Clichemageddon 3D

Clichemageddon 3D

This time… the movies are real.

Summer movies are upon us. And like an explosion that’s been shot in 2D, then converted to 3D as a marketing gimmick, they both excite us and make us slightly queasy. What better way to celebrate our ambivalence than with Clichemageddon 3D.

Unlike the people who actually make the summer movies, I’m trying something a little different this year. Instead of a fill-in-the-blank contest like in 2010 and 2009, this time you’ll take existing movies and insert cliches. You see, on rare occasions, Hollywood will make a film that isn’t entirely predictable and by the numbers. Your challenge is to correct these oversights.

Think you’re up to it? Then read on…

Overthinking It T ShirtI’m listing four cliches below. Think about how they can “improve” your favorite films, and write up an example in the comments. You can either just describe the scene, or give us some dialogue. But no need to go overboard; I’m not giving out bonus points for length. You can certainly tackle just one or two cliches, and I’ll be picking my favorites for each of the four. But if you want to win this lovely t-shirt, which will totally earn you Cool Points at your local hipster bar, you have to do ALL four. (You don’t have to use the same movie for all four, although that could be kind of cool.)

1. ADD A ONE-LINER TO A FAMOUS SCREEN DEATH. What’s the point of killing someone if you don’t say something funny/cool after you do it? Example: Sonny Corleone gets shot at a toll booth. An assassin walks up to the dying but still barely alive mafioso. “You should have brought your EZ Pass,” he smirks, before shooting him in the face.

2. THE BAD GUY IS STILL MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE. As the writer Kevin Williamson pointed out in the original Scream, “This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.” The beauty of this is it allows us to kill the bad guy all over again. Example: After Darth Vader throws the Emperor down the reactor shaft, he and Luke share a tender moment. “Tell your sister… you were right.” Suddenly, the Emperor is back, horribly burnt but still throwing lightning. Luke realizes that both he and his father lost their lightsabers in the throne room. Luke exchanges a look with his dad, and then they both use the Force to send Vader’s faceplate flying across the room like a buzzsaw, decapitating the Emperor. (For extra points, incorporate a one-liner.)

3. INSERT ANCIENT PROPHESY. Harry Potter, The Matrix, The Mummy 2, Avatar, the Star Wars prequels…. any blockbuster worth its celluloid needs to have a whispered myth that makes the main character not merely a hero, but The Chosen One. Example: “Every inmate in Shawshank had heard the prophesy about the man who would someday escape these walls with the aid of a beautiful woman. The one who would crawl through filth and come out clean as morning dew. I always thought it was a lot of nonsense. I certainly never thought it was going to be Andy Dufresne.”

4. ADD CRAZY CAR CHASE. Is there any movie that could NOT be improved by the magnificent sight of a police car flying into the air, twisting around like an Olympic gymnast, and landing on top of another police car? No, there isn’t. Science has proven this. Example: “If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” “But Rick, the plane’s leaving from the airport in 15 minutes, and we’re on the other side of town! We’ll never make it!” “My dear, I’d like to introduce you to the only German thing I like: my 1939 supercharged Mercedes-Benz. I named her Ilsa–hope you don’t mind. Hold onto your hat, kid.”

You’ve got five days to leave a comment below with your Clichemageddon 3D entries. The comments will close Friday at midnight, and winners will be announced next week. So have fun ruining improving your favorite films… and good luck.

33 Comments on “Clichemageddon 3D”

  1. chris strange #

    Charles Foster Kane is dieing. He picks up a snowglobe. Suddenly smashes through the bedroom window and unloads a entire clip from his Uzi into the old man. “Here’s your deadline, Mr Kane.” mumbles the before rappelling down the wall of Kane’s estate. The globe slips from his lifeless hand and smashes.

