So way back in April, I first had the idea of editing together inspirational speeches. Since then, the Dow has dropped 3,000 points and one million jobs have been lost. The people of the United States are now a ragtag bunch of scruffy underdogs, down by three touchdowns at halftime, with a whole horde of orcs waiting for us right outside those locker room doors. Inspiration has become something we need. (By the way, you couldn’t tell because it started the sentence, but “Inspiration” was capitalized.)

What I’m trying to say is, I may have just single-handedly saved the economy with this montage:

TRANSCRIPT:

I did some clicking around on IMDB this morning, and out of the top 100 highest grossing live action films of all-time (U.S. only), not one is directed by a woman.

You’ll notice I said “live action.” That’s because women did co-direct a couple films that break the top 100 when you include animation. Vicky Jenson co-directed Shrek (#38), and Judy Morris co-directed Happy Feet (#92).

And you’ll notice I said “U.S. only.” That’s because on the list of highest grossing films worldwide, a woman is currently at #48 and rising. The English director Phyllida Lloyd helmed Mamma Mia! this summer. Apparently, it did much better internationally than it did here - on U.S. box office chart, it’s only at #183.

And believe it or not, the situation for ladies behind the camera might be getting worse. Dr. Martha Lauzen of San Diego State University compiles a yearly study on women in Hollywood. Her report on the top 250 domestic grossing films of 2007 found that…

Women accounted for 6% of directors in 2007, a decline of one percentage point since 2006. This figure is almost half the percentage of women directors working in 2000 when women accounted for 11% of all directors.

However.

Twilight is directed by Catherine Hardwicke. In order to break into the top 100 domestic, it needs to gross over 187 million. I’m guessing it should do that by December 1.

So feminists — if you were disappointed that Hillary Clinton and/or Sarah Palin didn’t get to the White House, and least you can be proud that the celluloid ceiling is about to get busted wide open.

[I'd tell you to do your part by going to see the movie, but you were going to do that anyway. Or you already have. So I won't bother. --Ed.]

So waaaay back in February, I mused over the scene in Raiders where Indy apparently stows away on a Nazi submarine.

What is going on here? Are we meant to believe that Dr. Jones somehow snuck onto the sub, found a hiding place, and stayed unnoticed for however long the trip to Secret Nazi Island was? In the comments of the original post, some people assumed that the u-boat just cruised on the surface the whole time. It’s true that we never actually see the thing go underwater. However, in my sub movie experience, the only time you hear that klaxon is when you’re preparing to dive.

At the time, the Sub Controversy remained unresolved. But part of Overthinking™ is continuing to think about something well beyond the point at which any reasonable person has moved on. And recently, I had an epiphany: what the hell are those guys saying?

The Dark Knight is now the second-highest grossing film in Hollywood history, behind Titanic. In a lot of ways, these two movies are polar opposites. One’s a bittersweet historical romance. The other’s a punishingly bleak superhero sequel. But there’s one thing they share: a prominently featured line.

“I make my own luck.”

(Spoilers to follow.)

I recently read an article about the possibility of more Indiana Jones movies, which included this little gem:

Lucas sat down with AP Television at his Big Rock Ranch outside San Francisco, where he said he didn’t pay much attention to the reception from critics and fans to “Crystal Skull,” a sci-fi adventure set in the 1950s.

Let’s just mull over that for a sec.

Our society’s institutions are collapsing, and we have lost confidence in our leaders to save us. Wait, didn’t someone make a summer blockbuster about this?

Where do we turn in this time of crisis? Here’s what the Joker thinks about President Bush’s economic bailout.

Wow… the Batman! Or is it just “Batman?” Uh, your choice, of course!

- Selina Kyle, Batman Returns

The future Catwoman has a good question. Sure, the movie titles always refer to the guy as plain old “Batman.” But he didn’t start out that way. Here’s a quote from Batman creator Bob Kane’s autobiography (via Wikipedia):

One day I called [collaborator Bill Finger] and said, “I have a new character called the Bat-Man and I’ve made some crude, elementary sketches I’d like you to look at.”

Italics mine. Sure enough, when the character was introduced to the world in Detective Comics 27, it was with the “the.”

So which is correct: “Batman” or “the Batman?” Are both acceptable? Which does he prefer? To figure it out, we have to consider superhero names in general, and decode the function of the “the.”

Like all good geeks, I have a soft spot for Superman II. Today I want to overthink one scene in particular… and surprisingly, it does not feature the line “Kneel before Zod.”

Early in the film, Lois and Clark are on assignment at Niagara Falls. A little kid is playing on an observation platform, and his grip suddenly slips. He falls off the Falls… and falls… and falls…

So here’s my question: how far would a child really fall in 28.4 seconds?

Is it possible to tell a single story that incorporates every major movie that came out this summer? Let’s find out.

PROLOGUE

A stylish woman sits in a coffee shop, typing on her laptop. We hear a familiar voiceover:

“Sometimes, it seems like every man is an action hero… until the clothes come off.

“Take my new squeeze - let’s call him Bruce. Billionaire. Playboy. Sure, he lives in Gotham, and I’m not a huge fan of long distance relationships… but a private jet has a way of bringing people together. However, there was one place Bruce had never taken me in two months of dating: the bedroom. As soon as night fell, he would suddenly say he had a lot of work to do and send me home. If he tries that one more time, I’m sleeping with the butler.

“Samantha was having her own problems. Tony was legendary for his sexual exploits - rumor has it he’d been gradually working his way through the entire cast of Gossip Girl. But recently, he had been spending all day in his basement workshop, leaving Samantha no chance to get her hands on his, um, lug nuts. He may have been the CEO of Stark Enterprises, but he wasn’t boldly going where no man had gone before.

“Miranda wasn’t doing much better. Her boyfriend - let’s call him Bruce too - was a scientist, even more of an overeducated wolkaholic than her. But whenever she tried to ignite his Bunsen burner, he’d say it was a bad idea to get him excited, leaving her in an incredible sulk. She even shelled out for an appointment with the legendary Love Guru, but not only didn’t he help, they found him unbearably annoying. It wasn’t exactly a Banner summer for her sex life.

“The one person who seemed satisfied was Charlotte. She was dating some mystery man, and none of us had ever seen her so relaxed. But she wouldn’t tell us a thing about him.

“I had to wonder… do ALL men have secret identities?”

Movies introduced in this chapter: Sex and the City, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Love Guru