Lordi, 2006 Eurovision champions from Finland.
I’m actually amazed that Americans don’t know about Eurovision, because it’s not exactly under the radar. According to Wikipedia, it’s “one of the most-watched non-sporting events in the world, with audience figures having been quoted in recent years as anything between 100 million and 600 million internationally.” It’s also been broadcast “to such places as Australia, Brazil, Canada, Chile, China, Egypt, India, Japan, Jordan, Mexico, New Zealand, the Philippines, South Korea, Taiwan, Thailand and Uruguay despite the fact that they do not compete.” Notice any country missing?
Okay, so what is Eurovision? Basically, it’s a live singing contest in which every European nation gets to send one act, and everybody votes on the winner (but to make things interesting, you can’t vote for your own country). More accurately, every member of the European Broadcasting Union gets to send one act, which includes countries like Monaco and Russia which aren’t technically European. This has been going on since 1956, and it’s hard to overstate how big a deal Eurovision is. For instance, Sweden selects its entry with a nationally television competition called Melodifestivalen. In 2007, the finals had 4 million viewers… and the total population of the country was 9 million. That’s just the show to select the Eurovision song. So to put that in perspective, imagine that American Idol had five times as many viewers as it does now, and then the winner went on to compete against the winner of every other nation’s singing contest.
This group won in 2007. And they weren't being ironic or anything.
So you can see how I’m surprised that even with the entries splashed all over YouTube, the competition is still virtually unheard of in the States. If nothing else, Americans enjoy feeling superior to Europeans, and the ridiculous Eurovision pop music provides ample opportunity. And make no mistake: this pop music is goddamned ridiculous. The rules specify that the songs can’t have been performed publicly before the previous October, meaning that these are new songs, in many cases written specifically for the contest. It’s a songwriting contest as much as a singing contest.
Eurovision was created in the hopes of bringing the continent together for something other than killing each other. And indeed, the fact that a country’s citizens can’t vote for its own entry means that everyone is trying to win over everyone else. The winners need to find something that resonates from Ireland to Azerbaijan, which largely means some flavor of cheese. The most successful group ever to emerge from Eurovision was a little band called Abba, and that should tell you something.
I think to understand what Eurovision glory looks like, you just need to watch “Believe,” the 2008 winner from Russia, sung by Dima Bilan:
Right off the bat, you’ll notice he’s not speaking Russian. Since they’re courting the voters of all European countries, most competitors choose to sing in English. And perhaps because the songwriters don’t really know what they’re saying, Eurovision lyrics often sound like the journal of a angst-ridden middle school girl. In this case:
Even when the thunder and storm begins
I’ll be standing stong like a tree in the wind
Nothing is gonna move this mountain or change my direction
I’m falling off the sky and I’m all alone
The courage that’s inside is gonna break my fall
Nothing is gonna dim my light within
He's like Colin Farrell, but with smaller eyebrows.
Okay, fresh-faced tenor, check. Silly lyrics, check. But a successful Eurovision performance really requires some crowd-pleasing stagecraft too. At 35 seconds, you have a man appear with a violin, playing in the exaggerated way you play if you’re in a production of Fiddler On the Roof. This is not just any violin. This is a Stradivarius, and I’m sure a lot of the viewers knew it: Eurovision is covered extensively in the press for months leading up to the competition.
But that’s just the beginning. At 2:00 Dima launches into the second chorus, and an actual figure skater begins to perform right there on stage. This is not just any figure skater. This is Olympic gold medalist and three-time world champion Evgeni Plushenko. Is it a good idea to play a Stradivarius on a sheet of ice, as a figure skater toe loops around you? No it’s not. But you have to admit, it’s something you don’t see everyday.
Then at 2:55, Dima puts the icing on the cake, with a gratuitous high note coupled with an even more gratuitous shirt ripping-open. (I should mention here that Eurovision is very, very popular in the gay community.) There was no beating that song. After his victory, Dima received a congratulatory call from Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev.
