LEAVE? HOW ABOUT JOIN? Captain Britain Will Debut in Avengers: Endgame!

by Mark Lee

Breaking news from across the pond: in this time of Brexit, Marvel will bring much needed good news to the United Kingdom by introducing CAPTAIN BRITAIN in Avengers: Endgame!

That’s right, Brian Braddock, in his trademark Union Jack costume, will bring some much-needed gravitas, stability, and fortitude to the fight against Thanos, as is befitting the glorious history and tradition of his home country.

Splendid!

Plus, in a gesture of goodwill to Her Majesty’s government, Marvel has agreed to contribute £350 million each year to the National Health Service!

Jolly good!

UPDATE #1: We regret to inform you that, due to an accounting error, the National Health Service will actually owe Marvel £3 million in exchange for 3 second of screen time of an NHS logo.

UPDATE #2: We regret to inform you that Captain Britain’s participation in Avengers: Endgame is actually subject to Parliamentary approval. Please stand by.

UPDATE #3: We regret to inform you that, due to the United Kingdom’s ongoing membership in the European Union, Captain Britain’s participation in Avengers: Endgame is subject to Eurpean Parliamentary approval as well. Please stand by.

UPDATE #4: We regret to inform you that the Prime Minister has delayed the vote on Captain Britain. Please stand by.

UPDATE #5: We regret to inform you that Parliament has voted against the Captain Britain Join Act. Please stand by.

UPDATE #6: We regret to inform you that Parliament has again voted against the Captain Britain Join Act. Please stand by.

UPDATE #7: Capital news! The Prime Minister has agreed to resign if the Captain Britain Join Act passes Parliament. This will surely break the logjam, and we will finally see Captain Britain on the big screen!

UPDATE #8: We regret to inform you that Parliament has again voted against the Captain Britain Join Act. Please stand by.

UPDATE #9: We regret to inform you that Thanos has destroyed the United Kingdom, shortly after Parliament finally approved a Brexit deal. Captain Britain, or Britain, for that matter, will no longer appear in Avengers: Endgame.

There shall be no further updates.

SPOTTED: SUPER-SOLDIER SPOILER

by Stokes

You’ll never believe this wild theory about Avengers: Endgame!

Okay, so pay attention to this guy with the beard at 1:08. Take a good look!

You only get to see it for a second in the trailer, but we’ve conveniently freeze-framed it for you. Believe it or not, that’s Chris Evans, also famous for playing Captain America in 2014’s Captain America: Winter Soldier. Don’t believe us? Here’s what he looks like with his beard shaved.

It’s not as crazy as it sounds! First of all, believe it or not, there IS precedence for this in the world of comics. Of course we all remember the famous issue of Superman where, summoned to Eternia through a portal and controlled by Skeletor’s evil magic, Superman had to fight He Man.

Or that other time that where, summoned to outer space through a portal and controlled by the villainous Rat’Lar, Superman had to fight Muhammad Ali.

You get what this means, right? I mean: yes, Superman should probably be more careful around portals. But the important part is this:

Nothing is stopping Marvel from using Captain America in Avengers: Endgame!

Not convinced yet? Well let me drop some science on you: thanks to a 2009 merger, Disney — the entertainment conglomerate that produces the Avengers movies — already owns the rights to the Captain America character! Honestly at this point they’re stupid if they _don’t_ use him.

Not convinced? Check this out: at 1:54, Hawkeye is wearing a badge on his armor with the letter A. Of course, this could just stand for Avengers. But you know what else starts with the letter A? Captain [A]merica, that’s what! (The OTI crew has an even-more spoilery, even more canon theory about the Avengers logo!! Keep reading!!)

And look at that boyish, maybe twelve-or-thirteen-year old fellow in the foreground of that same shot! Could this be our first look at Captain America’s kid sidekick, Bucky Barnes?

Why Ant-Man Cannot Kill Thanos By Crawling into His Rectum and Growing To Enormous Size

by Peter Fenzel

Thanos is the senior Titan revealed so far in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so we at Overthinking It thought it might be worth it to explore Titan physiology to best analyze and explain the fan theory that has been taking the Internet by storm:

Namely, that Ant Man will kill Thanos by crawling into his rectum and growing to enormous size.

Of course, the suggestion is absurd, for several very important reasons. WARNING: The following is Canon-Quality Content.

