Good morning. It’s-a me, Mario.
It’s wonderful to see so many old friends here. I feel like I’m back in Super Smash Brothers. But of course, the circumstances today are very un-super. We mourn a man many of us thought of as a father.
Pac-Man, you will be missed.
My condolences to Mrs.… I mean Ms. Pac-Man. You may have never been officially married, but his request to be buried with one of your bows speaks volumes.
Someone please stop Donkey Kong from eating that plant.
His death leaves us with questions. Why would someone so beloved take his own life? Why couldn’t he come to any of us for help? And how did someone without any hands wield a shotgun? I can’t answer any of these, but I do know that he was a man who ran from ghosts. I’m fortunate—when I face a ghost, it stops moving. But that didn’t work for Pac.
His life was never easy – there was no cheat code for him. Sometimes, he’d find the strength to chase his ghosts away, but those times always seemed too short. And every way out of his maze somehow led right back in. What’s that, Link? Yes, like the Lost Woods. Please stop playing with your boomerang indoors, young man.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that a Pac-Man is never done eating. He doesn’t collect special items, or unlock secret abilities, or fight a boss. He’s got to eat, or he’s finished. He’s all alone out there with his hunger and all the dots the good Lord ever made. But maybe one day he wakes up, and he just isn’t hungry anymore. But the dots are still there, as constant as the stars in the winter sky.
Attention must be paid! Also, quarters.
I hope you’ll join me at the wake—the right paddle from Pong has prepared Pac-Man’s favorite dish, fruit salad.