Okay, on to 2011. This year’s competition is being held in Dusseldorf, because Germany won last year. There are 43 countries competing. Half will go in a semi-final on Tuesday night, of which 10 will be selected for the finals. The other half will compete Thursday night. Five countries (France, Italy, United Kingdom, Germany, and Spain) will go directly to Saturday’s finals, because they’re the largest financial contributors to the European Broadcasting Union, for 25 countries total.
Got it? Okay, we’re ready to take a look at the songs competing in semi-final #1, which you can watch live tomorrow afternoon at 3 pm EST.
Albania
Aurela Gaçe, “Feel The Passion”
(By the way, get used to this Handelesque orchestral fanfare — you’ll hear it a bunch if you stick with me.)
If this were a music video competition taking place in the 1980s, Albania would win. At 1:15, there’s a whole series of Aurelas hovering in mid-air, taking turns singing the terrible lyrics. And at 1:33, there’s this awesome animatronic eagle puppet. I’m pretty sure the singer is supposed to be turning into an eagle, or flying alongside an eagle, or something. But she’s also underwater at one point, so go figure. In any case, this song is pretty lame, so unless Aurela turns into an eagle live onstage, she’s not going to win.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
And when I feel that I thirst for you
I’ll dab my lips with your morning dew
But wherever I go
I just want you to know
Sweet song live forever
And I’ll live with you
Armenia
Emmy, “Boom Boom”
Here’s the big question: is this song better than the Vengaboys classic “Boom Boom Boom Boom?” The answer is that this song, as the title would suggest, is basically the square root of the Vengaboys song (that is, not nearly as good). In fact, this song is kind of a perfect storm of glorious europop awfulness. It even falls down on the stagecraft: there’s the obnoxious showers of sparks that start at the beginning and never stop, the puffy sleeves, the complete lack of any choreography, and the absence of any backup singers or dancers.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Boom boom, chaka chaka, your kiss is like a, like a
Boom boom, chaka chaka, your love is like a, like a
I wanna say that one thing is true
I’m in love with you
Azerbaijan
Ell & Nikki, “Running Scared”
Our first duo, and one of the favorites according to the bookies (yes, there are Eurovision bookies). They’re called “Ell & Nikki,” but their real names are Eldar Gasimov and Nigar Jamal. The song was written by the same team that composed “Drip Drop,” Azerbaijan’s entry last year, which placed fifth overall. (The year before that, Azerbaijan placed third. As it turns out, they are a perennial Eurovision powerhouse.) This song is definitely going to make the finals, and if Ell & Nikki go for a Mitch & Mickey style kiss at the end, anything could happen.
Incidentally, since Ell is approximately 15, I’m assuming his stubble is glued on.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I’m running, I’m scared tonight
I’m running, I’m scared of life
I’m running, I’m scared of breathing
‘Cause I adore you
Croatia
Daria, “Celebrate”
This song suffers from a strange series of pop cultural associations. First there’s the title, which conjurs up Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration.” Then there’s the opening line: “Friday, my night.” Perhaps Croatia hasn’t heard about Rebecca Black. She’s sort of salted the earth for songs about Friday for at least a generation. Finally, there’s the singer, who I was really hoping was Daria from the old MTV show. But no, not so much.
On the bright side, the video heavily features both bubbles and breakdancers spinning on their heads, two of my favorite things.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Celebrate
Every single step you take
Stop the world for a moment
Shine like a comet
In a musical galaxy
Finland
Paradise Oskar, “Da Da Dam”
Congratulations Finland, you’ve done it. There was a lot of tough competition, but you wrote the very dumbest song of Eurovision 2011. It’s so dumb, I’m going to have to quote most of it here, because it’s too good not to.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Peter is smart, he knows each European country by heart
He likes to sit under an apple tree on his yard
And wait for an apple to fall
When Peter is nine,
His teacher tells him that this planet is dying
That someone needs to put an end to it all
And so when Peter comes home
He tells his mom
I’m going out in the world to save our planet
And I ain’t comin back until she’s saved
I’ll walk my way to see the King and parliament
If they don’t help I’ll do it by myself
Honestly, sometimes there’s so much to make fun of, I just don’t know where to start. But you know what’s the cherry on top of this ice cream sundae of fail? It’s at 1:53, where you can see a sign written in English that reads “The Last Palm Tree.” This is the least subtle piece of environmental propaganda since Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest. Unfortunately, this song does not feature Robin Williams.
