It’s Saturday. Keep your PJs on, grab a bowl of sugary cereal, plop yourself on the floor 9 inches from the TV, and commence mouthbreathing. [via Big Contrarian]
I’m currently trying to come up with a plot that ties in every single summer movie this year. It’s tricky - there are a LOT of summer movies.
While I’m cooking that up, here’s a similar mashup from last summer. I’m actually pretty proud of this. Maybe prouder than I should be.
CHAPTER 1
It’s Bart Simpson’s eleventh birthday, and the family is driving to New York so he can tour the offices of Mad Magazine. Along the way, the car has been followed by owls trying to drop envelopes in the windows.
On the Brooklyn Bridge, they’re attacked by witches on broomsticks. The Simpsons don’t know it, but this is a group of Death Eaters, led by Bellatrix Lestrange. Spider-man swings in to help, trapping Lestrange in a web, but he’s outnumbered and soon overpowered. Just when it seems that he and the Simpsons are doomed, a gigantic boat rises out of the Hudson River. It’s the legendary Flying Dutchman, and it fires magical cannonballs that chase the witches away. The Simpsons are taken aboard the ship, and its captain introduces himself as Jack Sparrow, Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.
Aboard the Dutchman, now safely underwater, Sparrow answers some questions. He explains that he’s hundreds of years old, immortal thanks to the Fountain of Youth. Apparently, a new prophesy says that in the final battle between Voldemort and Harry Potter, the winner will be decided by a first year wizard with yellow skin and spiky hair. Sparrow was sent by Dumbledore to escort Bart and his family safely to the school, before Voldemort could kill him. “I’m afraid you’ll all be living at Hogwarts for a while. Savvy?”
“Mmm,” says Homer. “Hog.”
Movies introduced in this chapter: The Simpsons, Harry Potter, Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean
Last night, I sat down and watched Enchanted, the 2007 Disney movie in which a cartoon princess played by Amy Adams falls through a portal into real-world Manhattan. Eventually, she comes to accept being “real,” while love interest Patrick Dempsey learns a valuable lesson about opening his heart to the magic of a child’s smile, or some such shit.
This is another one for the “I’m surprised how much I liked this” file. Well, I’m not all that surprised - the thing got fantastic reviews when it came out, and I’m kind of a sucker for fairy tales. Even so, Enchanted had a LOT going against it…