Our Kimmy is in trouble, okay? Kimmy Schmidt, they’re telling me, they’re telling me it’s a miracle, they’re telling me they’re alive, dammit. And I don’t know about that.

We’re getting killed, okay? We can’t beat ISIS. You look out there, and you see Kimmy Schmidt, and she’s, it’s terrible. The apartment is terrible. Her life is sad. Pathetic. People will tell you, I build the best apartments. I build better apartments than that, ten times better. And Kimmy Schmidt is trying to make it work in the big city, and she’s got these friends, and I make the best deals in the city, I make it work in the city. and I have the best friends.

I met Mary Tyler Moore, God Bless her, and she told me, “You, you’re unbreakable.” She said that, I wouldn’t lie. And I am.

You don’t tell me that “females are strong as Hell,” okay? We are getting killed, and it’s terrible. I make the best females. Just look. Here they are. Stand up. Lovely. Beautiful.

And you don’t tell me about Pinot Noir. We are getting killed here, by the Pinot Noir. I know how it works, I have had the most Pinot Noir, I have had the best Pinot Noir. Nobody has had more Pinot Noir in more cities around the world than I have. If I didn’t have to make another appearance later tonight, I’d sneak away for some Pinot Noir myself. And some Caviar. In a full-size car.

It’s broken, and Kimmy Schmidt, you know she’s broken, but we’re going to fix it.

We’re going to build a wall.

And all that stuff, everything, all the trouble, and you’re watching Kimmy Schmidt, and she’s saying, “I don’t need you. I can do this on my own.” Loser.

Maybe it’s because I’m not politically correct, but I don’t buy it. And I make the best deals.

We are making Kimmy Schmidt Great Again. We are building a wall, we are building a bomb shelter and we are building a wall and we are putting Kimmy Schmidt in the bomb shelter behind the wall. We are making Kimmy Schmidt Great Again, we are making Kimmy Schmidt Great Again, we are building a wall, and we are making Kimmy Schmidt pay for it.

Dammit.