Build Your Own Child Assassin

How bad a parent can you be?

The good Internet marketers who are promoting the release of The Chemical Brothers’ soundtrack (sample track) for the movie Hanna, starring Saoirse Ronan as the titular killer, have offered us some adorable girl-assassin swag in the hopes that we could run a contest to raise awareness of the film, the soundtrack, and the tragically overlooked issues of child assassins everywhere. “Who will speak for them?” these surprisingly empathic marketing professionals asked us. “Who will speak for the dead-eyed poppets whose innocent impulses of trust and loyalty have been twisted to suit the interest of their powerful employers?”

We at Overthinking It are only too happy to take up the mantle.

Leave a comment on this post before Thursday April 28, 2011 at 10pm ET with the most absurd, maladaptive parenting advice you can devise…advice designed to transform an innocent, harmless baby, eyes wide with wonder at the world’s limitless possibilities, into a deadly, emotionless, underage killing machine.

We’ll feature our favorite entries on the site over the weekend, and one lucky winner will get a bundle of Hanna swag. (Fill in a working email address on the contact form so that we can get in touch.) What are you waiting for? Start warping children today!

61 Comments on “Build Your Own Child Assassin”

  1. Katie #

    Be sure that your child never trusts anyone, ever. Remember, Barney is only wearing that full body dinosaur suit so he can hide weapons under it, or perhaps a bomb vest. CUTENESS IS WEAKNESS.

  2. Sean Nixon #

    You do not have to be responsible for the world you live in.

  3. Oddtwang #

    Be sure to tell your child about Santa – about how a jackbooted fascistic megalomaniac with advanced travel and stealth technology breaks into homes, drunk on brandy and eggnog, and punishes those who have been determined to be ‘naughty’ (according to his own opaque and arbitrary standards) without so much as a summary trial, let alone a jury of their peers, all the while using derogatory and misogynistic language in a chillingly deep voice.

  4. Oddtwang #

    The age ratings on movies are measured in months.
    If your six-year-old doesn’t want to sit through A Clockwork Orange, the film itself will act as a guide to the best way to make them comply.

  5. Tim #

    I’m not going to name my children. I’m going to wait until their 5th birthday and let them choose their own name.

    “You’re five now. I hope you’ve given it a lot of thought. What do you want your name to be?”
    “Blue Power Ranger!”
    “Done. You will now and forever be known as Blue Power Ranger.Just in time to start public school too!”

    To turn them into violent sociopath killers? I just have to let them play D&D and Video games, right? That’s easy.

  6. Tim #

    Better idea (and I’ll stop posting)

    I’ll make them right 30,000 words on Dragon Ball Z. That’ll be enough to make anyone want to kill.

    • Tim #

      *Write, not right. Failure.

  7. B-Money #

    tell them to believe in Mormonism

    • ping #

      Yep, ’cause we really send the missionaries out at crack assassin teams. How did you figure that out??

    • DarthBlu3 #

      “tell them to believe in Mormonism”? Dont’ be a dumbass. Even if you disagree with Mormonism, which apparently you do,it is highly unlikely Mormonism will contribute to someone being a child assassin. Since Mormons are taught not to kill or harm others, they would make a poor choice as a child assassin candidate.

  8. Heather #

    Worst advice: “your baby isn’t gaining enough weight. start feeding her butter.”

  9. Douglas F #

    So you want foo, huh? GO GET IT THEN

    • Douglas F #

      *food, sorry =D

  10. Dan #

    You know, I’d probably take a pitiless child assassin over some of the actual five-year-olds I have to work with every day.

  11. Cave Johnson #

    As a parent, you should always be asking yourself: “Does it need more fire?”

    And let me tell you folks, if the answer isn’t “Yes!” Then there’s something wrong with you. And more importantly, there will be something wrong with your child.

  12. Mark #

    The only way to kill spiders (and your enemies) properly is burning the building down that they are currently occupying.