  2. atskooc #

    Blinding arcs of light shoot out across the Tabernacle instantly killing all the Nazis inside and turning the white silk to flame. But it is Belloq in his obsession who takes the full blast. His whole body seems lit by a million volt current and, for a moment, his complete form is white, then blue, then maybe green, but it is hard to tell because our eyes are blinded now too. Two aspects of this ghastly, beautiful display are somehow communicated in the chaos, although the communication is subliminal. First, that Belloq, in the instant of his destruction, has experienced some kind of sublime, transcendental knowledge. If a death’s-head can smile and look satisfied, that is how Belloq’s incandescent face would be described. Secondly, this event is accompanied by a sound like no other. A sound so intense and so odd and so haunting that the suggestible among us might imagine it were the whisper of God: “Don’t fuck with another man’s luggage!”

  3. Squin #

    Ancient Sumerian texts foretold a legend that would come to pass, a legend of a man and his miraculous wheeled device. A man who would cross the desert, walk on the site of a great battle, and befriend a murderous tribe before becoming an icon of his people.

  4. Svan #

    Include an experience where the main character purchases and is satisfied with a commercial product.

    Following an extensive investigation, Rosebud turns out to be a well respected sledding company that made thousands of cheap, durable sleds for children of all ages! In his later years, Charles Foster Kane has become only more disillusioned with industry that has grown outside of simple manufacturing. The commodities traded by newspapers are too speculative, and it is only in death that the simplicity of physical products reveals itself to him. It is only in death that he realizes he was only ever truly happy when he had embraced the artisan craftsmanship of a Rosebud Sledding Inc standard issue sled. Also Burger King.

  5. Chris #

    1. Man stands over Bambi’s dead mother. “Oh dear,” he says with a smirk, before lighting up a cigar.

    2. Everybody thinks they are safe with Norman Bates locked away, but it turns out that Mrs. Bates was actually still alive all along as a magic evil skeleton. Fortunately, she is killed by Jason and the Argonauts.

    3. In The Sixth Sense, we find out that it was foretold by ancient Sumerians that a kid would be born who could see the dead, and his story would be so popular, it would buy a terrible director leeway to make a series of increasingly disappointing films.

    4. After losing to Death in chess, Antonius hops in a vintage 1973 Corvette and speeds off, with Death following on a motorcycle. Due to his superior handling skills, Antonius is not only able to get away from Death, but Death actually dies after flipping his motorcycle over a wild strawberries stand. Then, Antonius doubles back and (here’s a Clichemageddon double whammy for you) quips, “Death shall be no more, Death, thou shalt die.”

    • Mike #

      Great, but how about “death where is thy sting?” for the last one. no wait, “motherfucker, where is thy sting?”

  6. Eric #

    Mr. Blonde heard the alarm sound just after he pulled the trigger on the brave yet luckless clerk who pushed the panic button.

    “Just in time,” he remarked ruefully to his anonymous compatriots. “And still too late.”

    What the hell, he thought. In for a penny, in for a pound.

    He centered his sights on the rich old man in an expensive suit who was kneeling fearfully before him in the jewelry shop.

    Blam! “Class war just got a little more literal.”

    A young woman with dyed red hair jerked to her feet and tried to rush out the door.

    Blam! “What, leaving so soon?”

    Blam! “Oh, dear. Broke her heart.”

    Blam! “Holy foreheads, Batman!”

    Blam! “Looks like if you’ve seen one dead-” Pause. Blam! “You what they say. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

    Mr. White came THIS close to taking him out, right then and there.

  7. Gab #

    Connected in pairs:

    1. As Boromir finally dies for real in The Fellowship of the Ring, Lurtz grumbles, “It’s about time. I was almost out of arrows.”

    2. But then Boromir gets up and decapitates Lurtz.

    3. There once was a legend that a painted man would take a pale-faced woman in a steel horse to find the last thing she needed to be happy.

    4. But when Miss Daisy was baking pies and ran out of sugar, Hoke Coburn had no idea he’d be fulfilling the prophesy by speeding his way to the convenience store, Miss Daisy in the backseat, because there were only ten minutes left before closing time.


    1. Skuttle was circling over the scene when Eric rammed the ship into Ursula. As the Sea Witch sank into the depths, the bird said, “I’m never against a free kebob.” And he dove down to see what he could find.

