Is it possible to tell a single story that incorporates every major movie that came out this summer? Let’s find out.

PROLOGUE

A stylish woman sits in a coffee shop, typing on her laptop. We hear a familiar voiceover:

“Sometimes, it seems like every man is an action hero… until the clothes come off.

“Take my new squeeze - let’s call him Bruce. Billionaire. Playboy. Sure, he lives in Gotham, and I’m not a huge fan of long distance relationships… but a private jet has a way of bringing people together. However, there was one place Bruce had never taken me in two months of dating: the bedroom. As soon as night fell, he would suddenly say he had a lot of work to do and send me home. If he tries that one more time, I’m sleeping with the butler.

“Samantha was having her own problems. Tony was legendary for his sexual exploits - rumor has it he’d been gradually working his way through the entire cast of Gossip Girl. But recently, he had been spending all day in his basement workshop, leaving Samantha no chance to get her hands on his, um, lug nuts. He may have been the CEO of Stark Enterprises, but he wasn’t boldly going where no man had gone before.

“Miranda wasn’t doing much better. Her boyfriend - let’s call him Bruce too - was a scientist, even more of an overeducated wolkaholic than her. But whenever she tried to ignite his Bunsen burner, he’d say it was a bad idea to get him excited, leaving her in an incredible sulk. She even shelled out for an appointment with the legendary Love Guru, but not only didn’t he help, they found him unbearably annoying. It wasn’t exactly a Banner summer for her sex life.

“The one person who seemed satisfied was Charlotte. She was dating some mystery man, and none of us had ever seen her so relaxed. But she wouldn’t tell us a thing about him.

“I had to wonder… do ALL men have secret identities?”

Movies introduced in this chapter: Sex and the City, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Love Guru

Madonna turns 50 today. Enjoy Like a Prayer.

Madonna is the paragon a kind of pop music that I enjoy (only semi-ironically) far more, I imagine, than my fellow writers on the blog. But despite the many (younger and younger*) girls who have come after with aspirations to the crown, I think nobody has, like, a prayer of coming close. Why? My thoughts after the jump.

I’m currently trying to come up with a plot that ties in every single summer movie this year. It’s tricky - there are a LOT of summer movies.

While I’m cooking that up, here’s a similar mashup from last summer. I’m actually pretty proud of this. Maybe prouder than I should be.

CHAPTER 1

It’s Bart Simpson’s eleventh birthday, and the family is driving to New York so he can tour the offices of Mad Magazine. Along the way, the car has been followed by owls trying to drop envelopes in the windows.

On the Brooklyn Bridge, they’re attacked by witches on broomsticks. The Simpsons don’t know it, but this is a group of Death Eaters, led by Bellatrix Lestrange. Spider-man swings in to help, trapping Lestrange in a web, but he’s outnumbered and soon overpowered. Just when it seems that he and the Simpsons are doomed, a gigantic boat rises out of the Hudson River. It’s the legendary Flying Dutchman, and it fires magical cannonballs that chase the witches away. The Simpsons are taken aboard the ship, and its captain introduces himself as Jack Sparrow, Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.

Aboard the Dutchman, now safely underwater, Sparrow answers some questions. He explains that he’s hundreds of years old, immortal thanks to the Fountain of Youth. Apparently, a new prophesy says that in the final battle between Voldemort and Harry Potter, the winner will be decided by a first year wizard with yellow skin and spiky hair. Sparrow was sent by Dumbledore to escort Bart and his family safely to the school, before Voldemort could kill him. “I’m afraid you’ll all be living at Hogwarts for a while. Savvy?”

“Mmm,” says Homer. “Hog.”

Movies introduced in this chapter: The Simpsons, Harry Potter, Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean