The movie begins with a heavily-armed group of Russian soldiers attacking an American military base. That seems like the kind of thing that could touch off a war. Can we at least agree that it’s probably something the Russians wouldn’t risk without good reason?

Actually, they’re after an alien carcass that turns out to be useless. But that’s not my issue.

Not to step on Matt’s toes, but this has been bothering me.

The Indiana Jones franchise has always been about searching for an artifact that is tied into a major world religion.

1)  Ark of the Covenant : Judaism.

2) Weird glowy rocks : Hinduism.  Kiiind of.  While none of the Indiana Jones movies are going to win any cultural sensitivity awards, I suppose I really should pause to mention that Temple of Doom’s depiction of Hinduism is ludicrous and offensive, even if the bad guys were supposed to be a nutty fringe cult.  Still, narratively speaking, the rocks get the job done.

3) The Holy Grail : Christianity.

But then we get to the latest film…

So we have no reason to believe Mutt Williams has any globe-trotting experience whatsoever. He’s a motorcycle repair-guy/greaser. When he sees a scorpion in the cemetery, he reacts with an “I’m a city mouse” look of horror. Anyway, 45 minutes later, Indy and Company are trying to escape the Ruskies, when he and Marion get caught in quicksand. They tell Mutt to go find something to pull them back up. And what does he bring?

A giant, giant snake. Which he somehow knows is not poisonous.

Perhaps he once found a snake like that inside the transmission of a motorcycle, and learned all about it? Or perhaps his gang is known as “The Snakes,” and each member had to research his own personal snake nickname (a la Kill Bill)?

Can you sense my disdain for this sloppy, sloppy film?

My guess is, they really wanted a hilarious scene where Indy is afraid of a snake, and they were too lazy to figure out a better way to do it. But it’s okay, because the scene was so very funny. Oh wait, it wasn’t. I’m going to go lie down.