Related Posts

• Episode 171: First World Problems
• The Overview: Ghostbusters 2
• Episode 152: Bradley Cooper! You Come Home This Instant!
• Don’t Watch Annie Hall (First)
• Episode 151: Closing Be Always

Finally, it’s a horrible way to teach kids about economics.  Everything runs on cash, no credit allowed?  (You can mortgage your properties, of course, but that word does not mean what the game thinks it means.)  You’re only allowed to purchase real estate that you happen to randomly walk past?  Hotels are always more lucrative than row houses?  All of it is nonsense.  And it’s even worse when it comes to business ethics!  Remember, real estate developers who wind up in jail never did anything wrong.  They just rolled the dice like anyone else, and ended up landing on the wrong square:  running your business 100% legally is not even possible, so why try?  Also remember:  income tax is something you only pay if you’re an unlucky chump.  The tax rules in Monopoly only make sense if you assume that every player in the game routinely fails to pay their taxes at all, and landing on the square means you got audited.

One thing I do like about Monopoly, though, is the Free Parking square.  Most board games have lots of squares that have no effect, and a handful of squares that do something interesting.  Not Monopoly, though.  The Monopoly board is ridiculously dense.  It only has that one square in which nothing at all happens, and as a result they have to make a big deal of it.  Just look at that jaunty little car!  When I played the game as a kid, we apparently found the Free Parking square boring, because we always ended up turning it into some kind of jackpot:  either landing on it got you $500, or all the income tax money was piled up in the center and whoever landed on Free Parking got it all, or when you landed on it you had to do a Jäger shot.  (We mostly played that one in college.)  But these days, I like the fact that, in its purest essence, the Free Parking square lets you do nothing – lets you escape, for one too-brief moment, from Monopoly’s nightmarish cycle of buying and selling, paying rent and extracting rent, grasping and desiring.  (You say capitalism, I say saṃsāra.)

So the next time someone ropes you into playing Monopoly, I encourage to pretend to play Monopoly while in fact playing a different, secret game that I am about to teach you, called Anarcho-Syndicalist Collective. The rules are simple.  First, play Monopoly as you normally would until you manage to land on Free Parking.  This accomplished, AVOID TAKING YOUR NEXT TURN AT ALL COSTS.  After all, as long as you don’t roll the dice, you don’t have to move off of Free Parking, which means you can stay outside of the capitalist system, which is the real goal of Anarcho-Syndicalist Collectives in games as in life.

There are no rules to this portion of the game, and creativity is encouraged, but there are a number of recognized strategies.  The most common, and the only one generally considered to be sporting, is to try to convince your fellow players that Monopoly is a terrible game and that you’d all be better off doing something else with your time.  Less orthodox techniques include taking an absurdly protracted bathroom break (the “Stall in a Stall” gambit), throwing the board out the window (the “Direct Action” technique), or simply refusing to pick up the dice, without saying anything in your defense other than “I would prefer not to” (known as “taking a Bartleby”).  Truly advanced players may wish to simply stand up from the table, turn around, and walk out of the room, and then out of the house, walking, walking, not stopping, until they reach a plot of unclaimed land from which a meager life can be eked out, growing hemp.  And of course, if all else fails, you can just explain to your friends that you have in fact been playing Anarcho-Syndicalist Collective, and that you aren’t going to move anymore because you’ve already won your game.  This lacks a certain creativity, and will probably convince your friends that you’re an arrogant snot.  But on the bright side, they will almost certainly never ask you to play Monopoly again, which is what I call a win-win.

Note:  Of course, Anarcho-Syndicalist Collective doesn’t model a sound economic policy any more than Monopoly does.  But it’s more fun.  And the fact that it is more fun to attempt to get out of playing Monopoly than it is to actually play Monopoly has got to be pretty damning, by most lights.

Also note:  There’s probably a specific form of non-participation in capitalism that resembles the game I’ve designed far more closely than Anarcho-Syndicalism, which I guess is mostly about labor unions?  Anarcho-Syndicalism has the funniest name, though.

Furthermore note:  Economically conservative readers may prefer to play “Going Galt,” which is exactly the same as Anarcho-Syndicalist Collective save for the following additional rules:
1)  The new “goal” square is not Free Parking but Income Tax, and rather than attempting to avoid moving off of the square, your goal is to avoid paying the fee.  (Logically, Luxury Tax and any number of the Chance and Community Chest cards would also qualify — but I see no reason why the right-wingers should have an easier game.)
2)  During the “actually playing Monopoly” phase of the game, you must acquire at least one complete Monopoly.  Bonus points if it’s the railroads, or if you fully leverage it out with hotels.  If you land on Income Tax before acquiring the necessary properties, grit your teeth, pay it, and play on.
3)  Finally, when you eventually walk away from the table, you must tear your property cards in half. Flinging the pieces in your opponents faces, while shouting “I am leaving it as I found it!” is entirely optional, depending on your style of play.

