I want to suck (your blood).

Welcome to the desert of the vampire.

Oh, you thought Twilight had driven a stake through vampire mythos – that with its sparkly, daywalking Christian Rock Emo vibe, it had finally cast asunder the resonance and insight of the vampire myths and left them in shards on the dry, dusty ground of a vast cultural wasteland.

Well, you haven’t seen Vampirum Ad Absurdam – the true return to dust of Romania-via-Ireland’s tortured legacy – until you’ve seen the video to the late-2009 Timbaland single, “Morning After Dark,” featuring French recording artist ShoShy and sometimes, depending on the version, that sultry creature of the night: Nellie Furtado. Observe:

Count Dracula
Lestat Di Lioncourt
Blade
Angelus
Ultraviolet
Edward Cullen
Timbo “Crazy Eyes” McGee

Witness the final descent of vamp. And yet…

As any archaeologist can tell you, there is a lot of wisdom to be found in a ruin. Why has vampsloitation sunk so low? Why does it just not make any goddamned sense anymore? What are the key contradictions that have spoiled the saga of the bloodsucker?

What confusions and conflicts in our own society are reflected in this garbled attempt to serve so many masters at once?

All this, and a vampire who thinks “You’re dope enough yep,” and says “I’m like wow,” after the jump –

You’ve probably heard the news by now that hedge fund Pacificor, LLC has purchased the rights to the Terminator franchise from Halcyon’s bankruptcy auction. This transaction has sparked massive speculation on the franchise’s future. Will McG make more sequels? Will T1 and T2 screenwriter Will Wisher’s treatments turn into the next two sequels? Will Pacificor go for a total reboot?

The future not set: there is no fate but what this shady hedge fund makes, right? Well, I wasn’t content with that. As a rabid Terminator fanboy, I needed to know how this turns out, so I took the liberty of using the Overthinking It Time Displacement Field (OTITDF) to travel ten years into the future to see what will become of our beloved franchise.

My report is as follows. Be warned; it ain’t pretty.

2012-2014: The Sequels

Pacificor’s first move was to get a sequel to Terminator: Salvation out the door as quickly as possible. McG, not having anything else better to do, agreed to helm the sequel. Christian Bale, upon hearing that McG had brought on the same Director of Photography from the last movie, refused to participate.

McG, in a bind, recalled Freddie Prinze, Jr’s fine work in Wing Commander and tapped him for the role of John Connor. Nicolas Cage just showed up on set, and nobody had the heart to tell him he wasn’t actually in the movie.

Pacificor, for its part, contributed the title:

Good day, Overthinkers! How go those New Years’ resolutions? That poorly, huh? Don’t worry – we still love you.

In award show news – is it that time again? – Twilight, “How I Met Your Mother” and Taylor Swift were big winners at last night’s People’s Choice Awards. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson lost out to Sandra Bullock and Johnny Depp, respectively, for Favorite Actress / Actor nods. For the first time this century, democracy works! (Twice if you count the black President thing)

Question: The fascination with “giving the people a choice” in entertainment is relatively recent in human history (Hall of Fame ballots, the People’s Choice awards, American Idol voting, etc). If we lived during the Roman Empire, how would the big stars of the day have been nominated for awards? How about the Dark Ages? The Byzantine Empire?

At long last, one of the great comedians of our time meets Hugh Laurie.

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES), favorite of geeks worldwide, opened this week in Vegas (baby). Big tech news includes the debut of Google’s Nexus One (not going to link to it; just go to the Google homepage), its Android-ready smartphone, and the buzz about Apple’s new tablet computer, or “slate.” Also, the presence of Lady Gaga, Polaroid’s new creative director for specialty imaging products. Not making that up, people; we’re not that clever.

Question: What eye-grabbing pop star – of this or any era, really – deserves a promotional title at a major electronics corporation?

Shake it like, shake it like, no you can't shake the PO-LAROID! (It develops automatic)

And finally, the Directors Guild of America announced their nominees for best film of the year. The films honored are The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow), Precious (Lee Daniels), Up in the Air (Jason Reitman), Inglourious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino) and There’s Something About Cat People (James Cameron). We here at Overthinking It are still waiting on our DGA and AMPAS ballots; probably just a matter of time. You know how the post office is. What with the snow and all.

Question: Best film of the year of those five, OR best film which was not on that list!

Costume dramas are a toss-up at awards season.

Answer these questions, or propose your own! This is your … Open Thread!

Matthew Wrather hosts with Peter Fenzel and Mark Lee. They totally had a plan when they started this one. They swear. They do manage to touch on Twilight: New Moon, Thanksgiving pop culture revelations, Christian Reality Shows, and Ninja Assasin. Along the way, some other stuff comes up, like how to market amateur theatricals and whether eating less makes you live longer.

For extra fun, play the Overthinking It Podcast drinking game.

Tell us what you think! Leave a comment, use the contact form, email us or call 20-EAT-LOG-01—that’s (203) 285-6401.

Download Episode 74 (MP3)

Matthew Wrather hosts with Matthew Belinkie, Peter Fenzel, Joshua McNeil, and John Perich to overthink the astonishing commercial success of New Moon, romancing the undead, marketing quadrants for popular entertainment, TV versus books, Oprah’s big move, Magic the Gathering, and the beginning of VerhOeverthinking It week.

Buy Devil in a Kilt on Amazon.

Tell us what you think! Leave a comment, use the contact form, email us or call 20-EAT-LOG-01—that’s (203) 285-6401.

