Okay, sorry for my time away sports fans. Let’s pick up where we left off.

In the last two posts, I’ve discussed the inversion at the heart of sports movies — how the screen serves as a window and a mirror, telling a story in opposition to a viewer’s expectations and perspective. Rookie of the Year is about a kid who’s bad at baseball, Major League is about how serious our National Pastime is, and Necessary Roughness, it turns out, is a fairly frivolous movie intended for leisure that’s pleasant and easy to watch—that is, neither Necessary, nor Rough (nor an Empire, which if you ask me is a damned shame).

And there’s my segue. Guys in green shirts.

WARNING: UNSURPRISING SPORTS MOVIE SPOILERS

I have a secret for you. The kid in the picture is the greatest pitcher who ever lived.

In fact, breaking his arm made him a better pitcher. Tons better. Not practice, not genetics, not HGH, but a freak accident, breaking his arm.

What, you don’t believe me?

When somebody gets hit in the nuts in a baseball movie, it is customary to laugh. When the plucky underdog wins in a baseball movie, it is customary to cry.

Back in my days as a Real World, Non-Movie Little League catcher, the opposite was often the case, let me tell you. Except that I very rarely won the big game, especially when I played for the plucky underdog.

Nut violence notwithstanding, it is abundantly clear that the famous Tom Hanks line from A League of Their Own is patently and deliberately false.