[Today in the Think Tank, we tackle the Monster Ballad, so dubbed by the clever marketers at Time Life or wherever when they were trying to name their compilation CD. Google monster ballads if you want to find it; we're not dignifying it with a link.) You know the think tank drill: read the entries and vote for your favorite below—before Monday night! —Ed.]

“Don’t Know What You’ve Got (‘Til It’s Gone),” Cinderella
by stokes

This is very nearly the platonic monster ballad. It has most of the classic signifiers:  the synth strings, the acoustic piano mixed waaaaay to the front, the guitar solo that’s a little too classy for its environment, the delayed and portentious entrance of the drumset, and a general seriousness of purpose that never quite achieves a corresponding intensity of effect.  It’s missing the all-important “cheese” or “truck driver” modulation, but we’ll let that go in this case because of the music video, which supplies us with the following images:

Dear Bryan,

First of all, l’m a big fan. The fact that you spent your evenings down at the drive-in in the summer of ‘69, when you were only nine years old, is truly awesome.

But I have an issue with “Heaven,” your first big hit. The lyrics of the chorus have always bothered me:

Baby you’re all that I want
When you’re lying here in my arms
I’m finding it hard to believe
We’re in heaven

To me, that always sounded like:

Baby, you’re all that I want when you’re lying here in my arms. I’m finding it hard to believe we’re in heaven.

Which makes it sound like you’re really underwhelmed and being sarcastic about it. “This is heaven? If you say so.”

That’s not you, Bryan.

Of course, it’s actually supposed to be read this way:

Baby you’re all that I want. When you’re lying here in my arms, I’m finding it hard to believe. We’re in heaven!

But to me, it just never scanned right.

So here’s my suggestion – just change the lyric “I’m finding it” to “It isn’t.” So the revised quatrain reads:

Baby you’re all that I want
When you’re lying here in my arms
It isn’t hard to believe
We’re in heaven

I think that would clear up a lot of confusion. Thanks, Bryan.

Sincerely,
Matthew Belinkie