Not to step on Matt’s toes, but this has been bothering me.
The Indiana Jones franchise has always been about searching for an artifact that is tied into a major world religion.
1) Ark of the Covenant : Judaism.
2) Weird glowy rocks : Hinduism. Kiiind of. While none of the Indiana Jones movies are going to win any cultural sensitivity awards, I suppose I really should pause to mention that Temple of Doom’s depiction of Hinduism is ludicrous and offensive, even if the bad guys were supposed to be a nutty fringe cult. Still, narratively speaking, the rocks get the job done.
So towards the beginning of the movie, Dr. Jones tells us:
Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from a mythical lost city in the Amazon, supposedly built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead.
But guess what? When they get to the city, it is NOT guarded by the living dead. Instead, it’s guarded by the cast of Apocalypto.
No, George Lucas! Bad Lucas! You do NOT promise your audience zombies in the first reel, and then flake out!
And If any of you are feeling generous towards Lucas, you might suggest, “Well, just because they don’t look like zombies or act like zombies doesn’t mean they’re not immortal, magical guardians.” But the official novelization of Crystal Skull describes these guys only as “Ugla warriors” (p. 272) and “tribesmen” (273). And more importantly, when Indy first mentions the legend, the novel entirely omits the part about the “living dead” (p. 86). (By the way, I didn’t buy the book. I just looked at it in a Barnes and Noble. I just want people to know that.)
So a while back, I complained about the relative lack of violence in the latest Indiana Jones film. Indy doesn’t shoot a single person. I blamed this on Lucus - the only person in the galaxy who believes that Star Wars is a better film when Greedo shoots first.
Anyway, I’ve edited together a little protest. Here’s Raiders of the Lost Ark, getting the Lucas “Special” Edition treatment:
By the way, a couple months ago, there was a very strange photo floating around the internet.
That’s George Lucas, on the set of Crystal Skull, wearing a “Han Shot First” t-shirt. This is basically the same as George Bush wearing a “No Blood For Oil” t-shirt. Does not compute.
So we have no reason to believe Mutt Williams has any globe-trotting experience whatsoever. He’s a motorcycle repair-guy/greaser. When he sees a scorpion in the cemetery, he reacts with an “I’m a city mouse” look of horror. Anyway, 45 minutes later, Indy and Company are trying to escape the Ruskies, when he and Marion get caught in quicksand. They tell Mutt to go find something to pull them back up. And what does he bring?
A giant, giant snake. Which he somehow knows is not poisonous.
Perhaps he once found a snake like that inside the transmission of a motorcycle, and learned all about it? Or perhaps his gang is known as “The Snakes,” and each member had to research his own personal snake nickname (a la Kill Bill)?
Can you sense my disdain for this sloppy, sloppy film?
My guess is, they really wanted a hilarious scene where Indy is afraid of a snake, and they were too lazy to figure out a better way to do it. But it’s okay, because the scene was so very funny. Oh wait, it wasn’t. I’m going to go lie down.
[Though it was originally written before we recorded the Indiana Jones podcast, and though these positions of the author were more or less covered in that discussion, we are presenting here Matthew Belinkie's original musings on Indy 4. They are, if nothing else, of historical interest. --Ed.]
My freshman year of college, I was really really excited about Star Wars: Episode 1. I bought a plastic lightsaber. I tuned into MTV for the premiere of the “Duel of the Fates” music video. Downloaded all the trailers, including the TV spots. And then I went to see it on opening day… and I claimed to love it. Lord help me, I came out of that theater and said I was totally satisfied.
Of course, that state of denial didn’t last long. Gradually, over the next year, after seeing it again and talking to others, I had to admit the movie was a huge disappointment. But initially, I wanted it to be good so much that I just couldn’t bring myself to admit that it wasn’t.
I’m not going to make that same mistake now. As much as I wanted a fourth amazing Indiana Jones adventure to add to the other three I have memorized, Crystal Skull doesn’t cut it. Here’s some of my initial gripes.
Wrather is joined by Belinkie, Fenzel, Shechner, and Stokes to rate Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on a 5-whip scale. (Spoiler alert: The movie earns a “whip it”, but not a “whip it good.”)
