We’ve just entered a new era, dear readers.  The days of “pirate versus ninja” arguments are over.  It is a new dawn.  This week, the stealthy, over-serious killing machine known as the ninja has been replaced.

Replaced by the stealthy, over-serious killing machine known as the sniper.

If you don’t watch the news (and who would blame you?  Current events are LAME), you might not be aware that last week, four Somali pirates took an American hostage.  Real pirates!  I know, awesome, right?  But it gets better.  Three of the four pirates were killed—get this—by a freakin’ sniper.

Boom headshot, indeed.

Hollywood, if you are not on this, you need to get on this.  Right.  Now.  You already reminded us (well, more specifically, Johnny Depp–who I just saw filming The Rum Diary down in San Juan!!1!!1!– reminded us) how awesome pirates are.  Now you need to get some freaking snipers in there, Hollywood!  It’ll be like Alien vs. Predator, only AWESOMER.

The only question is, when pitted against each other, who would win in a pirate versus sniper showdown?  Sure, the sniper won this week in real life, but who would win in the movies?  Well, it depends on what kind of movie it is…

The upcoming book “The Invisible Hook: The Hidden Economics of Pirates” by George Mason economist Peter Leeson is either a superb example of economic history or an open invitation to propagate pirate jokes about economics and political philosophy across the internets.  I choose the latter.

For erudite discussion of the social contracts of pirates compared to those described by Locke, Hobbes, etc., check out this excellent post on the Freakanomics blog. A taste:

Rogue societies’ criminality puts social harmony at a premium. Since any disgruntled member of a criminal society could turn on his comrades and inform authorities of their skullduggery, leading to their capture and punishment, it’s critical to make sure everyone is happy. This means ensuring everyone is pleased to live under society’s rules and is satisfied with the people who administer those rules. A social contract, which secures citizens’ unanimous agreement to political rules at the outset and enshrines this agreement in writing, helps to secure such harmony.

For pirate jokes, stay here and post in the comments.

As much as I’d like to, I can’t take credit for the nitpicky complaint that follows – it was pointed out to me years ago by an old co-worker of mine named Jory. And now it seems so glaringly obvious I can’t believe no one making Pirates of the Caribbean noticed.

Specifically, I’m talking about the climactic duel in the first film between Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). Here’s the setup: Barbossa and Sparrow are both cursed, and neither can be killed or even injured until the Aztec gold is returned to its chest, along with the blood of the person who took it. There are two pieces of gold still missing: one taken by Will Turner’s father (currently turning into a crustacean on the Flying Dutchman, so Orlando Bloom’s blood will do the trick), and one taken by Jack Sparrow right before the swashbuckling broke out.

Let’s see what unfolds, shall we? Video after the jump.

I’m currently trying to come up with a plot that ties in every single summer movie this year. It’s tricky – there are a LOT of summer movies.

While I’m cooking that up, here’s a similar mashup from last summer. I’m actually pretty proud of this. Maybe prouder than I should be.

CHAPTER 1

It’s Bart Simpson’s eleventh birthday, and the family is driving to New York so he can tour the offices of Mad Magazine. Along the way, the car has been followed by owls trying to drop envelopes in the windows.

On the Brooklyn Bridge, they’re attacked by witches on broomsticks. The Simpsons don’t know it, but this is a group of Death Eaters, led by Bellatrix Lestrange. Spider-man swings in to help, trapping Lestrange in a web, but he’s outnumbered and soon overpowered. Just when it seems that he and the Simpsons are doomed, a gigantic boat rises out of the Hudson River. It’s the legendary Flying Dutchman, and it fires magical cannonballs that chase the witches away. The Simpsons are taken aboard the ship, and its captain introduces himself as Jack Sparrow, Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.

Aboard the Dutchman, now safely underwater, Sparrow answers some questions. He explains that he’s hundreds of years old, immortal thanks to the Fountain of Youth. Apparently, a new prophesy says that in the final battle between Voldemort and Harry Potter, the winner will be decided by a first year wizard with yellow skin and spiky hair. Sparrow was sent by Dumbledore to escort Bart and his family safely to the school, before Voldemort could kill him. “I’m afraid you’ll all be living at Hogwarts for a while. Savvy?”

“Mmm,” says Homer. “Hog.”

Movies introduced in this chapter: The Simpsons, Harry Potter, Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean