Is it possible to tell a single story that incorporates every major movie that came out this summer? Let’s find out.
A stylish woman sits in a coffee shop, typing on her laptop. We hear a familiar voiceover:
“Sometimes, it seems like every man is an action hero… until the clothes come off.
“Take my new squeeze – let’s call him Bruce. Billionaire. Playboy. Sure, he lives in Gotham, and I’m not a huge fan of long distance relationships… but a private jet has a way of bringing people together. However, there was one place Bruce had never taken me in two months of dating: the bedroom. As soon as night fell, he would suddenly say he had a lot of work to do and send me home. If he tries that one more time, I’m sleeping with the butler.
“Samantha was having her own problems. Tony was legendary for his sexual exploits – rumor has it he’d been gradually working his way through the entire cast of Gossip Girl. But recently, he had been spending all day in his basement workshop, leaving Samantha no chance to get her hands on his, um, lug nuts. He may have been the CEO of Stark Enterprises, but he wasn’t boldly going where no man had gone before.
“Miranda wasn’t doing much better. Her boyfriend – let’s call him Bruce too – was a scientist, even more of an overeducated wolkaholic than her. But whenever she tried to ignite his Bunsen burner, he’d say it was a bad idea to get him excited, leaving her in an incredible sulk. She even shelled out for an appointment with the legendary Love Guru, but not only didn’t he help, they found him unbearably annoying. It wasn’t exactly a Banner summer for her sex life.
“The one person who seemed satisfied was Charlotte. She was dating some mystery man, and none of us had ever seen her so relaxed. But she wouldn’t tell us a thing about him.
“I had to wonder… do ALL men have secret identities?”
Movies introduced in this chapter: Sex and the City, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Love Guru
Professor Mutt Jones is pushing 70. It’s been half a century since his dad introduced him to the exciting world of Archeology, but he’s now facing mandatory retirement from Columbia University. On his nightly walk through the museum, he catches a sexy, sexy woman trying to steal a gilded horn he found many years ago. Jones tries to fight her off, but she has almost super-human athletic abilities. Suddenly, a terrifying creature bursts through the window. He appears to be a demon in an oversize trenchcoat, and to Jones’ surprise, he helps the old man fight off the sexy woman with huge lips. She flees.
Jones turns to the demon and demands to know who he is. “According to the U.S. Government, he doesn’t exist,” says a man stepping out of the shadows. “My name is Fox Mulder. And I’m head of the Bureau of Paranormal Research & Defense.”
Mulder informs Professor Jones that the item the sexy woman took was Queen Susan’s Horn, an artifact from the parallel dimension of Narnia. Whoever possesses it can command a powerful army of mythical beings. They have to find out who took it… and why.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Indiana Jones, Wanted, Hellboy, The X-Files, Prince Caspian
Mulder arrives at the headquarters of the United Nations, where a major conference on “Inventions that Will Change the World” is about to begin. He finds the head of security, Maxwell Smart. Mulder tells him that an extremely dangerous item may be in the hands of terrorists, and the conference should be postponed. Smart sneers contemptuously to his number two guy, The Zohan, and sends Mulder away.
Carrie and her friends arrive at the U.N., decked out in Manolo and Dior. Three of their boyfriends will be presenting inventions – Charlotte’s just there to be supportive. She can’t stop giggling for some reason. They find their seats in the gallery just in time to hear opening remarks by superstar Tugg Speedman.
The presentations begin. Tony Stark unveils his invention: an artificially-intelligent waste disposal robot called Wall-e. Wild applause. Bruce Wayne demonstrates an amazing new cutting tool, the lightsabre. Resounding cheers. Banner then presents his innovation: 3-D glasses. He proposes that they will somehow allow men to journey deeper underground than ever before. The crowd seems skeptical. Miranda shakes her head.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Get Smart, You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, Tropic Thunder, Wall-e, Star Wars: Clone Wars, Journey to the Center of the Earth
The presentations are interrupted by the U.N. Secretary General, Kitt Kittridge. She reveals she had an ulterior motive in organizing the conference. 35 years ago, she had a one night stand with the superhero John Hancock. She knew a baby out of wedlock would destroy her political career, so she gave it up for adoption. Now she’s desperate to find her son… and she believes it’s either Stark, Wayne, or Banner, since they’ve clearly got superheroism in their blood. The crowd gasps as she reveals their secret identities.
Just then, the U.N. is attacked by an army of Narnians. Stark and Wayne suit up, and try to help Maxwell Smart and Zohan hold them off.
Meanwhile, Banner sneaks the four girls out the back. He has a vague plan for beating the Narnians. In the most recent issue of Science, there was a paper on how certain plants secrete a chemical that causes mythological beings to commit suicide. It’s called “The Happening Effect.” He might be able to make the Narnians kills themselves, but to do it, he needs a very specific type of plant: cannibis. Like, a lot of it.
Charlotte reluctantly admits her new boyfriend is a pot dealer named Saul Silver, who looks kind of like James Franco. The girls surpress their shock and agree they need to get out to his apartment in Brooklyn, fast. Luckily, Samantha has the keys to Tony’s car, the Mach Five. As they peal away, the girls see Banner transform into the Hulk. Miranda is incredibly turned on.
“Hulk SMASH puny Narnians!” he says.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Kitt Kitridge, Hancock, Mama Mia, The Happening, The Pineapple Express, Speed Racer
The girls arrive in Brooklyn and race to Saul’s apartment. A gun-toting incredibly-sexy assassin is already there waiting for them, holding Charlotte’s boyfriend at gunpoint. The assassin explains that Stark, Wayne, and Banner have to die, because a loom says so. No one quite understands what she’s talking about. Samantha turns on her substantial feminine charm and seduces the assassin. As the two women make out in front of a delighted Saul, the others pack the Mach Five with pot and race back to Manhattan.
The Narnians breach the U.N. The humans are cornered, and things look hopeless. Suddenly, Mulder and Professor Jones arrive, leading an army of Chinese mummies. The mummies fling themselves at the Narnians as the humans try to stay out of the way. Professor Jones introduces himself to Batman, Iron Man, and the Hulk. They ask about the mummies – Jones explains that a colleague, Professor O’Connell, loaned him some artifacts.
The girls rush into the building, lugging massive bales of pot. The Narnians get one whiff and promptly kill themselves.
But the danger isn’t over. Lucius Fox, who everyone thought was merely the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, turns out to be the leader of the assassins. And in a further twist, he turns out to be merely a robotic suit inhabited by miniature Lucius Foxes from space. In order to guarantee the completion of the mission, the aliens rig the Lucius Fox suit to explode in one minute, destroying the entire building in a nuclear fireball.
There is no time to evacuate everyone, but Jones has an idea. He leads everyone to the building’s kitchen, and has them all hide inside the walk-in refrigerator.
“Idiot,” says Batman. “This fridge will never survive a nuclear explosion!”
“Oh yeah?” says Jones.
Seconds later, the U.N. is completely leveled… except for the fridge. Everyone walks out unharmed.
Miranda turns to Banner. “There’s just one thing I have to know. How come your pants didn’t rip off when you transformed?”
“They’re Traveling Pants,” he explains. “They magically fit whoever wears them, no matter what size he is.”
Movies introduced in this chapter: The Mummy, Meet Dave, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
Agent Mulder offers Professor Jones a new job – consultant for the Bureau of Paranormal Research & Defense.
DNA testing reveals that Kitt Kitridge’s son is actually Maxwell Smart (apparently Hancock’s superhero gene is recessive). He comes home with her to meet his new step-brothers, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.
Stark, Wayne, and Banner reward their girlfriends with a weekend of sex in the city.
As for Charlotte and her pot-dealer boyfriend, they get high, snuggle on the couch, and watch Kung Fu Panda.
Movies introduced in this chapter: Step Brothers, Kung Fu Panda