TITAN FACT #1: Cronos and the Titans Defeated Uranus

In ancient Greek myth, the Titans were imprisoned by their father in Tartarus, where Uranus held and tortured them. This did not stop the Titans, who achieved freedom by brutalizing Uranus and casting the remains into the ocean.

If the eternal wrath of the nether realm of Uranus was unable to defeat the Titans the first time, it is unlikely to work on Thanos this time around.

TITAN FACT #2: A Titan’s digestive tract can handle up to five Olympian gods and a god-sized rock in a blanket

A titan is not some sort of amateur when it comes to passing godlike beings through their orifices into their intestinal tracts. Kronos the OG Titan was able to hold Demeter, Hades, Hestia, Hera, and Poseidon in his guts, plus a rock with a blanket on it, before he was forced to upchuck by Zeus.

And even then he booted and rallied and had to be taken out by other means. Thanos can hardly be expected to have a less durable end-to-end inner tube.

TITAN FACT #3: A Nissan Titan XD Diesel can handle a payload in its rear of up to 2,918 pounds.

Disgusting.

 

A Spoilery Guide to Avenging the Fallen (SPOILERS)

by Peter Fenzel

In 17,000 B.C., the Seven Primes travel across the universe to create Energon with star-absorbing machines called Sun Harvesters, which destroy stars in order to collect their raw material. One of them defies the rule to never to destroy a planet with life by establishing a Sun Harvester on Earth, earning him the name “The Fallen”. The Fallen is confronted by the other Primes, who imprison him before he can harvest the Sun using the Matrix of Leadership. The rest of the Primes then sacrifice themselves to hide the Matrix in an unknown location.

In the present, two years after the events of the first film, the Autobots and the U.S. military have formed the Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty (NEST), a classified international task force used to eliminate the surviving Decepticons. In Shanghai, the Autobots intercept two Decepticons, Demolisher and Sideways. Sideways is killed by the Autobot Sideswipe, while Optimus Prime kills Demolisher, but not before he warns them of the Fallen’s return. At NEST’s secure headquarters in Diego Garcia, National Security Adviser Theodore Galloway concludes that since Megatron’s corpse is at the bottom of the Laurentian Abyss and the last-known AllSpark shard is secured in the base, the Decepticons must still be on Earth solely to hunt the Autobots. Unfortunately the Decepticon Soundwave had hacked into a military satellite and so overheard this information, sending Ravage to retrieve the shard.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky is preparing to attend college, leaving his girlfriend Mikaela Banes and guardian Bumblebee behind. He finds a smaller AllSpark shard and picks it up, causing him to see Cybertronian symbols. As a side effect, the shard’s energy brings various kitchen appliances to life, who then attack Sam and his family. After Bumblebee kills the living appliances, Sam gives the shard to Mikaela, who later captures the Decepticon Wheelie when he attempts to steal it. The Constructicons resurrect Megatron by brutally ripping apart the Constructicon Scrapmetal to provide parts, as well as using the stolen shard. Megatron then travels to one of Saturn’s moons, where he reunites with his second in command, Starscream, and his master, the Fallen, who orders him to capture Sam alive and kill Optimus, as he is the only Transformer who can defeat the Fallen. After killing Alice, a Decepticon Pretender disguised as a college student, Sam, Mikaela and his college roommate, Leo are captured by the Decepticon Grindor and taken to an abandoned factory. Megatron reveals that the symbols in Sam’s mind will lead the Decepticons to a new Energon source before Optimus and Bumblebee arrive to rescue the trio. Optimus engages and defeats Megatron, Starscream, and Grindor. After the battle, Megatron kills Optimus by impaling him through the chest from behind, destroying his spark. The other Autobots arrive and they force Megatron and Starscream to retreat. The Decepticons launch devastating simultaneous attacks around the world, destroying ships in the Second Fleet and damaging Paris. The Fallen hijacks Earth’s telecommunications systems, demanding that Sam be handed over to him.