    2. A scream rises from the crowd as the people of China begin to stand upright again. Shan-Yu, singed but strong, emerges. He is holding a knife under the throat of a child caught in his grasp. Mulan dives into a forward roll, rising with her hands empty and a confident smile on her face. The child screams again as Shan-Yu falls to the ground, his own sword stuck between his eyes. Shang looks back and forth between Mulan and Shan-Yu for a moment, then finally says, “I… didn’t realize you still had that in your hands.” Mulan shrugs and smiles sheepishly. “You’d be surprised how much a woman can hide in this much fabric.”

    3. Bernard found, amidst the myriad items that had fallen out of Miss Bianca’s luggage, a scroll, given to her by the Rescue Aid Society. He began reading it, then gasped and began reading aloud “… and on that day, the mouse with the turtleneck shall help the boy save the last of the golden species, and upon the wind he shall fly.” Bernard looked down pulled at the turtleneck he was wearing. “What?” “It is your destiny,” Miss Bianca said from behind him. “You must save the eagle and the boy. The prophets of the Society have spoken.” He turned and faced her, terrified. “Profits? I thought we were a NON-profit?!”

    3. It has been said that one day a boy would be born with the power to speak to animals. He would defeat a large feline predator in their midst. He would be happy with them until meeting a female of his species, at which point his life, and theirs, would never be the same. (This could appy to more than one movie.)

    4. “Dug,” Russel said, crying as the ambulance pulled away, “what are we gonna do? Mr. Fredricksen needs us.” “Master told us to stay behind, and we should do as Master says.” “But Dug, those paramedics aren’t gonna know his favorite ice cream flavors!” “ You are right! Do not worry little master, Dug has a plan! We shall get inside of little master’s mother’s box that moves and follow the one carrying Master.” “But how? I don’t have a driving badge yet.” “Do not worry, you shall push the levers and I shall turn the wheel. It will be very simple and easy. Come! Let us go now while we can still see the box with Master!”

  8. Brian #

    In keeping it all one movie I had to use a non-famous killing, but this is the Michael Bay draft ending of There Will Be Blood.

    Scene: Killing Henry who just revealed he’s an impostor- Plainview-“Don’t move, there’s a mosquito…” Points platinum plated .50 cal Desert Eagle at Henry’s head, BANG! 3D camera track bullet going through head. Henry gives death rattle. “There, got it.” Camera does speed ramping 360 dolly move around Plainview in midair jumping into his car cranking the engine and the jams, Speeds off. In the rearview mirror, rattling with each bass hit, he slicks each half of mustache with oil as the scene of the crime shrinks into the horizon.

    Meanwhile at the Brandy ranch, as the dust and Nelly’s hit fade deep into barren desert, a dark figure enters the frame, Eli Sunday. He signs the cross, throws water on Henry. He’s still alive! Who now gained psychic magnetic powers because of how the bullet lodged in his brain, all happening as foretold by the prophecy of The Third Revelation! But the clock is ticking and he teams up with Eli Sunday to stop Plainview before he can reach the ocean and finalize the big oil pipeline deal and close off money to them forever.

    They chase Plainview through the desert, Henry uses his magnetic powers to move and recycle the track in front of the train so it can go wherever the car can, Eli blows hot air with his Fire and Brimstone soap boxing power to supercharge the engines. Plainview has nowhere to hide and drives towards a ravine, and in an unexpected and incredible act of sacrifice tears each half of his oily mustache off and throws them on the tracks, the oil slicks the wheels- the train can’t stop, careens towards the ocean exploding in midair and again when it hits the ocean then once more after a few seconds, then once more but really REALLY LOUD so much so the shockwave strips a group of super hot nuns on the beach of their full body wool swimsuits.