  13. Genevieve #

    It all begins with pets. The best way to raise a cold, callous killer is to give a child something to care about, and then make sure it dies. Give the kid time to get attached first, and start out with something simple that will inevitably die on its own – goldfish, maybe. Make sure the kid has a crucial job (feeding the fish, etc) and then make sure to tell them that it died because they failed. As they get older (maybe 5, 6) move on to pets that they have to kill themselves – a pig, say, that needs to become a holiday meal… or infect their dog with rabies and make them shoot it. Maybe get a guinea pig or such & force the kid to watch it eat its babies. Have the kid raise a pet rat, and then make the kid feed it to your pet snake. Pets are the key here, people. Pets, and red dye 40.

    • Gab #

      I was going to say something like that, actually. To give the kid a pet, let them bond, then kill the pet in front of them.

      • Timothy J Swann #

        I hate to get all Godwin here, but I’ve heard that one’s been done.

        • Gab #

          Heh, well, if you take my word for it, what happened was I was literally typing my initial response when someone asked me to go do something with them. I told the group what I had been doing, and was told that wasn’t good enough. I refreshed the page when I got home, and lo, Genevieve had executed the idea in a much more eloquent way than I would have.

    • Rob #


    • RIRedinPA #

      Some Hitler Youth kids were actually put through that – they raised a dog from a pup and then, several years after being attached to it they then had to kill the dog.

      • Genevieve #

        Can we go back in time and have you not tell me that? **shudder**

        My approach would be more broad-based, though, and start at a far earlier age. Heh. Haha? Yeah, not quite so funny, anymore. You killed my fun, funkiller!

  14. ping #

    Parents, never let your children see something as wholly good. Sure, it might be a beautiful sunset, but at least half the clouds are laden with acid rain-producing chemicals. Yes, that’s a nice-looking shirt, but think of the calloused fingers of the child laborer who made it and got paid pennies on the dollar of what you’re paying for it.

    Conversely, don’t let them see anything as wholly bad. A dead dog did live a good life, and its corpse will help fulfill the circle of life. Being evicted from yet another low-rent dive also means a chance to get to know people in a different city.

    This is a difficult balance to maintain, but one that is vital to helping your child assassin maintain enough hope that killing the evil people of the world will some day make it a better place.

    Just make sure you’re far away and have hidden your identity completely by the time they hit that rebellious teenager phase.

    • Douglas F #

      IDK, that seems like something i’d really do with my children. The world is grey, I think they should know that. Or maybe I shouldn’t have kids.

      • Genevieve #

        Actually, I think you’re cool. I’m pretty close to that, with my kids, and my daughter just turned 9, so she’s only got 4 years left before she fails to be a child assassin (although her teen years are up for grabs.) I mean, we haven’t given up on hope or anything, but we certainly talk about how people, especially, are *never* either “good” or “bad,” they just make choices. Honestly, I think that framing the world as black & white instead of gray is a far better way to screw up your kids.

  15. Brian #

    Seven Simple Rules for My Assassin Daughter

    1. Everyone in the world is really a soulless puppet to be manipulated in your life story. There are two kinds of puppets, stupid ones who do as you rightly say, and bad ones who don’t do as you rightly say- they are the ones trying to kill you, killing them is self defense and just, this will also set them free of their suffering as they secretly want you to kill them as that’s the only explanation for doing something so stupid as disagreeing with you.

    2. Anytime you feel doubt is someone doing witchcraft or using nanobots to weaken you, kill someone and it will transfer to that dead body then kill whoever is trying to harm you.

    3. Love is a lie, it’s only meaningless chemicals, no one can love anyone else only themselves, you are forever alone and there is nothing beyond death, this proves you are the end all and be all of the universe and everyone must do whatever you want whenever you want or else the universe collapses.

    4. All you’re success’s are your own, if something didn’t work it was someone else’s fault, if no one confesses to the fault then they’re all conspiring against you and must be killed in an extravagant way to show the stupid you were really right and just.

