Graphic courtesy of the photoshop-savvy Mr. Lee

Michael Bay has been contracted by Hasbro to create a movie version of the Ouija board. I don’t know quite what to expect… a PG-13 horror version of Jumanji only with %100 more explosions and %100 less Robin Williams? Bad Boys II, but instead of fighting crime, Detectives Lowrey and Burnett just push a planchette around for two hours? (”It’s moving, it’s moving!” “Okay, T… H… I… S… S… H… I… T… J… U… S… T… G… O… T… R… E… A… L.” “Daaamn, Gina, we so haunted.”)

One things for sure, though: I’m expecting it to suck. Don’t get me wrong: I like Michael Bay. (Yeah, yeah, you’re revoking my overthinking license, whatever. Explosions are rad. Deal with it.) I just don’t see how this is going to be anything other than a catastrophe.

Below the jump: Five board game themed movie pitches that would be better than the Michael Bay Ouija film, plus Ouija boards as a film trope throughout history.

Until recently, I only really thought of the archtypical 80s metal band Whitesnake as a punch line. If pressed, I guess I could have sung through the chorus of “Here I Go Again On My Own Again,” but I wouldn’t have actually known that it was a Whitesnake song. Which is shameful, really. But that all changed the other day, when I sat down and watched a whole bunch of Whitesnake videos on youtube. It was a bruising and confounding experience (The hairspray! The fog machines! The horror!), and it may have weakened my grip on reality. But as the grueling marathon came to a close, I arrived at the following conclusion.

Dear reader, mirabile dictu: Whitesnake is flippin’ sweet.

Video and seriously, seriously overthought analysis after the jump.