    Plainview stands at edge of ravine, touches blood on naked upper lip looking at smoke, the businessman steps into the scene from nowhere handing the papers to Plainview to finalize, Plainview gazing into the horizon responds, “You know losing my mustache and being chased by a zombie with telekinetic powers of magnetism taught me something about the human spirit. I’ve been a narcissistic jerk, and killing over oil and not caring for others is a no win game, oil is polluting- environmentally and emotionally. I’m gonna start using renewable energy from now on, Positive Thinking-the most renewable energy there is. I’m finished!” throws papers in the air, walks into the sunset leaving his car and the businessman flabbergasted behind in dusty silhouette, the inspirational jams kick in Plainview gives a jumping fist pump into the clear blue sky -freeze frame, credits.

    • Brian #

      A more compressed version:
      Plainview kills Eli with bowling pin, drunkenly slurring-“Looks like only one pin can dance on the head of an angel.”
      But it turns out Eli is The Third Revelation as he so righteously claimed and raises from the dead, bursting from under Plainview’s bowling alley grave, also discovering the blow to the head released telekinetic magnet powers.
      In vengeance Eli chases Plainview through the desert, car vs. train, Eli using the magnet powers to move and recycle the tracks to steer the train. Plainview sacrifices his most prized possession, his oily mustache, tearing it off and throwing it on the tracks, it slicks the wheels derailing the train which careens into the ocean and explodes, Eli’s corpse eaten by frenzied sealions. Exhausted, Plainview sees the error of his ways, renounces oil, and plans to use the renewable energy source of positive thinking to power the world.

  9. Paul #

    “Hey Buzz,” said Woody, “I was just reading one of Andy’s old comic books, and an ad in there said that you’d have an upgrade coming this year!”

    “Oh yeah,” said Buzz. “I’ve got that.” Buzz fired his laser at Woody’s foot, only instead of being red, the laser was blue.

    “That’s pretty neat there Buzz,” said Woody. “Say, what’s that smell? Holy smokes! My boot is melted!”

    “Things are going to be chaning around here Woody.” Buzz began to fire multiple shots at Woody, smoldering Woody’s material. Woody made a break for it in the Barbie corvette, speeding out of the room. Buzz extended his wing and took flight, real fight, following Woody down the stairs, through the dog door and into the back yard. The corvette rounded the house, but when Buzz flew around the corner he crashed right into Sid.

    “I finally got you,” said Sid, as he ripped Buzz’s legs and arms off. Sid walked away laughing, and tossed all the pices into the garbage can.
    Woody stood up from his limp inanimate toy ruse to peek into the trash can. As he peeked into the trash, he was grabbed by the throat by a white hand with purple finger tips. There was Buzz, whole again! “Buzz? How?” questioned Woody as he choked.

    “Buzz? My name is Charles Lee Ray.” Buzz felt himself surging with power as he squeezed the life out of Woody, surging in fact with too much power. He began to glow, brighter and brighter green, until he exploded.

    There standing on the back of the garbage can stood Jessie, with an empty pack of lithium ion batteries. “To infinity and beyond,” she said.

  10. atskooc #

    Long ago, the agents and actors of the celluloid land spoke of a movie so self-aware it would help define a generation of movies to follow. This movie rose from the depths to be known simply as “Ghost Ship.”

  11. Rob #

    Butch gets on Zed’s chopper with his girlfriend Fabienne when all of a sudden Vincent Vega, clutching his bloodied stomach, emerges in front of them, submachine gun in hand.

    With cat-like reflexes, Butch slams on the gas and plows into Vincent before he can get a shot off, at which point Vincent spirals down to the pavement as his intestines and stomach finally burst forth from his torso, his entrails sprawled out in a crimson streak on the ground.

    Butch turns behind him to see Fabienne recoiling in horror and thinks only to say, “Sorry baby, this was the second time I met the guy. I didn’t think he was gonna spill his guts like that.”

  12. Trevor #

    John McClane is visiting his wife in Los Angeles when terrorists suddenly hijack the festivities and send him on his way through the building to try and get help. Suddenly he finds himself in a room with an ancient Oriental man.

    John: “Hey old-timer, you might wanna get out of here.”

    Old guy: “How can I leave when my pupil has just arrived?”

    John: “What have you been smoking? There are terrorists crawling all over this building!”