    5. Partaketh only of McDonald’s Big Macs ground from the hearts of your slain enemies, Diet Coke, and curly fries no less then ten times a day with three cigarettes per course, not 4 not 2 but 3, kerosine or Oreo milkshakes are also ok, but these alone are pure and worthy of your consumption.

    6. You are the smartest most beautiful person who ever lived and you can do anything you want.

    7. Beyonce’ had the best video of all time.

    • Brian #

      I guess it should be 8 rules to drive the clarify the pun on the John Ritter sitcom. So…

      8. The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the Gun shoots Death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth, and kill! Zardoz has spoken.

  16. inmate #

    Have them kill helpless people with a spoon as soon as they’re old enough to hold one. When they can walk, they have to chase their prey down. And when they get to grade school, the have to make someone in the building disappear without anyone noticing each year.

    And remember: no deaths, no dinner.

  17. Gab #

    Conspire with your sibling-in-law to kill the kid’s other parent, then marry said in-law right after. Tie the kid to the wall, stick a funnel in their mouth, and force-feed them nothing but sauerkraut. And make sure you slap them around a little with their wire hangars. When you untie them, chase them around an abandoned hotel with an axe for a while. Remind them they were really just a bastard in a basket, then convince them to give you their kidney. Ask them how much they love you, and then reject them when they give you a purely honest answer. Then lock them in a room (preferably with a large mirror, so they can stare at their reflection) and tell them that because of their sin, they can’t go to the ball. Then you just turn them over to the right people and have them brainwashed into an assassin so they can kill whoever you want.

    • Michele #

      But you see, then you’ll just have them turn into Weird Al and go to A-a-a-albuqerque. You have to mix it up- give them kimchi sometimes, or maybe go Nordic and feed them fermented, rotting fish.

  18. northzax #

    I’m going with a steady diet of Glen Beck. All Glen Beck, all the time. This way, they will learn quickly that the whole world is out to get them, and that the only protection comes from me. you cry? no food, no touching, no nothing. show emotion and be punished, show nothing and eat.

    all children think their parents are and know everything. I just need to convince them that everyone else is out to get them.

  19. Kenley #

    Give her the Hit Girl treatment.

  20. Rob #

    I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening?


  21. richies^ghost #

    When your child reaches for anything white and fuzzy (i.e. rats, bunnies, santa claus) be sure to make a loud traumatic noise. Once properly conditioned, leave them to the winds of fate whilst you muse about what it would have been like condition their erotic responses as well.

  22. Joe #

    I would make my children watch me have sex with their mother. And maybe this wouldn’t turn them into coldblooded assassins, per se, but it would SERIOUSLY fuck them up.

  23. Timothy J Swann #

    As usual, the answer is neurosurgery.
    “Eslinger and Damasio described moral behavioural deficits in a patient with damage to the ventromedial PFC acquired in adulthood, who was remarkably unimpaired in specific MORAL REASONING tasks. It was later shown that ventromedial PFC lesions acquired at an early age led to impairments in both moral reasoning and behaviour, indicating that moral development can be arrested by early PFC damage24, 25. These impairments in moral conduct resemble those observed in developmental PSYCHOPATHY”

    Okay, so once you have a psychopath, you just need to convince them that it’s worth their while to co-operate with you to kill your enemies. At this early age, it is probable they will do so for ice cream.

  24. Mark #

    I hate to be a party pooper, but this contest doesn’t really appeal to me. Worst parenting advice? That’s not overthinking. It’s like asking for people to write the most disturbing dead baby jokes; it may be entertaining in a sick way, but not really overthinking.

    I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I could imagine it inspiring several good overthinking posts; for instance, the movie as a critique of the West’s failure to adequately deal with the child sex trafficking problem. Or a discussion of why fictional child assassins are overwhelmingly female (e.g., Hanna, Hit Girl, the Professional).

    • Brian #

      It’s ok to love being the party pooper, that’s what the child assassin thing is all about-being honest and not passive aggressive. But I think it requires more thought to step outside yourself and try and see things from an unusual point of view than to write a dead baby joke.

