If there is one word I don’t want associated with my food, it’s “choke.” Choking is the absolute worst-case scenario when it comes to eating (with the possible exception of poison, which is why I’m on the fence about “boysenberry”).
“Artichoke” compounds the problem by including the word “art.” It makes it sound like this vegetable is so freaking good at choking people, it raises choking to an artform. And it even looks the part, with those sinister flared petals.
So… better names for the artichoke?
A Republican friend of mine (yes, I have them) recently called my attention to Sarah Palin’s favorite nickname for her supporters. “Honestly,” this friend complained, “does anyone want to be a ‘Joe Six-pack?’ Does anyone hear her say that and think, ‘Yes! That’s me!’”
It’s one thing to say you represent the common man. It’s another thing to define the common man as “someone who likes beer.” That’s stereotyping the group you’re supposed to understand, and it’s not even a positive stereotype. When you think about it, “Joe Six-pack” seems like an insult, akin to “Redneck.”
But hey, there are armies of consultants out there helping these candidates choose their words, so maybe the McCain folks believe “Joe Six-pack” plays. Maybe it’s like the red state n-word. Joe Six-packs can totally call each other that, as a statement of solidarity. But if Obama ever referred to a McCain supporter as a Joe Six-pack, he’d be branded a horrible elitist.
On the other hand, maybe what Palin means is that her supporters are totally ripped.
Then I got to thinking, if Palin can call her supporters Joe Six-packs, then maybe Obama should come up with a nickname for his supporters too. A nickname that plays off the most condescending stereotypes about them. Some suggestions:
- Charles Chardonnay
- Marky Marxist
- Bob Banana Republic
- Lawrence Latte
- Peter Prius
- Mike Mad Men Fan
I will be sorely disappointed if you guys don’t fill the comments section with better ones.
The sperm whale? Oh ha ha, real mature everybody.
What are we, like twelve? Honestly, this has got to stop.
And in case you thought that maybe “sperm,” in this case, had some sort of esoteric, alternate meaning, no, it doesn’t:
The whale was named after the milky-white waxy substance, spermaceti, found in its head and originally mistaken for sperm.
This is one of the largest, most majestic animals on the planet! It is an animal that people will pay serious money just to get a glimpse of. And it is named after sperm for no good reason.
Unacceptable.
I know that at this point, we’re kind of married to the name. But would people ever be able to accept a “vagina bear”? A “scrotum turtle”? I mean, there’s a monkey with a giant red ass, but do we call it the “ass monkey”?
No we don’t. Because we have a little thing called class.
We can do better, people. Physeter macrocephalus deserves a name that isn’t sperm-related.
Thank you.
I’m going to try and keep this post SFW. But since it’s all about sex, I’m not sure how successful I’ll be.
I don’t need to lecture you all on the importance of proper branding. It can take a bad product, like a cheap cologne, and make it popular. It can take a good product, like a music player, and make it into an icon.
I’m sorry to say that right now, sex is an amazing product that needs a marketing makeover.
I’m not talking about marketing that uses sex. There’s plenty of that, and it’s just peachy. What I’m talking about is considering sex itself as a product. If you wanted that product to fail, could you think of any worse names for the two major sex positions?
What is Cthulhu, really? Why are the Great Old Ones here on Earth, and what are their plans?
These are some of the great mysteries that have been haunting us since H.P. Lovecraft first introduced his Cthulhu mythos in the 1920s.
But those questions are dumb. The real question is: how the hell are you supposed to pronounce his freakin’ name?
Yes, yes. I know you all want to say, “It’s kuh-THOO-loo, obviously.”
Yes. Obviously.
But why? Tradition? Because the author said so? ‘Cause that’s how they say it in the role-playing game, Call of Cthulhu(tm)?
No. I disagree. You heard it here first, folks. “Cthulhu” should–nay, MUST–be pronounced “THOO-loo.”
Before you start yelling, hear me out, below the magic fold…