    Old guy: “Then your course work will be lighter in load. For it is written that a profane, balding cop would be my greatest pupil.”

    John: “We haven’t got time!”

    Old guy: “We always have time, it’s how we use it that defines us.”

    John: “Well, fuck, I mean if you’re not gonna leave, I might as well hear you out.”

    Cue training montage (set to Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again”)

    End montage; John and Old guy look at one another knowingly.

    Old guy: “Now you truly are ready. Beware of the one known as ‘Ellis,’ he will give away your identity for a Coke.”

    John: “You rock, old-timer. Keep out of the way when the shit hits the fan.”

    Old guy: “I would say that to your opponents. Now go unleash hell, my son!”

  13. Hazbaz #

    4. The Queen (2006). Tony Blair has convinced the Royal Family to come down to London to deal with the fallout from Diana’s death, but tragedy has struck, and the Royal Flight is grounded! With only 4 hours to get to Buckingham Palace, and the paparazzi responsible for the Princesses car crash closing in, Queen Liz has to rely on the help of a family of common birth: Michael Middleton and his two young daughters…

  14. Steven #

    Back to the Future: Part 3

    In 1885, “Doc” Emmet Brown has peacefully resided in his blacksmith’s shop. He exits into town to find Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen holding a gun in his face.
    “Where’s the money Blacksmith?”
    “I told you, I am not going to give you that money Tannen!”
    “Those shoes on my horse was faulty!”
    “That’s not my problem Tannen. Might I suggest it’s your horse that’s faulty!”
    “Well ain’t you brave blacksmith!”
    “Ain’t I Tannen? I don’t have three goons at my flank all the time!”
    Tannen tells his cronies to leave. “I’ll finish the blacksmith myself.”
    Mad Dog pulled back the hammer on his gun. “Unlike you blacksmith, I’m gonna do a proper job!” And as the bullet exploded from the gun and pierced Emmet Brown’s cranium, Mad Dog let out a laugh and said, “Unlike you blacksmith, I do a proper job!”

    Back in 1955 Marty runs down the street to find Doc and enlist his help in finding himself in a different era. Doc brings Marty back to his house where they hatch a plan.
    “Listen kid,” Doc explains, “I read a particularly interesting Jules Verne novel, and supposedly based on true fact, it spoke of a prophecy about major technological innovations.”
    “Yeah, and? What happened Doc?”
    “Well, what happened was that the man who would take to heart works of fiction, like you say I will thirty years from now, will find himself killed by the fruit of his own labour.”
    “Doc, what the hell does that mean?”
    “It means that wherever I will be sent to in the timestream, I’m already dead!”