Download Episode 73 (MP3)

Welcome to the end of the week, Overthinkers -- and your Open Thread.

First up, Oprah, the most successful woman in the history of entertainment, announced this week that she will retire her TV show in 2011 in order to start her own cable network. Is cable TV ready for a light news station that devotes hours to “soft” subjects and celebrity interviews, all united under one mogul’s monolithic vision? CNN’s Ted Turner thinks not.

Question: Oprah’s known for surprising audiences with exorbitant giveaways, like giving one guest a house or giving every guest a car. What will she give away on her final episode?

The traffic boost we'd get if Oprah muttered our name on her show, once, would dwarf all site traffic to date.

In reality news, Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model hosted their season finales this week. Project Runway had survived some legal disputes and the move from Bravo to Lifetime to still come out strong. And America’s Next Top Model, shockingly enough, picked a willowy 18-year-old with perfect cheekbones to be America’s Next Unheard-Of Model.

Question: Do you have what it takes to be America’s Next Top [Whatever You Do]? If so, which celebrity would judge you? Note that you don’t have to be American to be considered.

Yes, but is she fierce?

Oh, and, there’s some this movie about vampires opening this weekend.

Question: Vampires apparently avoid sunlight because it makes them sparkle, not because it kills them. Which other classic monster vulnerabilities actually have a more tragic -- yet beautiful -- explanation?

And, of course, whatever you’d like to discuss! After all, this is your … Open Thread.

Karl Marx: Even hairier than the Wolfman. Coincidence... OR IS IT!?

[I want to thank Professor David Graeber, whose anthropological dissection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and accompanying lectures) very much forms the basis of this post.]

Let’s begin with two observations. First: the Vampires that inhabit our most recent pop cultural works differ so dramatically from the classic archetype of Golden-Age Hollywood that they are are almost unrecognizable. Second: Werewolves are lame.

Or at least, compared with their undead, blood-sucking, vaguely-Carpathian cohort, werewolves of late have occupied a far less enviable position in the collective pop cultural landscape. These are not the subtle, nuanced, infinitely malleable characters vampires are–the sort capable of carrying their own novels, TV-shows, Movies and crappy Movie-Tie-In Video Games. Rather, lycanthropes end up as the stock types passively added to spice up a Vampire vehicle. Sure, some immortal genius might figure out a way to breathe new life into the old dogs, but for now, Buffy’s Oz remains a werewolf’s best case scenario. In the worst cases it’s… well… I’d rather not say.

However, there is something to be said about the sheer frequency with which werewolves pop up in Vampire works. Is your horror-story turned teen-abstinence-parable getting a bit too stale to survive a sequel? Throw in some werewolves! Is having a psychic heroine dating a vampire proving an insufficient allegory for southern race relations? Make her boss a werewolf! At least…sorta’. The point is, as the length of a Vampire epic approaches infinity, the probability that the spinning “let’s throw in a different kind of monster” wheel will stop on “Werewolf” approaches 1. And it does so far earlier than all of the other forms. As the old aphorism goes: no ghosts, witches, reanimated corpses, mer-people, vengeful pagan gods or giant, radioactive slugs before werewolves. And for heaven’s sake, NO MUMMIES.

The delicious exception that proves the rule.

Yet–and this is important–despite the number of appearances Werewolves (or the equivalent) make in predominantly Vampire (or equivalent) works, the converse is never true, because Werewolves remain lame.

But why? What is it about our culture that causes us to perpetually dwell on one classic occult figure, while paupering the other of such attention?

The answer, of course, lies in the failure of Marxism.

Two things about vampires:

1. They are huge drama queens.

2. Left to their own devices, they never die.

Yes, that’s right, the trailers for New Moon are out, and it looks like these vampires are living forever — taking Twilight to a whole new, aw who the Hell am I kidding.

The best thing about vampires is killing them. Doing battle with the forces of darkness. Facing down the enchanting stalkers of the night, the pale dudes in the funny coats who speak with fictional accents and keep asking for invitations because they can’t do something as simple as walk through a door without making a whole bloody production out of it — and taking them out with the aid of any number of colorful and exciting implements or methods.

Now, you, the readers, tell us, the pedants, what the best one is — with a little bit of help from our stable of overthinkers, and a special (simulated) celebrity judge . . .

What do I need to lay the ol’ Goblet of Fire on Cedric Diggory? I think I left it lying around here somewhere . . .

Matthew Wrather hosts with Peter Fenzel and Mark Lee, with special guest podcaster Lindsay Eanet. Topics include Comic-Con, fandom, vampires, and dudes who date fictional characters.

To join the debate on real vs. pretend people, first visit the New York Times article “Love in 2D.”

Tell us what you think! Email us or call 20-EAT-LOG-01—that’s (203) 285-6401. And… spread the overthinking by forwarding this episode to a friend!

Download Episode 56 (MP3)

So today I decided to cash in my Y chromosome once and for all by going to see Twilight.  First, let me share the song I would have played over the opening credits if I were the director.  Just start the clip and let it run in the background while you read the post.

Was the movie any good?  I’ve got no complaints, although I suppose I should warn you that I’m notoriously easy to please.  Compared to other movies reviewed by this site, it’s neither good enough to merit one of our flagrantly overthought rave-ups, nor anywhere near bad enough to deserve an increasingly histrionic series of pans.  Still, there are a couple of things worth examining here.