Really, Mark Lee should be writing this post. A couple weeks ago, he had the idea of doing a schmaltzy Terminator song, in the style of “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” or “Everything I Do (I Do It For You).” He asked if anyone would be willing to help, and I told him to “keep me in the loop,” which means “good luck.” Then he sent me a demo version of the song, and it’s been in my head ever since. So in the end, I had no choice but to make this video.

Notice the armband he’s wearing?

This song, to me, is a prime example of “earony,” a word I coined to describe my feelings towards inspirational speeches. The word is a combination of “earnest” and “ironic.” With this song, Mark is clearly mocking monster ballads. At the same time, he clearly loves monster ballads to death. Thus, it’s an earonic song.

I like to imagine this whole backstory about lovers separated by nuclear disaster, searching for each other as they dodge exoskeletons. “How far would you go to find the one you love?” No wait, maybe we play it a little lighter. Poster shows an endless line of gleaming robots walking down Santa Monica Boulevard. Tagline: “The commute is killer today.”

But here’s something to Overthink: is the end credits monster ballad a thing of the past? Robin Hood was ‘91, Armageddon was ‘98. Nowadays, they end action movies with upbeat rock songs, not cigarette lighter-waving declarations of undying affection. Of course, maybe the monster ballad itself is an endangered species. The genre definitely peaked in the 80’s and early 90’s. I might argue that the high water mark for monster ballads was 1992, which gave us “November Rain” and “Bed of Roses.” But ‘92 was also the breakout year for Nirvana. After Nevermind, rock became less glam, for better and for worse.

Anyway: Mark, you’re a rock star, plain and simple.

Lyrics after the jump.

So last May (that’s May 2007), Matt “Call Me the Webmaster” Wrather and I were taking in The Coast of Utopia, a trilogy of plays by Tom Stoppard. It covers the part of Russian history most people don’t know a lot about — between when Catherine the Great had sex with a horse and when Animal Farm picks up.

So anyway, during one of the intermissions, I was sort of free-associating, as is my wont. And like an apple hitting me on the head (see how I’m referring both to Newton and orchards?) I realized that Tobey Maguire is in both Spider-Man and The Cider House Rules. And that Spider and Cider rhyme. And then I knew I was doomed. I was going to have to do something about it.

So here you go, internet. The Spider House Rules.

I don’t really expect it to get watched that much, since The Cider House Rules isn’t that well-known. But as long as you guys are impressed, I will not have sat through the terrible 1992 Michael Caine thriller Blue Ice in vain (I needed him holding a gun).

I have had a love-hate relationship with Family Guy. Or, more precisely, a love-indifference relationship. Honestly, it wasn’t even on my radar during the first Fox run, though I was of course aware of occasional gems. I didn’t watch it on Adult Swim or buy the DVDs.

My indifference was never informed by anything like a moral stance. Contrary to the impression I may have given, I’m not prudish in the least, and frankly relish comedy that is blatantly offensive. (Click at your peril. It gets worse and worse.)

In fact, I think that the supposed “offense” actually does more to reveal and ironize the double-dealing — from subtle forms of self-deception to the most blatant hypocrisy — that is a daily feature of life in the world’s only current superpower. (Do you hear me, China? Your souls are in peril! Sarah Silverman tried to warn you!) I’d actually like to talk about offensive comedy more, but that’s for another post.

Long story short, I got into the show when it returned to Fox last year, and it is in a spirit of profound admiration that I offer you the following clip, which may be the most perfect comic artifact the show has produced. Video after the jump.

Elton John stuns the audience at his benefit concert for Hillary Clinton with a scathing political rewrite of “Candle in the Wind.”

UPDATE: Please vote for us here, and digg us!

As of this writing, this woman doing nothing more than introducing herself has about ten times the views of our video commemorating Anna Nicole Smith.

Something is seriously wrong when the internet cannot be counted on to take the low road. [via Defamer]

I’ve seen this commercial a couple of times now, and I can’t get over how deeply, deeply weird the subtext is.

Look, I tend to read too much into commercials. I’m the first to admit that. But sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar, you get me? When an adorable, SOFT puppy is the spokesman for a product that uses softness as a selling point, you don’t have to be Umberto-freaking-Eco to understand that the audience is supposed to conflate the softness of the puppy with the softness of the product.

Now, when you have an ad whose message is that many of the things that come into contact with our (oh so tastefully described) “bottoms” are NOT soft, and you use your spokespuppy as a soft, soothing contrast to the dangerous, bottom-abrading world…

Well. I don’t know what the audience is actually going to think. But I know what the ad is trying to say, what we should think if it works the way it’s supposed to. Which is: “I am totally going to wipe my ass with that dog.”

Aside from ethnic stereotyping that didn’t even skirt the issue (Mariachis are sexy! Indians are crass capitalists! Chinese are pandas!), there was an overriding theme to this year’s Super Bowl ads. It started with the Audi Godfather spot.

When visiting aquariums as a child, I always wondered why this kind of thing didn’t happen, like, all the damn time. (Warning: video link. And kind of horrifying.)

I didn’t know about Eugene Mirman before he came through New Haven a couple years ago. His show alternated live bits with videos he had made. One of these, Eugene Mirman: Secret Agent, contained the memorable threat: “I’m gonna kick you so hard in the dick, you’ll cum fear.”

He now has made a parody of the blogfamous Tom Cruise Video.

Eugene Mirman: Scientologist [23/6 via Defamer]