This Halloween, I fulfilled one of my lifelong ambitions by constructing my own Terminator costume. However, at my office party, only about half of my co-workers correctly identified me as a Terminator upon first glance. Most guessed “robot.”
They will be the first to be co-opted by Skynet. Robot? A Terminator is no mere robot.
My fellow Overthinkers: I know we’re facing economic and foreign policy crises in our world, but this shocking inability to recognize a hunter-killer cyborg from the future needs our full and immediate attention. We need a Terminator Awareness Campaign, and it starts now.
1. Know your enemy
It should be obvious when you see someone with a metal endoskeletal appendage sticking out of an otherwise normal human body, but in case you were wondering, yes, it a pretty sure sign that someone with a metal endoskeletal appendage is in fact a Terminator.
With me so far? Good. Now, typically, Terminators don’t go around with their metal appendages flapping in the breeze like this. They’re designed to be infiltrators, to blend in with humans. However, there are limits to their programming, as they often exhibit awkward social skills and communication difficulties. These are easily mistaken for Asperger’s Syndrome, so don’t be fooled:
2. Be alert: look out for potential Terminator activity in your area
Industrial and vehicular accidents are often explained with “official reports” of human error, criminal activity, or mechanical failure. However, it’s been proven that Terminators prefer to do battle with humans on freeways, factories, and malls in heavily populated areas. I recommend monitoring police radio frequencies for unexplained high-speed chases involving seemingly unstoppable perps:
3. Skynet is here and now
Terminators may be from the future, but Skynet, the insidious computer system that will destroy mankind and send Terminators back in time, is in our present. Every advance in Artificial Intelligence hastens Skynet’s arrival. Fortunately, a crack team of technology experts reports daily on advance Skynet prototypes. Below are some examples. Know these threats, do not let them near your home, and most certainly do not let them near your computer:
4. Don’t be fooled
Skynet has commissioned a series of movies and television shows cleverly called “Terminator” to mislead human with false portrayals of Terminators. Further, Skynet has propagated this false depiction of Terminators across the Internet with its own sophisticated publicity campaign. Consequently, popular pre-conceived notions of what Terminators look like should be disregarded:
Revealed for the first time, in this Terminator Awareness Campaign, here is the true form of the cyborg menace living among us:
Now, spread the word. And don’t forget to eliminate as many
dogs Terminators as you can. Skynet Humanity will thank you.
How tall are you?
What about dogs? The humans in the future use them for sniffing out Terminators. Should we all get our own personal Max?
Belinkie: go back and read section 4. Getting what is commonly referred to as a “dog” is probably not a good idea; in fact, it is the opposite of what I am suggesting.
This is what I’m talking about, people!
But maybe only that one breed of dog is evil? That could be why OTHER dogs are so useful in sniffing out Terminators.
Belinkie: by the end, Skynet has co-opted the article and is instructing humans to wipe out dogs so future humans won’t have them around to sniff out terminators.
Again, this is what I’m talking about! If we can’t identify when our blogs have been co-opted by Skynet, then we are surely doomed.
Terminators are known for having one really long arm and one normal sized one. That should have been recognized.
my gosh the world is small. I clicked on a link on my friend’s (non Yalie) status update and ended up on belinke’s 40 inspirational speeches montage and my suspicions that the name was familiar turns out to be correct. good job on the arm. hope all is well.