King of the World.

Recently, Fenzel spelled out Five Reasons Why Avatar Will Suck. I want to add one more. Every article that I’ve read about the movie waxes poetic about how Cameron has been given carte blanche to pursue his vision. He’s spent almost four years in production, and more than 300 million dollars. He even invented his own camera. This is a man with unlimited resources and total creative control. That makes me very nervous.

We’ve just entered a new era, dear readers.  The days of “pirate versus ninja” arguments are over.  It is a new dawn.  This week, the stealthy, over-serious killing machine known as the ninja has been replaced.

Replaced by the stealthy, over-serious killing machine known as the sniper.

If you don’t watch the news (and who would blame you?  Current events are LAME), you might not be aware that last week, four Somali pirates took an American hostage.  Real pirates!  I know, awesome, right?  But it gets better.  Three of the four pirates were killed—get this—by a freakin’ sniper.

Boom headshot, indeed.

Hollywood, if you are not on this, you need to get on this.  Right.  Now.  You already reminded us (well, more specifically, Johnny Depp–who I just saw filming The Rum Diary down in San Juan!!1!!1!– reminded us) how awesome pirates are.  Now you need to get some freaking snipers in there, Hollywood!  It’ll be like Alien vs. Predator, only AWESOMER.

The only question is, when pitted against each other, who would win in a pirate versus sniper showdown?  Sure, the sniper won this week in real life, but who would win in the movies?  Well, it depends on what kind of movie it is…

There seems to be a consensus that the Oscars are becoming less and less populist. Back in the day, movies like Star Wars, Tootsie, Ghost, and E.T. were all nominated for Best Picture. This year, a lot of people haven’t seen a single one of the nominees. The Oscars have gone all snooty on us. But here’s my question: can “snooty” be quantified? Can we graph the Academy’s turn towards art house?

(NOTE: This post would not be possible without the badassery of sheely, whose day job involves all sorts of numerical kung fu.)

From the “old news but new news to me” file comes this interesting tidbit: Hollywood is in pre-pre-production for a live-action Cowboy Bebop movie.  (It’s an anime.)  This news, of course, initiated my brain’s usual protocol:

10: Become excited
20: Wait
30: Frown and realize this is Hollywood we’re talking about
40: GOTO Wikipedia
50: Read related article
60: If famous and good production company/director/actor/writer is attached, GOTO 10
70: If famous and bad production company/director/actor/writer is attached, GOTO 30

For instance, I recently learned that a live-action film of Avatar: The Last Airbender was in the works.  Then I learned M. Night Shyamalan was attached to direct.  GOTO 30.

Well, take that mild disappointment and magnify by twelve and you get my feelings about the Cowboy Bebop movie.  Because Cowboy Bebop is my favorite anime.  Because it reeks of style and is clever and witty and has wonderful dialogue and character development.

And because Keanu Reeves is attached.