      I also think the child sex traffick issue is just a new War on Drugs, a projection of American guilt onto an underclass, “I’m a great educator and protector of children, when compared to child sex traffickers.” If children in movies represent “possibilities” then it makes sense that they are at risk of being stolen by adults who’ve had their possibilities limited by economic and other reasons and are out to strengthen their loosening grip on time and power by finding a kid to live through by totally dismissing that child’s individuality, rights and will. So as long as there’s child sex traffickers out there setting the bar so low, whatever parents do to kids to have the kid fulfill the parents sense of possibilities and power, and not parents providing possibilities for kids is ok, because they’re not subordinating the child’s will for simple base sexual pleasure.

    • fenzel OTI Staff #

      This was my overthinking around the topic for the contest –

      There’s a huge disjuncture between fiction and reality in the treatment of children, especially among the bourgeoisie who are the target audience for movies like Hanna. For me, the subject matter of the contest isn’t primarily funny because it’s brutal (and it’s unlikely the most brutal, sadistic submission will win), it’s funny because deep down we are really anxious about children and upbringing – and we understand very well the constraints that shape the way our parents raised us and how we might raise anyone else (some of the readers and writers are no doubt parents themselves).

      Every day we are bombarded with messaging about the seen and unseen dangers that face children and children’s children from before they are conceived to long after they are gone – from the wrong underwear lowering sperm count to the death of the sun, it all threatens children in some way.

      We as a culture are stultified by our fear for the welfare of children, terrified in multiple ways by the memory of our own childhoods, and crushed by the thought that no matter what we do, we will probably screw up and scar any children we have for life, just as we feel we were scarred for life – and we probably all feel that to a greater or lesser degree.

      It’s part of the overriding biopower that our society uses to limit and control us – to frame us as sick and in need of health and protection from public or private authority, or as incapable of understanding ourselves and in need of supervisory figures with responsibility for our minds, who in turn must drug us and otherwise sedate us to patch up our childhood wounds — “Tell me about your mother…” etc.

      And that biopower is also reflected in how products around children are marketed to us – how the latest car seat or stroller or safe-drinking cup is necessary so any child we may have isn’t instantly vaporized in a horrible juice-drinking accident.

      So, the overthinking angle here is how weird it is to actually _want_ to raise your child badly. How strange and funny and liberating an idea it is – because we are under so … much … pressure … to do it right and so much suggestion that, despite our best efforts, we will fail.

      Meanwhile, fiction thrives off both the power fantasy underlying the notion of reproducing ourselves in our own image, and the power fantasy of rejecting the anxiety around social norms for parenting and reproduction – as well as the dark spectre of truly ruined or heinous childhoods – which is very real for many people, but for most of the audiences for movies like Hanna – is more of a Law and Order SVU theatre of salacious cruelty experience.

      As for the gender thing, I would suspect the reason we perceive there being a lot of female child assassins, despite young boys in fiction being overwhelmingly, overwhelmingly committed to violence to a far greater degree than young girls – is because these assasins have to hide who they are, to an extent, whereas if a bunch of 14 year old boys wants to get weapons and murder a bunch of people, they just do it in broad daylight with the blessing of a cartoon animal with an asian accent.

      Hope this helps :-)

      • Genevieve #

        “the overthinking angle here is how weird it is to actually _want_ to raise your child badly. How strange and funny and liberating an idea it is – because we are under so … much … pressure … to do it right and so much suggestion that, despite our best efforts, we will fail.”

        This is honestly why I went for the “brutal, sadistic submission.” I’m sure there are a whole list of things that I do to my kids that someone or other would consider raising them “badly,” and they’re all things that I actively choose, not baseline, run-of-the-mill neglect. On the other hand, I sat and thought and thought and had a damned hard time coming up with things that *I* think are “bad” child-rearing choices, that someone else wouldn’t think are a-ok.