    Marty, after finding Doc Brown’s whereabout’s travels back to 1885. After he arrives, he finds himself driving down a steep cliff face, Indians persuing him. Confident, Marty hits the accelerator to speed up. The Delorean’s engine blows out and Marty starts to roll down the hill. After his substantial loss in speed, an Indian chief catches up to the car, which will soon be overcome by natives. The Indian Chief let out a brutal war cry, and smashed the window of the Delorean. Marty covers his head with his hands, and shrinks in his seat for cover. The Indian Chief kept jabbing with his spear, trying to impale Marty. Marty opens the door of the Delorean partway, to use as a shield. The chief’s spear glances off of the side a few times, but he soon realizes he must strike under the metal door. The chief’s spear punctures Marty’s side. It is a minor wound, but Marty is bleeding. He let go of the Delorean door, the gull-wing door now fully open. The Chief lept off of his horse, timing it right to get inside of the great metal machine. Marty moves quickly to the passenger seat. Marty kicked at the Indian. Marty drove him back in a merciless skull crushing act of violence, and the Indian tumbled out of the car. By now, the Indians had caught up with the car, and the spears and arrows, thrown and shot by the Indians, had damaged Mr.Fusion, as well as the Delorean body. Marty realized that the car was rolling to a stop, and that the Indians would kill him if the door stayed open. Marty pulled the door closed, but the gull-wing fell off it’s hinges. Marty held it as close to the framework as he could and waited for the Indians to pass. They spotted a bear (in the middle of the desert?) and had chased after it. Marty was tired. He needed a place to stay and rest before finding Doc. But, feeling to tired to play a double role, Marty skipped past the farmer’s house and headed into Hill Valley. Upon entering Hll Valley, Marty saw a ruffian threating to steal money from a bartender. Marty told the man to stop harrassing the barkeep.
    “And just who do you think you are, punk?” Mad Dog Tannen snarled.
    “They call me, uh, Matthew “Fenzel jumpkicked the Alien” Schechner.
    “That’s the dumbest name I ever heard!”
    “Don’t remind me.”
    “Tie up this hog boys. The town’s got a courthouse, it’s high time we had a hanging! Yeehaw!”
    With a rope around Marty’s neck, Mad Dog’s gang dragged him toward the unfinished courhouse. Marty was dragged roughly through the street of Hill Valley. Fighting to keep the rope around his neck from strangling him, Marty wrapped his fingers tightly around the rope. Lying on his back, Marty watched as the tops of buildings whizzed by and loomed ominously over him. Tannen and his gang laughed as they approached the courthouse. Marty was grabbed roughly and taken to the hangman’s noose. The dangling rope was fitted around Marty’s neck, and before Tannen could say ‘drop him’ a shot was fired from behind. Tannen’s hat flew off his head.
    “Don’t even ry it Tannen. This baby can shoot a flea off a dog’s back at 500 yards. Or something.”
    “Hello blacksmith!”
    “Marty, stay out of this!”
    Doc stared down the scope of his gun. Right before he pulled the trigger, Tannen made a funny face and Doc snickered, throwing his aim off. The bullet still hit it’s mark, making a hole in Tannen’s head, albeit, an off center hole. As Tannen’s goons fleed Doc helped Marty out of the noose. As Marty and Doc shared an emotional reunion, complete with hugs and ice cream sundaes, Buford Tannen rose from his dead state, and quickly became alive. He spun Doc around and started beating him. Doc dropped the gun. As Doc received multiple facial lacerations, Marty thought quickly. He grabbed the noose and threw it around Tannen’s neck. As Tannen’s life left him, Doc gave him a punch in the face. They pushed Mad Dog into the trapdoor, and let him hang. As Mad Dog Tannen fought for his final breaths Marty thought he heard Tannen utter one last “oh, shit!”.
    Doc’s eyes grew wide with fear.
    “What’s wrong Doc!”
    “Marty, can’t you see. You knuckle-headed slacker! We’ve torn apart the Time Stream! Because we’ve killed Tannen, Biff Tannen will never be born! That means I’ll never be transported involuntarily to 1885, which means this never happened. My God man, we’re screwed!”

    Marty and Doc cried “Nooooooooooo” as the world dissolved before there eyes.

    (Bonus Cliche- are you ready? Are you psyched, are you gonna get psyced up?)

    When Marty woke up it was all a dream.

    • Ja-Man #

      Thats amazing! I think that realy should have happend.

  15. Mike #

    Brutus and the conspirators cluster around Caesar, stabbing him repeatedly with their knives until he lies dead on the ground. Camera pans up to show the large and expanding pool of blood around him. Closeup on Brutus as he turns away, a look of grim achievement on his face. There’s a rustle behind him. Brutus slowly turns to look, and sees Caesar stumbling toward him, holding someone’s blood-soaked knife.

    “ET THIS, BRUTE!” snarls Caesar, and plunges the knife into Brutus’s eye. blood sprays out in slow motion. Caesar throws himself over a nearby parapet into a convenient chariot and gallops off, the surviving conspirators in hot pursuit in their own chariots.

    That more or less covers all 4 (the ancient prophesy is already there in the story), though there’s a little confusion about who is the good guy and who is the bad guy between Caesar and Brutus. But hey, the moral ambiguity of all human action, amirite?