Sam, Mikaela, and Leo enlist the help of former Sector Seven agent, Seymour Simmons, who reveals the Transformers visited Earth eons ago and the most ancient, known as Seekers, remained on Earth, hiding in secret. With help from Wheelie, they track down a Decepticon Seeker named Jetfire at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. They use their shard to revive Jetfire, who teleports the group to Egypt and explains the story of the Fallen. Following Jetfire’s example, Wheelie sides with the Autobots, and Jetfire sends them to locate the Matrix, which could revive Optimus. Sam’s group finds the Matrix in Petra, but it disintegrates into dust in Sam’s hands. Undeterred, Sam stuffs the Matrix’s remains into his sock.

Meanwhile, NEST forces and the Autobots land near the Giza pyramid complex but are attacked by a large force of Decepticons. During the battle, many Constructicons combine to form Devastator, who destroys one of the pyramids to reveal the Sun Harvester inside before he is killed by a US navy destroyer’s railgun. Ravage and the Decepticon Rampage attempt to spring a trap, using Sam’s captured parents as bait, in order to force Sam to give them the Matrix, but Bumblebee interferes and kills them both. Major William Lennox and Master Sergeant Robert Epps call in an airstrike that kills the majority of the Decepticon ground forces. However, Megatron manages to shoot Sam, mortally wounding him, before Megatron is forced to retreat. As Sam nears death the Primes contact him through a vision, saying that the Matrix must be earned, not found, and that he has now earned the right to bear it. They restore Sam’s life and the Matrix, which he uses to revive Optimus.

The Fallen teleports to their location and steals the Matrix from Optimus, then returns to the pyramid with Megatron and activates the Sun Harvester. Jetfire, who was gravely wounded during the battle, sacrifices himself in order to transplant his parts to Optimus, which gives Optimus immense strength and the ability to fly. He knocks the Fallen and Megatron off the pyramid, destroying the Sun Harvester in the process. In the battle, Optimus incapacitates Megatron and kills the Fallen; Megatron retreats with Starscream, vowing vengeance. The victorious Autobots and their allies then go back to the United States and Sam returns to college.

(all thanks to Wikipedia and to the monomyth)

Avenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold

by Peter Fenzel

With the hot new film Avengers: Endgame blasting its way into theaters like Thor carrying Stormbringer in just a matter of weeks, this is a great time to rewatch Avengers: Infinity War for clues and spoilers! And so we did!

The “Uatus” among you who have been “watching” you calendars have realized that a year has passed since our heroes failed to save the world, or each other, or even the people they love most, from the plans of Thanos, the Mad Titan.

We rewatched Infinity War, we stirred up those same ashy feelings, with almost a full year behind us. So, hold on to your hats! It turns out this elapsed time period itself is a big-old spoiler alert for Avengers: Endgame!

In Daylights, In Sunsets

This whole year is part of the storytelling magic of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which collides with our own universe every time one of these grand spectacles arrives onscreen, like the Andromeda Galaxy will with our own in 4 billion years, by which point us and everyone we know will be long dead.

We know from spoilery spoilers that Avengers: Endgame will also indicate a time shift. And we’ve gone through our own time-shift, as our planet has revolved around the sun and our sun and galaxy hurtle through the vast void in incomprehensible speed and direction.

Spoilers!

In Midnights and Cups of Coffee

Because if the Avengers have had a whole year to prepare for this next move that’s coming out, that means we’ve had a whole year, too!

Maybe you have had plans in your life that you wanted to carry out in the past year, and maybe they haven’t fully come to fruition yet.

Even with Ant Man & The Wasp and Captain Marvel, the Avengers are the same. They haven’t beaten Thanos yet either!

The story of the Avengers remains in the same place, all building up to this big moment, with all this time having passed to remind us all despite our best efforts of how we got here and why we are all sad!

Spoilers!

In Inches, In Miles

So, to find out what’s going to happen in Avenger’s Endgame, consider your own life as a benchmark for what can be accomplished in a whole year by somebody with special talents, like you!

You know you have talents, right? Abilities? Maybe you’ve been validated your whole life as a special someone, just waiting to still live our your potential. Maybe you developed them due to a tragic backstory and you’re just waiting for the right opportunity to use them. Maybe nobody ever believed in you and you’re on the cusp of your own heroic journey, where you’ll show the world, for sure.

One whole year, and your own undeniable set of powers. Why I’m sure what we’ve all accomplished is truly worthy of the special opportunity given to us by Kevin Feige and/or being born!

Spoilers!

In Laughter, In Strife

It really makes you think. The Avengers failed to stop Thanos. Did you have a Thanos you were supposed to stop, but didn’t?

