I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to pick my favorite cliches from the 84 comments we received. Most comments had multiple entries. So in total, we got hundreds and hundreds of cliches (approximately half an episode of 24). It took me hours to write this post; the fact that there was absolutely no prize at stake makes it all the more embarrassing.
But in all seriousness, I’m astonished at how clever you all are. There were many fantastic lines that had me giggling on the subway, and I’m sure that if I sat down to do it again I’d pick a completely different set of cliches. So basically, feel free to disregard this post entirely.
Okay, here are my favoritest lines for each cliche:
1. “You forgot one thing.” “What’s that, hotshot?” “Yeah, Hotshots. Don’t worry, I Tivo’d it for you. Part Deux is on next week.” – Sappy404
2. “Leave the gun out of it. This is between you and my fist.” – Alex Taylor
This isn’t the funniest one, but there’s something appealingly plausible about it. I can imagine this actually being used in an action movie. The bad guy has the good guy at gunpoint, no chance of escape. But with this maddeningly cocky bon mot, even the most rational bad guy is going to drop the gun for some good old fashioned wire fu.
3. “In case I accidentally make a joke about your weight after I drink this bottle of Jagermeister, there’s something I want you to know. I’ve always thought you have a great personality.” – Mike from LA
I’m not surprised Mike is from LA – this is a perfect sitcom line. Mike, file this one away for your Simpsons spec.
4. “You’ve never given up on anything in your life! Now stand up and quit this stupid “Who Can Lie Down The Longest” contest!” – Sappy404
There were a lot of entries for this one that involved giving up. This one get the thumbs up because it’s doubly reflexive, riffing on both quitting and standing up. By the way, Sappy404 also wrote the one about Hotshots. Way to go, Sappy404: you are the King of Meta. Go rent Adaptation.
But there’s another #4 I had to single out:
4. “You’ve never given up on anything in your life! Now stand up and win this Murderball game!” – Bob
5. “We have to go back for him!” “Forget him! He’s not fit to eat anymore!” – ShaKha
I love this for two reasons. First, there’s the juxtaposition of the compassion of the first line and the monstrous selfishness of the second line. But it also got me thinking, what makes somebody not fit to eat? Is the guy poisoned? Diseased? Wasted away? If the situation is so dire that you’re eating people, where are you drawing the line between edible people and inedible people? Food for thought (rim shot).
6. “If I play the word DIVERSE with the D on that double-letter score, they will have an easy shot at those two triple-word squares. And I won’t let that happen.” – Ray the Recovering Cynic
This brings back fond memories of Stokes’ old “Board Games That Would Make Great Movies” post. My mother and sister play Scrabble at least as seriously as Jason Statham acts, so I am totally feeling this mashup. “This summer… tile be back.” Eh?
7. “Only a hurricane downing that tree, knocking over the fence and releasing the only tiger ever trained to walk on fire can save us now.” – Hooloovoo
Honorable mention for #7:
7. “Only that guy we left behind can save us now.” – f sewell
Callback to Number Five. Love it.
8. “So it’s true what they say. You are what you eat.” – Wade
As Shana wrote me: “I need to know! Who is this character talking to? A fish man? A genetically-engineered man-chicken? A guy who looks suspiciously like Mr. Peanut?” I’m imagining some sort of horror comedy where slimy creatures crawl down your throat to take over your brain. Oh wait, I saw that one. Recommended, by the way.
9. “In every man’s life, there’s a time to separate moments into dichotomies and a time to acknowledge that life is perhaps too complex for such gross oversimplifications. I feel like going to a nice restaurant and having a bite to eat. Who’s with me?” – Joel
Way to turn the cliche into a stinging rejection of cliche. Got to admit, I have a fondness for the ones that sort of deconstruct the form. Speaking of…
10. “What do we do now?”[dramatic zoom]”We come up with a tagline that suggests endless sequels like “The end begins” or “The end of the world… starts now” or “The apocalypse is only the beginning” or… don’t interrupt me! This is what I get paid for…” – Chris
I actually had a pretty cute one for this: “What do we do now? [dramatic zoom] “We?”
We’re not done quite yet. I have to tip my hat to five clever commenters who submitted full slates of ten cliches with one theme.
Simber made his cliches clever allusions to classic works of theater. If you get all of these with no Googling, you’re a better man than I.
- “You forgot one thing.” “What’s that, hotshot?” “The unities of time, space and action.”
- “Leave Godot out of it. This is between Vladimir and Estragon.”
- “In case the Oracle from Delphi turns out bad, there’s something I want you to know. I’ve always found you a bit young to be my husband.”
- “You’ve never given up on anything in your life! Now stand up and rely on the kindness of strangers!”
- “We have to go back for him!” “Forget him! He’s Bunburying!”
- “If I sit here idling, they will cut down the cherry orchard. And I won’t let that happen.”
- “Only an ill-conceived plan involving coma-inducing poison and letters to Mantua can save us now.”
- “So it’s true what they say. You are an honorouble man.”
- “In every man’s life, there’s a time to be and a time not to be. I feel like soliloquying. Who’s with me?”
- “What do we do now?” [dramatic zoom] “We go to Moscow.”
If I were giving one prize to the “winner,” Simber would probably win it for this. Actually Simber, email me. I might have to invent a prize. [looks around the room] You want a Papa John’s coupon?
My favorite analrapist.
N. Bluth wrote 10 Arrested Development-themed cliches, such as: “You’ve never given up on anything in your life! Now stand up and take off those cut-offs!” I’m assuming N. Bluth was inspired by the rumors that an Arrested Development movie is in the works, or maybe he just really likes the show.
Wamme brought us the School Version: “In case you’ve already stolen the right answers, there’s something I want you to know. I’ve always prepared two versions… just in case.”
Mondoobscuro wrote the Christmas in July edition: “In every man’s life, there’s a time to deliver presents and a time to eat cookies. I feel showing FedEx how the big boys do it. Who’s with me?”
And TheHappyFacist walks right up to that line between “Awesome” and “Maybe I should delete this comment” with a batch of cliches written from the perspective of the terrorists. Yup.
- “We have to go back for him!” “Forget him! He’s a Jew!”
- “Only Osama can save us now.”
- “In every man’s life, there’s a time to kill innocents and a time to deny the holocaust. I feel like killing innocents who believe in the holocaust. Who’s with me?”
And so on.
HappyFacist, assuming you were totally 100% kidding, well done.
Like I said, there were plenty more great ones I loved, so thanks to everybody who took the time to enter. If all our readers could collaborate on a summer blockbuster, the world would be a better place. And Bruce Campbell would be the biggest star in America.