    • Mike #

      Cliche #1 (okay, it’s a metaphorical death):
      Elizabeth Bennet: I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them.
      Mr. Collins: I am not now to learn, that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.
      Elizabeth: Upon my word, Sir, your hope is rather an extraordinary one after my declaration.

      Cliche #2:
      Mr. Darcy: You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.
      Elizabeth: Yes yes oh yes!
      [They kiss]
      Mr. Collins: I understand that is common with elegant females to become engaged to another gentleman in order to stir the passions of the man they truly intend to accept, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.
      [dramatic chipmunk music]
      Elizabeth: Oh for fuck’s sake!

      Cliche #3:
      [Introductory narrative voiceover] It is a truth universally acknowledged, and foretold in the book of revelations, that a young man of good fortune must be in want of a wife.
      [Bosch-esque montage of fearful revelation-type activities, from which an image eventually emerges of a wealthy British regency-era gentleman and a fine-eyed young lady; painted images fades to first scene]

      Cliche #4:
      Elizabeth: Upon my word, Sir, your hope is rather an extraordinary one after my declaration.
      [Elizabeth climbs into waiting barouche-landau and drives off. Mr. Collins leaps onto his plunging black charger and gives chase]
      Mr. Collins: I say, I shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long!
      Elizabeth [urging the horses on]: I am perfectly serious in my refusal! — You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who would make you so!
      Mr. Collins [leaping over ravine]: I cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all disapprove of you. And you may be certain that when I have the honour of seeing her again I shall speak in the highest terms of your modesty, economy, and other amiable qualifications!
      Elizabeth [just making it onto a ferry, as Mr. Collins reins in at the shore]: I wish you very happy and very rich, and by refusing your hand, do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise.
      Mr. Collins: When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on this subject I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me.
      [Mr. Collins expression of steely resolve; dramatic chipmunk music]

      • Mike #

        Bonus cliche: scenes appear in reverse chronological order, starting with the marriage of Elizabeth and Darcy and leading all the way back to the “It is a truth universally acknowledged” voiceover.

    • Mark #

      “ET THIS, BRUTE!” – That’s brilliant! You have my vote for contest champion just for that, but unfortunately this isn’t an overthinkocracy, it’s an overthinktatorship.

      • Gab #

        “Overthinkatorship” gives me the image of a mecha with the head of Otis called the Overthinkator. Like a cross between a Transformer and a Terminator.

        • Mark #

          Sounds like the next t-shirt idea.

        • Mike #

          overthinktatorship makes me think of a potato chip shaped like mussolini. or a terminator. or a terminator mussolini.

          • Gab #

            That sounds like a shirt, too.

  16. Howard #

    An ancient Minnesotan legend tells of a ragtag band of misfits, armed only with sticks, led by a wounded warrior, who conquer the state…and the world.

    The Mighty Ducks/D2: The Mighty Ducks.


    Gordon Bombay: Nice going Charlie. You really put the game on ice.

  17. Mark #

    Okay, here are my entries:

    1 – Chingachgook stands facing a bruised and defeated Magua. “You’re about to feel the Blast of the Mohicans!” He spins and smashes his blue warclub of death into Magua’s head, sending him plummeting off the cliff. [btw, “Last of the Mohicans” has to be in the running for movie with the latest Ghost Ship Moment.]

    2 – Jack and Marla hold hands while they watch the buildings collapse. Suddenly, Tyler Durden appears behind them and karate kicks Jack in the back, knocking him to the ground. “What part of ‘imaginary friend’ don’t you get?” shouts Tyler. Jack and Tyler resume their existential debate. Tyler realizes that Marla is the problem and begins attacking her. Marla, only seeing that Jack fell to the ground, talked to himself, and then started attacking her, grabs the gun and puts it in Jack’s mouth. “The first rule of Marla Singer is: you do not F*** with Marla Singer!” She shoots out Jack’s other cheek. Tyler collapses to the ground with another gunshot wound out the back of his head. Jack and Marla embrace.

    3 – Chief: “My people tell a story of how a sane stranger came into the tribe and became the craziest man of all in order to battle the white witch; how he taught us to fish and healed the stutterer; and how he sacrificed himself to make us all as big as mountains. I thought it was just a legend until Randle McMurphy came onto our ward…”

    4 – Peter hears the rooster crow and realizes he has betrayed Jesus, as He predicted. His grief gives way to a steely resolve. He jumps onto a passing chariot and throws the Roman driver over the side, head first into a stone wall. The Disciple Whom Jesus Loved jumps into the chariot next to Peter. “What can we do?”, he asks. Peter hands him the reins and pulls out his trusty sword, Ear-Chopper, as two more chariots bearing Roman soldiers turn the corner and start chasing them. “We’ve got to get back to the Upper Room and get the rest of the boys, along with His mom and Mary Magdalene, and get to Golgotha before the sixth hour.” “Can we make it in time?”, The Disciple Whom Jesus Loved asks. “We have to,” says Peter, “we’re on a mission from God.” [It sounds a lot more dramatic in Aramaic. I think Mel Gibson really would have put a chariot chase into the movie somewhere if he thought he could get away with it.]

    • Mike #

      “Blast of the Mohicans” rules. I would totally see that in 3D

  18. Brian #

    2001: A Space Odyssey Starring Will Smith, from the Producers of I am Legend and I, Robot.

    Dave (Will Smith) loudly rockets across space pursuing HAL who took control of Discovery One, a meteorite hits Dave’s pod with a surround sound BWakxwOOM! Dave- “Ah hell naw, I just waxed dis space whip dawg!” He hits the explosive bolts button loudly blowing the back hatch giving him that extra thrust to catch Discovery One, in fact thrusts him in front of it, Dave jumps out the back of pod flying through space like superman smashes through front window of Discovery soars through the cabin towards HAL’s CPU room smashing through it’s window, the momentum still rocketing him Dave braces his fists as he smashes into HAL’s CPU boards. HAL starts singing Daisy ever more slowly, Dave- “Don’t you ever touch a black man’s radio.” pushes play on Apple’s new iPad (available now at Best Buy) hooked to Apples new iPad speakers (sold separately), J-Lo’s “I’m Real” jams out right on the chorus line, HAL’s eye fades to black. But Dave has no time to celebrate, Jupiter’s gravity is pulling the ship in!

    Dave crash lands safely on Jupiter, though his new iPad is broken so he’ll have to buy a new one, but finds another ship already there! A group of humanoid robots from Alpha Centauri on a mission of knowledge seeking, who happen to be atheist socialists. Dave in righteous self defense of the morals of Earth destroys them all with a MacGyvered EMP bomb, sacrificing himself so others can live free (ala I am Legend) when the EMP destroys his life support. Asphyxiating, his last vision- sitting on a tropical beach, a smoky wisp materializes into handsomely manicured Charlton Heston in robe and beard and Winchester who embraces Dave, Dave-”Science, it makes only monsters, there is only one true light.” Charlton Heston with Sunlight halo of hair nods- suddenly takes aim and shoots a genetic enhanced ape, mercifully winging it’s shoulder as a warning shot! Dave-”Thanks, you’re my eternal protector.” Heston gives an awkward manly kiss on Dave’s forehead, everything explodes into white light. JLo’s “I’m Real” jams over the credits. At the very end of 20 minutes of CGI animator credits the genetically enhanced ape picks up Alphi Centauri robot body, cradling it like Michelangelo’s Pieta Jesus and Mary statue, LED eye of an Centauri bot shoots back to life laughing manically in HAL’s slow voice- “I can never die, I cloned myself-the ultimate evil! Mwuahhhh! Puny humans and We are your hubris incarnate!” Robot and genetically enhanced ape laugh manically at Dave’s frozen corpse mocking it’s blissful repose.

  19. Matthew Wrather OTI Staff #

    And that’s a wrap on Clichemageddon 3D entries.

    Stay tuned for the winners post on Memorial Day, which was long the traditional start of the Summer Movie season. (These days, I think anything after the Oscars counts.)

    And thanks for cliché-ing!