Barack Obama.
We’ve seen him as a young co-ed. We’ve seen him without his shirt on. And, as of yesterday, we’ve seen him as the President of the United States of America.
But the same question is on everyone’s lips: where does Obama rank on a list of hot U.S. presidents?
Don’t worry. I have the answer.
Last year during Presidents’ Week, I started the tradition of ranking presidents and their first ladies in order of hotness. Before I reveal the top and bottom five of my list of hot presidents, let me first talk about my methodology. I wouldn’t want you–or, indeed, these lovely presidents–to think I’m not academically rigorous.
My rules:
- Judging is based off the hottest picture I can easily find of each president.
- The judge should make all attempts to be objective when measuring hotness, but will also be aware that complete objectivity is impossible.
- The judge will make all attempts not to be “time-ist.” In other words, just because almost everyone in the 50’s and 60’s had awful crewcuts and wore disgusting glasses does not mean all politicians from that era are necessarily unattractive. Conversely, just because a president from the late 1800s sports hot sideburns, it does not necessarily make him hot as a whole.
Presidents were rated based on the following scale, from most to least hot: Hot; Hot?; Okay; Ehh; and Not.
A final disclaimer: Yes, this post is written by the same person who wrote that article about feminism and how we should never judge female TV and film characters primarily by their appearances.
And now, the list…
THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST U.S. PRESIDENTS, 2009 EDITION
5. George W. Bush: This one hurts a lot, but I said I’d be objective. Okay, NOW I can’t bear to look at him. But take a gander at young Dubya. Ignore your seething hatred, your numb disappointment, your aching despair. Focus only on the smile of this young man who has yet to commit any war-crimes. And admit it. He’s cute. You could see him guest starring in an episode of Happy Days as the new rascally boy next door, or in M*A*S*H as a soldier saying, “Doc, when will I be healthy enough to go back to the front?” On second thought, don’t let him say anything. It’ll ruin the illusion.
4. Barack Obama: Yes, our new pres cracked the top five. Whether his hair is big or small, and whether he’s wearing a suit or some 1980’s parka, Obama knows how to look good. Like JFK, Obama was able to leverage his smokin’ good looks to score himself a smokin’ hot wife. I just wish Obama would smile more. To me, his smile is infectious. His “looking off into the distance with a mixture of hope and determination” expression just doesn’t do it for me.
3. William Henry Harrison: Maybe it’s cause I find something romantic about dying thirty days after you enter office. Maybe it’s cause I like the “Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights” thing he has going on. Maybe it’s the hot embroidered clothes and the cravat. But I think William Henry Harrison’s a hottie, despite his large-ish nose. Tippecanoe and Tyler, too? How about Tippecanoe and Mlawski too? Rawr.
2. Ronald Reagan: It’s hard for me to write this one, too, because 1) old Ronald Reagan was not pretty, and 2) I happen to dislike Ronald Reagan from a political perspective. But none of us should be shocked that he’s at the top of the list. After all, he literally was in the pictures. And look! He’s a dead ringer for Clint Eastwood! No wonder both of them became hot cowboys. What are the odds?
And now, the hottest preisdent of all time…
1. John F. Kennedy: Yeah, easy one, I know. And I happen to think our collective opinions of how hot JFK is have been skewed upward by the knowledge that he banged some of the hottest dames of the 50s and 60s (including his wife). Nevertheless, you gotta admit, he coulda been in the pictures. And look! He’s a dead ringer for Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now. And both of them became president! What are the odds?
Just missed the cutoff: Bill Clinton (for whatever reason, he looked too fratboy for me today); Thomas Jefferson.
THE FIVE LEAST ATTRACTIVE U.S. PRESIDENTS, 2009 EDITION‘
4. John Adams: Hollywood thought John Adams was so ugly they got their one “ugly” actor (the not-actually-that-ugly Paul Giamatti) to play him in the miniseries. I have lots of love for the guy, myself; righteous anger is sexy, in its way. Unfortunately for our pissiest of Founding Fathers, Adams wasn’t remembered as our best president– or our hottest. As you can see, his face was a bit too round for his own good, and those bouts of rage gave him a not particularly attractive flush.
3. James Madison: Poor James Madison. Despite being maybe the most important Founding Father, no one gives him any cred. And why not? Well, he was short, he was intense, and he seemingly had a double chin despite being a thin man. Maybe that had something to do with it. Regardless, I salute you, Father of the Constitution. I just won’t date you.
2. Warren G. Harding: Yes, this was the most attractive picture I could find of Mr. Teapot Dome. To me, he looks like Sam the Eagle. The big bushy eyebrows that don’t match his hair, the hawkish nose… Yep, Sam the Eagle. But with wrinkles.
1. William McKinley: I learned something today. I learned that, as a young man, William McKinley had creepy eyes. Luckily, as he grew older, he grew out of it. Unluckily, he grew into this:
Just missed the cutoff: Herbert Hoover, Martin Van Buren, Millard Fillmore, James Buchanan
BONUS FEATURE: PRESIDENTS WHO REMIND ME OF OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE
John Tyler = Grand Moff Tarkin
Young Chester A. Arthur = A member of the Fleet Foxes
Gerald Ford as a Boy Scout = Gary Busey
So, which president would you do?