        I mean, I don’t spank my children, or let them eat fast food, or own a television… but, *I* was raised on McDonald’s, spankings, and the Disney Afternoon, and *I’m* not an assassin. Maybe, as a parent, I’m just too touchy… but there are so many things on here that seem funny on the surface, but let’s face it: there are kids who are raised Mormon, or who want to be lawyers, or who are taught that the world is shades of gray, and more often than not, they turn out to be decent human beings.

        This may not have been true a generation or so ago, but I think that it’s pretty well accepted anymore that there is no one “right” way to raise children. It can be daunting to go against the norm (apparently, painting a boy’s toenails pink makes him gay, and apparently, being gay is to be avoided at all costs) but whatever your philosophy, chances are there’s a HUGE internet presence ready to support you ( is one of my favorite examples.)

        I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t really see “the power fantasy of rejecting the anxiety around social norms for parenting and reproduction” – because I think most people know nowadays that no matter what choices they make, someone will vehemently disagree with them.

  25. Patrick #

    Forget growing up to be an astronaut or a magical princess: let’s talk about you becoming a lawyer…

  26. Shelley #

    Put your young child in the oven and start the preheat. Let her know that it’s a game, and that if she escapes with minimal burns, then she’s a winner! When she asks you the name of the game, answer (as deadpan as possible): “Life.” Then take a swig from your flask and tell her it’s time for another round of five-finger fillet. And that if she cries again, she’s sleeping outside.

  27. Eric #

    First off, it all comes down to training. Someone with martial arts conditioning starting from around age two will grow into a psycho assassin who’s physically well-balanced, strong, and as close to physical perfection as they can get. More importantly, they will be able to tear their targets apart with their bare hands, as well as with firearms and edged weapons. I’m think that my little tyke will recieve training in Krav Maga, Sambo, and Wushu (look ’em up if you’re unfamiliar). The Wushu will teach self-discipline and precison, the Sambo should cover any fights that reach the ground, and Krav Maga will give them the proper mindset of “kill or be killed”, along with a host of filthy underhanded tactics. Any target who tries to jump my little daring from behind shall be broken and shattered before being summarily executed by a quick chop to the throat.

    So, three teachers will be giving my adorable little mass-murderer lessons and physical conditioning in her toddler years. But what good is this if my child accidentally becomes a sweet natured and decent human being?

    I raise my child on violent “realistic” movies. Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down, etc. My wee lass will watch William Wallce hacking up Englishman, watch chopper gunners tear apart Vietnamese villagers to “Ride of the Valkyries”, cheer on as American machine gunners flank and destroy Nazi regulars in Band of Brothers.

    When she watches the little girl sniper in Full Metal Jacket plink away at American GIs, I’ll tell her, “That girl is incompetent. They zeroed in on her and shot her. You must be more skillful and wary than her.”

    I send for the best teachers money can buy to teach her fencing,both with epees and with katanas. Once she masters these, I teach her polearms and knives. I obviously don’t think she’ll ever use these to eliminate a target, but she needs to be able to kill anyone with anything.

    Once she is death incarnate and inundated with gory images, I teach her firearms. Assualt rifles, hand guns, submahcine guns, long range sniper rifles. Once she is technically proficient in placing bullets into a specified targets reliably, I teach her military tactics and theory- the concept of enfilade, “winning the fire exchange”, cover and concealment, suppresive fire, etc.

    I then show her her favorite movies and show how THIS hero successfully used covering fire to get himself close to his opponent to line up a shot, but THIS one used Hollywood tactics and camera trickery. She then views every movies she’s ever seen and either falls in love with them all over again or dismisses them as B. S.

    By this time, her lifelong training and conditioning should have rendered her immune to pain and fear- regular shopping mall karate can pump up normal people after a relatively short time, so just imagine a childhood full of intense workouts and exercises. She can shoot any gun, wield any blade, cripple any “mofo” that tangles with her.

    All that is left now is to send her out to eliminate sombody I dislike.

  28. Joel E C #

    I would tell my adolescent assassin (regardless of sex) that menstrual blood is a weakness that has to be overcome.

