Okay, so we know that The Simpsons has hit the big time language-wise, what with words like “meh,” “yoink,” and “d’oh” entering the dictionary and sayings like “I, for one, welcome our insect overlords” and “worst episode ever” entering the popular lexicon. These words and phrases still have power, and they’re still funny—after all, if they weren’t, the memes wouldn’t continue living on in blog posts, YouTube videos, and YTMND… things.
But I think we’re due for some new* Simpsons-related bon mots, don’t you? So I’ve scoured Simpsons episodes and episode guides for the top ten useful words and sayings that need to find their way back into our lives.
*And by “new,” of course, I mean old: all of these words and saying come from The Simpsons’ first through eighth seasons—you know, the good ones.
#10: “We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want any more bears!”
From episode 3F20: Much Apu About Nothing
Context: After a bear wanders into town, Homer stages a protest.
To be used when: Protesting for gay rights; protesting bears; protesting anything, really
Example: You go to a rally to support gay marriage and you notice there are too many burly, bearded men in the vicinity.
Chosen because: As we learned from Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A., there’s nothing higher on our communal threat lists than bears. Especially if you’re gay. I guess.
#9: “Good ol’ rock. Nothin’ beats that!”
From episode 9F16: The Front
Context: Bart and Lisa play rock, paper, scissors. Lisa knows that predictable Bart always chooses rock, and, naturally, he does so again.
Used in order to: Mock people who keep returning to the same old bags of tricks, especially when those tricks never work.
Example: The coach of your favorite college team has decided to run the ball straight up the middle AGAIN. Rolling your eyes, you say, “Good ol’ rock. Nothin’ beats that!”
Chosen because: Although most of us, like Bart, think we are brilliant tacticians, this is simply not the case. Now we have a go-to Simpsons quote available to us so we can mock others for the faults we ourselves have.
#8: “Johnny Deformed”
From episode 9F18: Whacking Day
Context: Marge tells Bart that the eponymous Johnny Tremain is deformed while silversmithing. He notes that perhaps more children would have chosen to read said book had it been titled “Johnny Deformed,” instead.
Part of speech: Title; proper noun
Definition: The correct name for the classic book “Johnny Tremain”
Example: “The best part of ‘Johnny Deformed’ was when he got deformed.”
Chosen because: I am an English teacher. Hey, we have to have some reason to laugh.
#7: “Like something out of Dickens or Melrose Place.”
From episode 3F06: Mother Simpson
Context: Used by Lisa to describe Homer’s discovery of his long lost mother
Used to describe: Something that seems impossibly dramatic
Example: “Morgan Freeman is trying to marry his daughter’s adopted child?! That’s like something out of Dickens or Melrose Place!”
Chosen because: The vortex that forms where high (Dickens) and low (Melrose Place) culture meet is where OverthinkingIt.com’s server is located.
Something out of the Simpsons or Melrose Place.
#6: “Chock full of heady goodness!”
From episode 1F01: Rosebud
Context: When Bart finds the head of Mr. Burns’s beloved stuffed bear in a bag of ice, Apu congratulates Bart for finding a “headbag” and then says this line.
To be used when: You see something with an interesting head on it. You can also replace “heady” with another adjective. For instance, if someone criticized your apartment for having cockroaches in it, you could say they’re “chock full of roachy goodness.”
Example: The next time you see a movie that has a severed head (or head-on-a-pike) in it, say this line to your friends for comedic effect. For best results, shout in the middle of a crowded movie theatre during a weighty historical flick about the French Revolution or the Holocaust.
Chosen because: The line is funny enough on its own but becomes several magnitudes funnier when said in a moderately racist Indian accent.
#5: “Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?!”
From episode 9F15: Last Exit to Springfield
Context: Said after a young patient lies to the dentist about brushing.
To be used when: Someone tells a lie. Feel free to replace “office” with other words and phrases, including “comment section,” “Gossip Girl viewing party,” or “vagina.”
Example: “Of course I don’t know all the words to the ‘Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?’ song. I’m not a nerd.” “Oh, why must you turn this overpriced tapas restaurant into a house of lies?!”
Chosen because: In this fan favorite episode, this is one of the only lines that HASN’T become a meme. Also: Dennal plan! Lisa needs braces! Dennal plan…
#4: “Condition upgraded to ‘alive.’”
From episode 2F20: Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two
Context: Mr. Burns is declared dead until he is brought to a better hospital, where his status is changed.
To be used when: The Internet (or “respectable news outlet”) mistakenly reports a celebrity’s death.
Example: “TMZ declared Michael Jackson dead, until more respectable news outlets upgraded his condition to ‘alive.’ Five minutes later his condition was downgraded back to ‘dead.’”
To be used: The next time someone mistakenly tells you that Gary Busey choked to death on his own crazy.
#3: “Well, that’s leprosy for you.”
From episode 3F10: Team Homer
Context: Said by Mr. Burns after he loses a nail.
Used to describe: Why something physically bad happened to someone.
Example: “Ugh, Lindsay Lohan looks like a dead alien in that picture!” “Well, that’s leprosy for you.”
To be used when: Someone starts coughing uncontrollably, when your skin is peeling off after a sunburn, when your husband can’t get an erection, etc., etc., etc…
Well, that's leprosy for you.
#2: “…or choke their rivers with our dead!”
From episode 2F22: Lemon of Troy
Context: After Shelbyville steals Springfield’s prize lemon tree, ten-year-old Bart says that he and his friends will get it back or choke their rivers with their dead.
To be used: After describing your first plan of action. For extra punch, teach your children to say it at their soccer games.
Example: “We’ll beat those bastards in Ultimate Frisbee or choke their rivers with our dead!”
Chosen because: I’m fond of hyperbole. In fact, I love it so much my heart bleeds for it. Bleeds, I say! Bleeds!!!!!
#1: “Bonerland”
From episode 8F02: Treehouse of Horror II
Context: In “The Bart Zone,” the second segment of this Halloween special, Bart gains omnipotent powers. Besides making Homer into a sentient Jack-in-the-Box, America’s bad boy (in 1991, anyway) dubs the U.S. “Bonerland,” which was discovered in 1942 by “some guy.”
Part of speech: Proper noun
Definition: The United States of America, especially when it has done something that justifies the name
Example: “Welp, looks like Bonerland has gone and invaded Iran…”
Chosen because: It has the word “boner” in it. Heh. Boner.
And that’s that! Now, sound off in the comments, people! Which of your favorite obscure Simpsons quotes should become so overused we forget why they were funny in the first place?
