five Hottest Presidents of the United States

Admit it. You voted for Obama ’cause he was hotter than McCain. It’s okay. You’re not alone.


1.    John F. Kennedy: Yeah, easy one, I know.  And I happen to think our collective opinions of how hot JFK  is have been skewed upward by the knowledge that he banged some of the hottest dames of the 50s and 60s (including his wife).  Nevertheless, you gotta admit, he coulda been in the pictures.  And look!  He’s a dead ringer for Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now.  And both of them became president!  What are the odds?

Just missed the cutoff: Bill Clinton (for whatever reason, he looked too fratboy for me today); Thomas Jefferson.


taft5.    William Howard Taft: It’s easy to make fun of Taft.  People in Europe must have been like, “Your president’s so fat your carpenters have to build double chairs for him to sit in!”  Or, “Your president’s so fat he once got stuck in the White House bathtub!”  (Burn!)  But I’m not going to put Taft on this list because he’s fat.  That’s not fair.  There are perfectly handsome fat people in the world.  William Howard Taft didn’t happen to be one of them.  You have to admit he does seem jolly, though.

4.    John Adams:
Hollywood thought John Adams was so ugly they got their one “ugly” actor (the not-actually-that-ugly Paul Giamatti) to play him in the miniseries.  I have lots of love for the guy, myself; righteous anger is sexy, in its way.  Unfortunately for our pissiest of Founding Fathers, Adams wasn’t remembered as our best president–  or our hottest.  As you can see, his face was a bit too round for his own good, and those bouts of rage gave him a not particularly attractive flush.


3.    James Madison: Poor James Madison.  Despite being maybe the most important Founding Father, no one gives him any cred.  And why not?  Well, he was short, he was intense, and he seemingly had a double chin despite being a thin man.  Maybe that had something to do with it.  Regardless, I salute you, Father of the Constitution.  I just won’t date you.


2.    Warren G. Harding: Yes, this was the most attractive picture I could find of Mr. Teapot Dome.  To me, he looks like Sam the Eagle.  The big bushy eyebrows that don’t match his hair, the hawkish nose…  Yep, Sam the Eagle.  But with wrinkles.


1.    William McKinley: I learned something today.  I learned that, as a young man, William McKinley had creepy eyes.  Luckily, as he grew older, he grew out of it.  Unluckily, he grew into this:


Just missed the cutoff: Herbert Hoover, Martin Van Buren, Millard Fillmore, James Buchanan



John Tyler = Grand Moff Tarkin


Young Chester A. Arthur = A member of the Fleet Foxes


Gerald Ford as a Boy Scout = Gary Busey

So, which president would you do?

9 Comments on “The Five Hottest Presidents of the United States”

  1. Luisa #

    That was brilliant. You’re probably used to hearing that, but still.


  2. shechner OTI Staff #

    I call a recount on Taft. Remember: he technically counts as two presidents. Two *fine-ass* presidents. Rrowl.


  3. lauren r #

    @schechner: Why does Taft count as two? Don’t you mean Grover Cleveland (who, incidentally, looks like Wilford Brimley)?

    I’m disappointed that there’s no love for James K. Polk. Google image search him. He was a good looking guy. Kind of Clive Owen-y.

    Woodrow Wilson was also a very good looking man. And could easily have been portrayed by Jimmy Stewart.

    And finally, to prove I’m a complete US history dork, I’ve always kind of had a thing for Ulysses Grant. That could just be the uniform though. Or the drunkenness.


  4. Gab #

    I was going to say Wilson and Polk, too, Shana, I sh*t you not. Young FDR was pretty hot, too.


  5. Trevor #

    No love for Teddy Roosevelt? The guy was our first butch president, cutting down trees and building canals with his bare hands. The guy ate thunder and crapped lightening.

    As far as unattractive presidents, my vote goes to Martin Van Buren; you know he was smuggling a whole lot of ugly under those whiskers


  6. Jenny #

    @ Trevor
    Hey now. As much as I love Teddy, our first badass president was Jackson. Fighting duels and beating off his own assasins with his walking stick. Manly indeed! He was pretty good looking too.

    I’m quite inclined to cast a vote for TR as well. He was rather fine in his police commissioner years.

    Also seconding FDR and Grant. I dont know what it is about the Roosevelts, but damn they were good looking. And Grant was hot in his general years – and then the whiskey got to him. He’s kind of like the Elvis of presidents. Ridiculously good looking and charming at the height of his popularity – drunk, fat, and useless beyond his prime.
    (Grant doesn’t need a link as I take it that most everyone has probably seen that one picture of him leaning nonchalantly against a tree.)

    And finally, I think Jefferson should have made that list. He was better looking than Reagan. Not to mention completely and utterly brilliant!

    This has turned into a long-winded rant and linkfest already, but I think John Quincy Adams should replace his father on this list. His face is reminiscent of a shrew’s.


  7. dock #

    hahaha!!! I LOVE this website! When I saw the John Tyler/Gran Moff Tarkin pic I laughed so loud i scared my dog, who in turned urinated on my floor! hahaha, worth it!


  8. cornflakes #

    McKinley isn’t exactly attractive, granted, but he looked alright…. the young picture of him looks like a cross between Christian Bale and Will Ferrell. Bale’s eyes, and Ferrell’s smarmy smile and weight.

    Plus he got shot, so he gets some slack.


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