So here’s my question: is this a story about a nine-year-old kid running away from home? Isn’t Peter basically telling his mom he’s leaving to become a fulltime environmental lobbyist? Nice job, Peter’s teacher: when Peter is finally dredged out of a lake next year with his teeth knocked out so they can’t identify him, maybe you’ll think twice about screening An Inconvenient Truth in class.
Georgia
Eldrine, “One More Day”
Prepare yourselves for our first attempt at rapping in this year’s Eurovision. These guys are like a cross between Linkin Park and Evanescence. They’re not bad, but I found myself distracted by how the lead singer’s scarf was buttoned into her jacket.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I wanna give in to fire, uncover vicious desire
Abandon painful denial, find pretty reason to stay
One more forbidden sensation, one more emotional flare
Down with the fake hesitation,
Hell yeah, I’m ready to pay, pay for the hopeless despair
Gonna live one more day of my fate
Greece
Loucas Yiorkas Feat. Stereo Mike, “Watch My Dance”
Eurovision competitors are sort of in the same position as Republican presidential candidates: you need to be conservative enough to get the votes of your primary voters, without giving up too much of your universal appeal to get votes in the general election. In other words, a lot of the voters in the Eurovision selections want to see an act with some national character, but those songs aren’t going to win votes from other countries. (See, for example, Belarus’s entry, entitled “I Love Belarus.”)
Greece has a bold tactic. Loucas Yiorkas is a traditional folk singer. Stereo Mike is a rapper who has been living in London since 1996. It should be like when Justin Timberlake and T.I. joined forces. The problem is that these two don’t so much collaborate on the song as alternate on it. Also, both the rapping and singing sort of suck. The backing track sounds like it was produced by a Super Nintendo, which I should like, but I don’t. I do kind of like how the video starts with Loucas standing center stage, waiting patiently, but then Stereo Mike starts rapping while Loucas continues to chill for 30 seconds.
But you know what I’m just baffled by? “Watch My Dance” does not feature any actual dancing.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I was born so betrayed – who am I, what I’ll be?
What is mine in this life? Just the heaven and sea
No, I won’t give them up, they’re my fortune, my proof
Don’t believe what you hear ’cause the truth kills your truth
Hungary
Kati Wolf, “What About My Dreams”
Another favorite with a lot of buzz. It’s nice to know that if something happens to Celine Dion, we have a spare. This is not an idle comparison by the way: Celine won Eurovision in 1988. I kind of like this one. It’s not good good, but it’s karaoke good, which might be good enough. When the backup singers enter at 2:35, I was kind of doing a little dance on the couch. Plus, the lyrics have some serious Girl Power:
SAMPLE LYRIC:
What about my life?
What about my dreams?
What about how I feel?
What about my needs?
But you know why I’m really rooting to Kati? From Wikipedia, I learned that her claim to fame is that at the age of seven, she sang the theme song to the Hungarian children’s film Vuk. And she was just as cute as a button:
Maybe if she wins, the crowd will force her to do that as an encore.
Iceland
Sjonni’s Friends, “Coming Home”
So in January of this year, the Icelandic competition for their Eurovision spot was well underway, when contestant Sjonni Brink died of a tragic heart attack. But Sjonni’s friends decided he would have wanted his song to outlive him, so they became Sjonni’s Friends and ended up winning the trip to Dusseldorf. It’s like when Heath Ledger died, and they finished The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus with Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell. But did anyone see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus? Yeah, I thought so. This might make the Finals because of the heartwarming story, but it’s not gonna win.
I have to say, the song is a little eerie in the context of its composer’s premature death: it’s all about “coming home” to a “peaceful place.” Shudder.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Cause I can’t wait for tomorrow
to say the things I wanna say,
your smile will always lead my way.
I can’t wait, I’m coming home to you.
I just wanna see your face again,
I’m coming home.
Lithuania
Evelina Sašenko, “C’est ma vie”
Sadly for Lithuania, there’s already a Bon Jovi song called “It’s My Life,” and it rocks hard. This is sort of a downtempo ballad, like something a Disney princess would sing as her animal friends looked on. Or maybe I’m just saying that because of the dress.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Great is the sorrow
But just look straight for tomorrow
When sun will shine at your face
Don’t close your eyes
Malta
Glen Vella, “One Life”
Is it just me, or are there lots of Eurovision songs with the word “life” in the title?
I can’t help rooting for the underdog, so I find myself wanting to see Malta in the finals. This tiny island nation has a population of 400,000. The singer has tried to qualify for Eurovision four times before, and this is the first year he’s gone the distance. And he did it with a “be yourself!” anthem for the ages.
Sadly, Times of Malta is reporting that rehearsals aren’t going well, with the CEO of Malta’s public television talking some smack about the Eurovision organizers:
“We are not happy at all with the visuals. We expected much better from the broadcaster’s production team here,” he said. He expressed hope that the demanded adjustments will be delivered.
On the bright side, even in a year that features a transsexual (Israel), Malta may have the gay vote tied up with a rainbow bow.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Life is strange and heavenly a sweet surrender
Love begins within ourselves
Makes up our lives
Hold on to what life brings you
Just be who you are
You can do it too
It’s all up to you
Norway
Stella Mwangi, “Haba Haba”
Okay, here we go! Bring on all the Nordic blonds! Wait, what the hell?
A lot of countries try to encapsulate the whole nation (or at least its stereotypes) in two minutes of pop music. In 2009, Israel sent a Palestinian singer and an Israeli singer, with a duet entitled “There Must Be Another Way” which alternated between Hebrew and Arabic. It was the “Ebony and Ivory” of Eurovision. But Norway is going a different way, with a song about growing up in… Kenya. The chorus and title are in Swahili. But the singer is actually half-Norwegian, and has lived in Norway since she was five. Personally, I love this song. I love that it’s based on something her grandmother actually told her, I love that the people of Norway voted for it, and I love that, according to Wikipedia, the single knocked Bruno Mars’ “Grenade” out of the number one spot on the Norwegian pop chart. Give ’em hell, Stella.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
When as a little girl my grandma told me
That it’s the little things in life that’s gonna make me happy
She said that: Little by little, fills up the measure
Don’t ever give up, keep on moving
Poland
Magdalena Tul, “Jestem”
Judging from the video, this is either the Pussycat Dolls of Poland, or a touring company of Chicago. Not that I’m complaining, either way. By the way, it’s kind of nice to actually see somebody sing in a language they speak.
SAMPLE LYRIC (translated):
I’m your inspiration
The consolation for your tears
(your world is spinning around me)
You’re like my shadow
Whenever I call you
(you appear right next to me)
(You would jump into the fire if I wanted)
Portugal
Homens Da Luta, “Luta é Alegria”
So this one’s a little different, right? I was hoping there was a story behind it, and I was not disappointed. Are you ready for this?
This song overthrew the government of Portugal.
I am not kidding.
You need to read the entire story here. A sample:
Over the next several weeks the song became an anthem of the street protests that engulfed Lisbon. As Prime Minister Jose Socrates attempted to push his austerity package through parliament the protesters sang louder. Lawmakers ultimately rejected the bill, and the Prime Minister resigned on March 23. The media attributed his failure to the demonstrations — and the music that fueled them.
