The movie begins with a heavily-armed group of Russian soldiers attacking an American military base. That seems like the kind of thing that could touch off a war. Can we at least agree that it’s probably something the Russians wouldn’t risk without good reason?
Actually, they’re after an alien carcass that turns out to be useless. But that’s not my issue.
So a while back, I complained about the relative lack of violence in the latest Indiana Jones film. Indy doesn’t shoot a single person. I blamed this on Lucus - the only person in the galaxy who believes that Star Wars is a better film when Greedo shoots first.
Anyway, I’ve edited together a little protest. Here’s Raiders of the Lost Ark, getting the Lucas “Special” Edition treatment:
By the way, a couple months ago, there was a very strange photo floating around the internet.
That’s George Lucas, on the set of Crystal Skull, wearing a “Han Shot First” t-shirt. This is basically the same as George Bush wearing a “No Blood For Oil” t-shirt. Does not compute.
So we have no reason to believe Mutt Williams has any globe-trotting experience whatsoever. He’s a motorcycle repair-guy/greaser. When he sees a scorpion in the cemetery, he reacts with an “I’m a city mouse” look of horror. Anyway, 45 minutes later, Indy and Company are trying to escape the Ruskies, when he and Marion get caught in quicksand. They tell Mutt to go find something to pull them back up. And what does he bring?
A giant, giant snake. Which he somehow knows is not poisonous.
Perhaps he once found a snake like that inside the transmission of a motorcycle, and learned all about it? Or perhaps his gang is known as “The Snakes,” and each member had to research his own personal snake nickname (a la Kill Bill)?
Can you sense my disdain for this sloppy, sloppy film?
My guess is, they really wanted a hilarious scene where Indy is afraid of a snake, and they were too lazy to figure out a better way to do it. But it’s okay, because the scene was so very funny. Oh wait, it wasn’t. I’m going to go lie down.