  29. Ben #

    First, I would spend the first eight years of the child’s life instilling the Christmas spirit in him. Then, I would invite my huge family to go on a vacation to Florida over Christmas, but accidentally leave the child at home, being sure to do so at a time when I know that violent criminals will be breaking into houses in the neighborhood. If I can convince the child that he himself is directly responsible for the rest of the family’s disappearance, all the better.

    Fill the house with various deadly weapons, and leave the child to fend for himself against the burglars. If I can ensure that he believes the police will not help and the neighbors are all madmen, then once again, all the better.

    One year later, just as the emotional wounds are starting to heal, I would get the family together for a trip to France, but then abandon the child in the airport, leading him to believe that we have all boarded a flight to New York. I would ensure that the same violent criminals will find him there, and drop a few hints about my brother’s abandoned house, which is undergoing renovations, being open. It, of course, will also be filled with weapons.

  30. Brian #

    If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children. -Mohandas Gandhi

    I believe that a man is the strongest soldier for daring to die unarmed. -Mohandas Gandhi

    If even that smelly hippie wants children warriors then it must be just. And I’m positive he means kill children with children, so you my child will be the ultimate child assassin of children who want war. Since they won’t have real weapons, you will use only Seagal neck snaps, to give them an honorable death, for though we disagree with them we still honor them. I’m locking you in a storage shed with 10,000 Snickers, 500 gallons of Red Bull, every Steven Seagal movie ever made including his rare instructional video from the 80’s, and 25 pythons-since they’re all neck you can use them more than once. You will be ready when you can neck snap your way out of your $39.95 a month cocoon, whence upon you will snap the Earth into peace.

  31. Sean Nixon #

    Oh, I got another one.

    Educate child by having them fact check Wikipedia articles with print sources. Any topics they like from science, math, history and literature; not just sitting around editing the transformer wikis. Recess can be fencing and archery lessons.

  32. Harold #

    make them see every episode of naruto, and have it taught as a manual on how a 13 year old should be a ninja.

    You guys need to overthink child soldiers in popular kids media like Anime and teen titans. Compare Children who are trained to kill to real life children who are trained to kill.

    • fenzel OTI Staff #

      This is a great idea for a post.

      BELIEVE IT!!

  33. CG #

    Require your child to gather the tears of innocents, which they can then trade for meals and rent. By the time they’re eight you should require covert video evidence of the tears’ origins. By the time they’re ten you can start calling targets.

  34. cat #

    1) Low Self-Esteem: Accomplish step one by withholding love and constantly criticizing the child for his or her failures while coldly acknowledging their successes with the barest mininum of praise. Periodically sprinkle in moments of affection to breed a warped sense of dependence.

    Note: Step one will require you to isolate the child from any other meaningful sources of affection that the child can view as an equal. For more tips on step one see “Archer”.

    2) Indoctrinate: As the child must be isolated (see step one) you will have full control over its education. In addition to physical conditioning, slowly drill a doctrine into the child’s mind starting with simple concepts in primers and working your way up to a complete text.

    Note: Will require you to conceptualize a doctrine and then do a lot of writing. To (at some point in the future) transition the child from an assasin with a moral code to a merciless and or randomly violent individual infuse your writing with a hidden code or subtext so that they can eventually discover you invented the whole thing. Warning: Do not attempt this if you are not skilled at subtlety or codes. Child may begin to direct anger solely at you.

  35. Tim #

    My 3 year old daughter is at a very curious and stubborn age. She is beginning to understand abstract ideas and complex concepts, if only at the lowest level. Most of the compliance I achieve comes from lies I tell her about something worse than me (a loving, sensible father) retaliating against her for her failure to abide by rules. Or sometimes she just won’t stop trying to grab the dog’s droopy vagina.

    Specifically, I recently warned her to stay out of the basement (where we keep the power tools and contents of a room we’re remodeling) because there is a dinosaur down there who we don’t feed enough (because we don’t have the money to keep a large reptile well fed).

    This does 2 things, it scares her into following an order, and it also instills this sick sense that I’ve protected her from some brutal end. Instead of punishing her, I’ve tricked her into loving me just a little bit more.

    Were I in need of a child assassin, I’d take this further. I’d begin making overly complicated rules with more desperate consequences for breaking them. “There is a giant spider monster that hides in the bathroom when we’re eating dinner. He leaves when we’re done, so hold it until then or take your chances with Arax on the can.”

    Now, eventually there will come a time where she has to decide to either pee her pants at the dinner table, or defy my suggestion (no longer an order) and march on up there.

    This will cause a lot of anxiety as a toddler is only just learning how to internalize abstract fears and junk. Pick an opportune moment and offer to show her how she can enter the basement, or the bathroom during dinner, or play in the cabinets under the kitchen sink, without being afraid of what’s waiting for her.

    Her training begins that day.

    P.S., when she gets into the bathroom and finds out there is no giant spider monster, explain that it’s because he was watching her training and became afraid of her.

    P.P.S. And then you begin to tell her about the awful things that will happen to her if she doesn’t start murdering her targets, but you knew that.

    • Brian #

      Now I hope I’m reading this right as it might be a series of unfortunate spelling errors; but your dog has the sexual organ “vagina” abnormally large and “droops” down enough to be grabbed and held by three year old size hands? Does your dog have a droopy vagina as some anomaly or is there a breed that has that as a prized characteristic like a Dalmation’s spots? Because it sounds like a serious problem that should be examined by a vet to figure how to cure or breed that out, unless it’s somehow an evolutionary advantage. Or maybe I know nothing about dogs.

      • Tim #

        I inherited my parents’ 10 year old mastiff when they moved. I don’t know anything about breeds but she’s a big lady and probably not pure. She’s had that butt pouch as long as I can remember and none of the vets ever saw it as a problem.

        But something about it just makes kids want to chase her.

  36. Nick #

    Take them to the theatre to see a play that will terrify them. Upon leaving, have a fake mugger help you fake your own death in front of the child. Allow this child to be raised by an elderly family friend from now on.

    Now here’s the tricky bit: Years later (or whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate) slice your cheeks open with a razor blade, slap on a load of make up and wreak anarchic havoc upon your childs home town. Find out who your kid’s crushing on and kill her to death. If possible set it up in a way that will make the kid think it’s his fault.

    Now stage an elaborate plan that will make your child hunt you down before you kill literal boatloads of people. Fight him until you’re suspended from a great height. Then look him straight in the eyes and tell him “I am your father”.

    From there it can go two ways. Either he will now be a trained killing machine, so haunted by what he has seen that he will shut down and become an empty shell, ready to accept any and all orders he is given, no matter what the consequences.
    Or he’ll cry a bit, fight against you and finally forgive you right as you’re about to get your comeuppance (never letting him hear emo or rock music should help reduce the chances of this happening).

  37. Tony #

    Years 1 through 6 will be spent with me as a strict regiment of physical and social training begins that maximizes her awareness and intelligence based on recent scientific developments.

    Then, at year 7, she will be kidnapped and tortured by unrecognizable strangers and put through painful stress tests to push the limits of her logical, analytical and physical abilities. All the while, they will “allow” me access to her through brief telephone conversations where I appear to desperately attempt to find out where she is. Finally, after 6 months of breaking her down physically and psychologically, I find her and “release her.”

    This terrible kidnapping experience becomes the impetus to begin training her professionally; first with a regiments that’s less intensive and more loving in appearance, then (as her memory of the kidnapping becomes exaggerated in time) her training becomes motivational. I serve as her drill sergeant and psychologist, forcing her mind to focus around games of logic and spacial awareness while constantly pushing her physical abilities to their daily limits.

    Finally, around 13 years old, I’ll slowly maintain a level of normality with her daily regiment while introducing her to increasingly complex moral dilemmas masked as social situations until she feels comfortable and empowered enough to step into the world at 100% spy capacity.

  38. Matthew Wrather OTI Staff #

    And so ends the contest. You people are sick.