The official rules of Eurovision state that it’s a non-political event, and ban songs with a political message. How this entry slipped through the cracks remains a mystery.
I didn’t believe it either, until I saw this video of Homens Da Luta singing the song at a massive rally:
So wow. But in any case, I don’t see this song getting any votes from outside of Portugal. And since the Portuguese are not allowed to vote for their own entry, they won’t receive any votes at all. But hey, you brought down the government; that’s not too shabby.
SAMPLE LYRIC (translated):
There are plenty who’ll warn you take care
There are plenty who want to shut you up
There are plenty who will leave you resentful
There are plenty who’ll sell you the air itself
Russia
Alexej Vorobjov, “Get You”
You can’t argue with the guy’s pop song pedigree; “Get You” was written by RedOne, the gentlemen behind “Poker Face” and “Bad Romance.” Alexej is looking pretty strong up there, which raises an interesting philosophical question. Controversially, the Russian network Channel One decided to just pick the country’s Eurovision representative by itself, instead of through a voting process. If Alexej does well, is that just going to hasten the nation’s slide away from democracy, and back towards the iron fist of the Politburo? Can we risk it?
Also, I don’t know if it’s on purpose, but this singer seems to have the accent of the guy from “Don’t You Want Me Baby,” as well as the narcissistic message.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
And you look so good
On the floor
Put my mind in a dirty zone
If they watch
let them watch
Not losing you tonight
San Marino
Senit, “Stand By”
I know nothing about San Marino, but judging from the music video, it is a cold place full of castles, in which the ladies wear tinsel in their hair.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Waves of eternity, waves of serenity
As I stare through them all around me just dies
Tonight I will pretend there’s no more time?
Let’s lock our doors and leave this endless world outside
Serbia
Nina, “Caroban”
Either Serbia is going for a retro 70s vibe, or the 70s is just reaching Serbia for the first time. It’s possible; Slobodan Milošević was a bad dude. Anyway, Nina appears to have stolen the set from Laugh-In and the backup singers from The Shirelles. But the song is actually really cool. By “cool,” I don’t mean “a song that people will like and vote for.” I mean, “an interesting song that I’m glad exists.” And it’s a shame this song isn’t in English, because the lyrics turn out to be really sweet.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
And at the same moment I’m a thousand women worth
because, to him, I’m beautiful and strong as a rock
and when he holds me, I know everything is alright
the man is magical
Switzerland
Anna Rossinelli, “In Love For a While”
This is maybe my favorite song of the competition, if only because it combines ukulele, banjo, and upright bass. It’s not epic enough to win, but it’s catchy as hell and cuter than a sack of kittens.
No one tell Jason Mraz about it, okay?
SAMPLE LYRIC:
I love everything about you, I couldn’t do without you
Whenever you’re near me all my days are on the bright side
But when I’m not around you I have to find the way to
Be with you each night and every day
Turkey
Yüksek Sadakat, “Live It Up”
If you have a fever and the only cure is more cowbell, Turkey will deliver. I also quite like the “old stodgy orchestra audience is brought to life by the power of Rock” music video. Sadly, the song isn’t that interesting. It’s got no arc; the chorus is basically the same as the verse. Yüksek Sadakat may have a string section and a beefy lead singer, but they lack the operatic heights of Meatloaf, which is a shame.
Fun fact: the comments for this YouTube video are largely about the Armenian genocide.
SAMPLE LYRIC:
Here’s your favourite song on the radio
shake your head to the beat- it’s rock n roll
if you’re feeling the world has kicked you down
all you need is just to have a little fun
Is anyone still reading? Anyone? Bueller? Well, if you’re still here, than maybe I’ve made a believer out of you. And if you want to help me cover Eurovision, watch the playlist for the remaining acts and let me know your thoughts on any of them in the comment section below. I’ll quote you in my preview for Semi-Final #2, coming on Wednesday morning.
In the meantime, I’m going out in the world to save our planet.