What if "The Wrestler" were a wrestler?

What if “The Wrestler” were a wrestler?

“The Wrestler” didn’t get nominated–and somebody’s getting hit by a folding chair!

A challenger appears!

It is GREAT to be here at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences! (pause for cheers) My momma always told me, “The Wrestler, when you grow up, you gotta go to that Academy, because them’s good people there, and all good people love watchin’ a good ass-whoopin.”
Yeah! Woo-hah!
But I tell ya, somethin’ ain’t right. And you know I love you all and I love this Academy, but when somethin’ ain’t right, a character-driven slice-of-life drama like me got half a mind to make it right! (pause for cheers) In the squared circle! (briefly lower mike, look left and right, pause for longer cheers)

Now, The Wrestler here is up for two Academy Awards. And you know The Wrestler fought for ‘em, and that he’s plenty grateful.

Mickey Rourke is a guy who works his ass off day in and day out, and he’s gonna win that match.

And you know Marissa Tomei’s got the “assets” to win (pause for cheers). That is one “talented” and “accomplished” actress, who “built a textured and compelling interpretation of her character” — and you know she’s got a great rack . . . where she can put that Oscar. Right next to the other one she got for My Cousin Vinnie. That’d be a chick with a pretty nice pair a’ shiny statues, if you know what The Wrestler’s saying. (pause for cheers)

The wrestler in the ring

Ha! Yeah! Woo-hah!

(pause as the voting membership of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences yells “Woo-hah!”)

Everybody knows that The Wrestler’s the champ. The people want to see The Wrestler do his thing, which is to go up against other late-release prestige pictures IN THE STEEL CAGE!

(roaring cheers!)

But this year, they’re telling The Wrestler he doesn’t get to be in a match. That The Wrestler isn’t nominated for Best Picture. That there’s a fatal five-way .. . .for the title . . . going down . . . next Sunday. . . at The 81st Annual Academy Awards . . .

And you’re saying The Wrestler doesn’t get to wrestle?

(chorus of boos)

And you know what The Wrestler thinks about that?

(voting membership of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences chants “BULL-shit! BULL-shit!”)

That’s right.

That’s why The Wrestler is calling you out. Each of you. I’m talking about a six-way, Hell in a Cell, Samuel Goldwyn Theater Tables, Ladders and Chairs match, right before the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, on the stage, one fall, no submissions, so that everybody in the United States of America can see who’s the Academy Award Winning Best Picture of 2008, and who’s the BITCH.

We ain’t getting played off by the orchestra, either. It’s on, ‘till it’s done, brothers. And the only acceptance speech any of you’ll be giving is braying like a rented mule when The Wrestler gives you the old “Cut and Print” right to the back of your heads!

Yeah! Woo-hah!


Shhh. If you listen closely, you can hear all those jabroni critics shaking in their art houses.

Benjamin Button, you say you’re a tear-jerker? This tale of fatherly estrangement right here gonna jerk the tears right out of your face! If Milk knows what does a body good, it’ll stay the Hell out of Dodge. Hey, The Reader, go ahead and read my lips: you suck! (cheers) And Frost/Nixon better resign, or else I’m gonna impeach it… with the big Ram Jam from the top rope!

The Wrestler jumps off the top rope at SummerSlam 2006

The Wrestler jumps off the top rope at SummerSlam 2006

And I’ve got some special words for you, Slumdog Millionaire. I hear a lot of people talking about how you’re some kind of feel-good Cinderella story. Well, Slumdog, let me ask you this: You still gonna to do that cute end credits dance with that glass slipper turned sideways and shoved up your ass?

Slumdog, when the Best Picture asks you something, Answer him.

Would you like to phone a friend?

Ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, mark my words: this is the year of The Wrestler. On February 22, I will litter the stage with the broken bodies. Best Sound Editing? The Wrestler. Best Animated Feature? The Wrestler. I’m gonna have more little gold men than Willy Wonka.

The only thing all those other movies are going home with is a velvet schwag bag from Prada — full of their own teeth.

Ha! Yeah! Woo-hah!

(special thanks to my tag-team partner Belinkie for the idea on this one)

7 Comments on “What if “The Wrestler” were a wrestler?”

  1. Matthew Belinkie OTI Staff #

    Have you ever seen a 24-inch python, poundin’ away at your knee? If you’ve ever seen that massive python, then you’ve seen me.


  2. fenzel #


    That unfortunately sounds like it’s got a lot of unintended subtext.


  3. Matthew Belinkie OTI Staff #

    Wow, you’re right. Sorry. But you get the gist.

    By the way, I’m still pissed that song got snubbed. That’s a beautiful song I’ve listened to way too many times in the past month.


  4. Gab #

    Belinkie- I don’t think *shortening and smashing together* the three songs nominated does the Academy any good for its appearance, either- first they cut down the number for the sake of broadcast time, and then they cut the songs themselves? And it was particularly ill-conceived for two songs from the same movie that sound pretty similar to get nominated when a song from a completely different film was snuffed- and a *good* song, at that. At least Peter Gabriel is refusing to sing out of protest, although this means any chances of a life-sized Wall-E making an appearance during a song number are gone. Maybe he’ll be a presenter.


  5. Matthew Belinkie OTI Staff #

    @Gab – I actually disagree with Gabriel’s little protest. They offer him a chance to sing at the OSCARS, and he refuses because they only gave him 65 seconds. It seems very primadonnaish to me. How about just being honored that they nominated him for the best song of the year and grateful they gave him a chance to sing in front of hundreds of millions of people around the world?


  6. fenzel #

    I would fully expect a CGI Wall-E to show up at some point superimposed over live footage, like Beavis and Butthead with Letterman back in the day.


  7. Gab #

    @Belinkie- I see your point, and I think you’re making me doubt my own a bit with it. I was thinking of Gabriel’s reaction as an overall response to how they have been treating the song nominations in general this year (see my first comment). Sort of like it was the last straw, the last ridiculous thing the Academy did that set him off. I know he discusses the song specifically in his letter, but I felt like it was sort of an excuse to get out for him because he was fed up. But now that you bring it up, I guess it does seem kind of snooty.

    @Fenzel- Well, I think they’ve had other Pixar and Dreamworks characters (Buzz and Woody, Shrek and Donkey, Sulley and Mike), so yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest of Wall-E does make an appearance of some sort. Although now that I think about it more, every example I can come up with involves multiple characters… Would they have Wall-E and Eve together?


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