Did you have a talent you were supposed to bring out, but never did?

Well, congratulations, because starting April 26, by the correlative rule of causation, the Avengers will once again fight Thanos, and you will no doubt move forward in your own life and accomplish all your dreams and hopes that have escaped you during the year.

After all, these long periods of inactivity and frozen progress punctuated by profound euphoric sprees of heroic accomplishment are the essential link between the Marvel Cinematic Universe and our own universe. They are why these movies always seem so grounded and relatable!

And why we can so clearly anticipate what will happen in them! Because, in a way, Avengers Are Just Like Us!

Spoilers!

In Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes, How Do You Measure A Year In the Life?

So, what have you failed to accomplish in the last year that has driven you beyond the edge of despair and left you in a frozen state of narrative flashback until the launch of Avengers: Endgame?

Let us know in the comments, so we know what the Avengers will be truly capable of accomplishing in this movie, as you will no doubt accomplish it between now and then, right?

Right?

Spoiler alert!

 

Why the Avengers Logo Looks Like an A

by Matthew Belinkie

If you’re like me, then you have an Endgame posted taped to your bedroom ceiling so it’s the first thing you see every morning. But it took me months to notice something very interesting about it: the Avengers logo kind of looks like an A. No seriously, try to see it with fresh eyes:

At first I thought it was a coincidence, but now I think it might be a sign of what the Marvel Universe has been building towards for years.

You might remember Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter from high school. It’s the story of a Puritan woman who conceives a child out of wedlock, and is forced to wear the letter A on her clothes to publicly shame her. What does this have to do with Earth Mightiest Heroes? Well, think of how many of them are trying to make up for some great wrong. There’s former arms dealer Tony Stark. Thor, who was cast out of Valhalla for disobeying his father and attacking the Frost Giants. The Scarlet Witch accidentally killed dozens of people in Africa. Dr. Strange was a self-centered prick, the Guardians are all turning over new leaves (insert Groot pun here!) to atone for their many crimes, and Spider-Man’s actions led to the death of his beloved uncle.

But this theory gets REALLY interesting when you look at the female Avengers and consider who might represent repentant sinner Hester Prynne. At first it seems like it must be the Scarlet Witch, right? But thanks to the Snappening, she’s dead (for now, wink wink). On the other hand the Black Widow is a former assassin who tells Loki in the first Avengers that she “has a little red on her ledger.” She’s probably the Avenger with the most overtly sinful past. And note her hair color!

Also, her name is Scarlett Johansson. This is either the greatest piece of type casting in Hollywood history or a weird coincidence.

If Natasha is really supposed to be Hester, then Bruce Banner must represent the book’s wronged husband, Roger Chillingworth. In the book, Chillingworth went missing at sea and then was captured by Indians while Hester was having her affair. In the Avengers universe, the Hulk went missing in outer space and then spent years as a prisoner of the Grand Master. Much like Chillingworth, Banner is defined by anger.

But then what Avenger is minister Arthur Dimmesdale, the seemingly upright pillar of the community who is secretly Hester’s lover? That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s got to be Steve Rogers, the spiritual leader of the Avengers. Remember that he and Natasha had a hot flirtation going was back in 2014’s Captain America: The Winter Solider.

So what does this tell us about Endgame? Clearly, Black Widow is carrying the love child of Captain America. (Note to uber-nerds: I’m aware that she claims to have been sterilized as part of her Soviet-era training program, but there’s a dozen ways this could be hand-waved away.) That will not only be a source of drama for Earth’s Mightiest Love Triangle, but a game-changer for Tony Stark, who was seen obsessing about having kids at the beginning of Infinity War. What if Tony sacrifices himself to save the pregnant Black Widow, out of love and respect for his frenemy Steve Rogers? Then the baby could be named Anthony, a callback to Hawkeye’s kid at the end of Age of Ultron being named after Quicksilver.

Chris Evans has already announced he’s done with the role, but having his kid as part of the Marvel Universe raises all sorts of possibilities for future films. But who do you think this kid will become, after being artificially aged via some kind of temporal experiment gone wrong? The next Captain America? The next Iron Man? Professor X? Questions remain, but at least we have a glimpse of where we’re heading… with a little help from Nathaniel Hawthorne.