I’m currently trying to come up with a plot that ties in every single summer movie this year. It’s tricky - there are a LOT of summer movies.

While I’m cooking that up, here’s a similar mashup from last summer. I’m actually pretty proud of this. Maybe prouder than I should be.

CHAPTER 1

It’s Bart Simpson’s eleventh birthday, and the family is driving to New York so he can tour the offices of Mad Magazine. Along the way, the car has been followed by owls trying to drop envelopes in the windows.

On the Brooklyn Bridge, they’re attacked by witches on broomsticks. The Simpsons don’t know it, but this is a group of Death Eaters, led by Bellatrix Lestrange. Spider-man swings in to help, trapping Lestrange in a web, but he’s outnumbered and soon overpowered. Just when it seems that he and the Simpsons are doomed, a gigantic boat rises out of the Hudson River. It’s the legendary Flying Dutchman, and it fires magical cannonballs that chase the witches away. The Simpsons are taken aboard the ship, and its captain introduces himself as Jack Sparrow, Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.

Aboard the Dutchman, now safely underwater, Sparrow answers some questions. He explains that he’s hundreds of years old, immortal thanks to the Fountain of Youth. Apparently, a new prophesy says that in the final battle between Voldemort and Harry Potter, the winner will be decided by a first year wizard with yellow skin and spiky hair. Sparrow was sent by Dumbledore to escort Bart and his family safely to the school, before Voldemort could kill him. “I’m afraid you’ll all be living at Hogwarts for a while. Savvy?”

“Mmm,” says Homer. “Hog.”

Movies introduced in this chapter: The Simpsons, Harry Potter, Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean

Actually, I was hoping you guys could tell ME. I realized today that I can’t name a single woman magician. Which is a little odd, because women are well-represented in pretty much every other performing art. I’m sure there ARE female illusionists, but for whatever reason, none of them has ever become famous.

So I ask you, what is it about magic that makes it such an overwhelmingly male-dominated profession? Is it that women don’t wear top hats? Perhaps audiences aren’t comfortable with girls bossing around cute male assistants and volunteers? Or is it repressed cultural memories of the Salem Witch Trials?

My theory is that the ceiling is not merely glass, but invisible glass.