Related Posts

• Episode 180: Michelle Bachmann America is Great Funtime
• Episode 179: The Expendable Babysitters Club
• Episode 48: The Futility Condition
• The Odds are Never in Your Favor: Pareto Efficiency in The Hunger Games
• Episode 175: It’s a pirate ship. It should be watertight.

If you’re looking for more evidence of the continual decline of the English language, look no further than T.J. Maxx’s spring 2011 ad campaign.

In one such specimen, a pretty young woman dressed somewhere between BoHo chic and “my older sister told me what to wear at SXSW so I wouldn’t embarrass her” spends her time in a bunch of pretty young ways in a montage of ruffled fabrics, visits to the park, and inviting clothing merchandising.

Young Ms. Maxx has really pretty hair and seems nice enough. I’d hang out with her if she were a coworker. Especially if she didn’t talk. As commercials go, this one is far from the most offensive or inane.

But, as often happens, the creative types behind this short film had to think up something for their clever young tastemaker to say so other clever young tastemakers would buy into it. The whole thing degenerates into “boardroom hip,” my term for when people in the business of selling something are tone-deaf about those to whom they’re trying to sell it.

So they wrote a voiceover script in which Ms. Maxx and her impressively wholesome good looks extol the virtues of the season’s must-have wardrobe. You can shop! And also save! And look like a lip gloss commercial! And hang with your friends LOL! 

[Apologies: the best we can find is this handheld recording of the commercial on TV - Ed.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9t24QVcKcnc

“I’m in T.J. Maxx all the time,” exclaims our friend. “I used to think it was old-school, but it’s not. I get this season’s designer clothes – and I still get to eat!”

See? She’s edgy! She’s down to earth, with regular-person concerns and a gastrointestinal tract! Just like other middle-class female consumers between the ages of 17 and 25!

Sadly, T.J. Maxx ad copy people, “old-school” does not mean what you think it means. “Old-school” isn’t “old-fashioned” – some dumb thing our parents tried to make us do because they were SO UNCOOL. “Old-school” is a good, fashionable thing inspired by, or taken directly from, past cultural traditions, usually the recent past. Urban Dictionary defines it as “anything that is from an earlier era and looked upon with high regard or respect.”

You wouldn’t say, “Whoa, these cave paintings made by Paleolithic humans are so old-school!” Nor would you say, “My mom tried to convince me to wait until my wedding night to consummate my relationship with my fiancé, but I told her that was really old-school.” Because that is not what “old-school” means.

For anyone else who may need clarification regarding the use of “old-school,” please enjoy this handy usage chart:

Old School: Playing Frogger on an 8-bit Atari gaming system.
Old People: Your mom telling you to stop playing Frogger and fill out your pre-med application already.
Old Fashioned: Listening to the phonograph at the apothecary shoppe.

Old School: Capezio dance shoes.
Old People: Your dad telling you not to wear Capezio dance shoes because they have no arch support.
Old Fashioned: Boots with buttons on them.

Old School: High-waisted jeans.
Old People: Mom jeans.
Old Fashioned: “It’s you dungaree-wearing women and your votes who are destroying this once fine nation!”

And so forth.

Example: mom jeans.

[Image credit goes to A Mom In Red High Heels, who speaks to her demo in a language they understand. - Ed.]

While my demographic is no longer 17 to 25, it was recent enough that I know what mattered to me at that time, and I know plenty of people who still inhabit this demographic. They wouldn’t take this woman’s advice about anything. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about and she doesn’t come across as sharing their cultural priorities and knowledge base. This seems like a pretty “ad copy 101” concept to mess up when your goal is to make people buy things because they identify with your protagonist.

Unlike ads that poke fun at the theory that consumers want to be like the people using the product – most famously the Man Your Man Could Smell Like campaign from Old Spice – this ad is embarrassing, tone-deaf, and irritating. Like when your boss calls blogs “e-diaries” and printing things “downloading,” and then gets mad at you for having no idea what he’s talking about.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, there are two key issues here that deserve the Overthinking It treatment.

First, while language and in particular semantics are dynamic, they aren’t dynamic in this way. Saying things incorrectly in a way people don’t generally say them isn’t being linguistically progressive, it’s just being ignorant. There’s a difference between a) meaning that evolves over time, as people slowly apply a word at the edges of its current meaning, and that usage gradually edges from rare to common and b) meaning that is confounded because you never knew the common or accurate usage in the first place.

To vary from or build upon a linguistic or semantic convention, you first have to understand what it is you had to begin with. Attempts to justify flipping “old-school” from a positive to a negative connotation in 20 seconds of ad time should drive any self-respecting linguist bats. These aren’t cases of descriptive versus prescriptive linguistics (in other words, legitimate theoretical concerns for those who examine the science of language). This is balls-out linguistic apologism. Choices like these make us worse at saying what we mean in a world already rife with misunderstandings.

Second, errors like this say a lot about the difference between making oneself (or one’s media) come across as culturally relevant versus culturally suspect.

The commercial, when I saw it, happened to surface during a break from Juno on the Oxygen network. Juno is an excellent counterpoint to the woman in the commercial. While Diablo Cody has been accused – fairly – of being overly precious and of creating characters whose uncannily perfect comebacks are far too rehearsed, at least the writing addresses relevant cultural concerns using accurate cultural vocabulary.

It might not occur to an actual, real-life 17-year-old (however precocious, culturally savvy, or pregnant) to make a reference to the fictional band from My So-Called Life or to crack wise using the word “shenanigans.” But, at the same time, when Juno does this, we get where she’s coming from, and so does the demographic she represents. When the audience likes the writing, it’s because the viewers want to believe they’d think of similarly clever remarks in similar situations. Conversely, no one who wishes to be taken seriously wants the rhetorical skills of Ms. Maxx.

Bottom line: 1) don’t use cultural vocabulary that isn’t yours to bring about a certain end unless you’re quite certain that you’re using it the right way. 2) If you fail in this endeavor, those of us who are paying attention will mock you, distrust you, and likely not buy your stuff.

[Do you find T.J. Maxx's use of "old school" as suspect as Diana? Or are you just happy T.J's slashed their prices? Sound off in the comments!]

Related Posts

• Cthulhu’s Greatest Mystery
• Episode 166: Buffering… Buffering… Buffering…
• Words are Wind: Repetition of Language in A Dance With Dragons
• “Super Bowl” vs “Superbowl”: An American Spelling Crisis? Update: AVERTED
• The Saw Marketing People Steal TWO Old Playstation Ads

No joke, though, these guys make some seriously cool shirts. Here are a few designs:

Awesome, right? I like the zombie one best. Reminds me of something.

So here’s what you have to do if you want to win a free t-shirt (free-shirt?) from 604Republic…

1. Follow @overthinkingit and @604republic on Twitter.
2. Pick your favorite shirt, and tweet: “ I want a free shirt from @604republic and @overthinkingit! http://bit.ly/oti604 My favorite is”… and then fill in the name of your favorite.
3. There is no 3!

Tweets must be received by Thursday (June 30) at midnight EST. We’ll pick two random winners, and their who will receive whatever t-shirt they picked (sorry, no hoodies) compliments of 604Republic.

Do we love you or what?

This post will be none of those things.

O face.

This May, champion bodybuilder, actor, Golden Globe winner, Planet Hollywood owner, cigar/Hummer aficionado and former two-term Governor of the world’s fifth largest economy (at least it was when he started) Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he had fathered a love child with his maid, Mildred Patricia Baena, in 1997.

This already sketchy tale is complicated by the fact that in 1984, Arnold married Maria Shriver.  Shriver, the niece of John F. and Robert Kennedy, is an Emmy winning journalist, the mother of (four of) his children, and a board member of the Special Olympics.  There’s really no doubt that in the film of Arnold’s life, Maria is the intended love interest and the undisputed leading lady.  She’s smart, she’s kind-hearted, and is as close as we get to royalty in this country.   Instead of sticking with the script, Arnold set aside the leading lady and went after an extra.

This kind of behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere. To find its origins, we looked back at Arnold’s career and discovered a long history of lies, deceit, and unusual choices.

Should our readers have conflicting information or discover any additional instances, we encourage them to add them to the comments.

Stay Hungry (1976):
Leading Lady: Mary Tate (Sally Field)
Secret love interest: “Blonde photographer at contest” (Susan Geston)
Current age of love child: 34
Arnold’s pickup line: something in German, presumably. The man had just moved here.
Circumstances:  Ignoring America’s sweetheart, Arnold flexed his muscles for the hot blonde photographer. That Geston was then dating and subsequently married his Stay Hungry costar Jeff Bridges mattered little to Mr. Universe.

Taking photographs of an oiled up Arnold was illegal in the 1970s.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Leading Lady: Valeria of the Red Brotherhood (Sandahl Bergman)
Secret love interest: “Sacrificial Snake Girl” (Leslie Foldvary)
Current age of love child: 29
Arnold’s pickup line: “You are best in life, Sacrificial Snake Girl.”
Circumstances:  Despite a love scene between Conan and Valeria, actress Sandahl Bergman was a Star Wars fan and had already fallen for the heavy breathing of costar James Earl Jones.

At what point did humanity decide that sacrificing young women was a good idea?

Her blade belonged to Conan. Her heart belonged to Vader.

Predator (1987)
Leading Lady: Anna (Elpida Carrillo)
Secret Love Interest: The Predator’s head prop
Current age of love child: rubber masks are surprisingly infertile
Arnold’s pickup line: “Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Do me! I’m here! Do me! I’m here! Do me! Come on! Do me! I’m here! Come on! Do it now! Do me!”
Circumstances:  According to IMDB, there was a single woman involved in the on-set production of this film. Arnold made do.

"You are one ugly..." Whispered: "I'm sorry baby, you know I didn't mean it."

Total Recall (1990)
Leading Lady: Milena (Rachel Ticotin) / Lori (Sharon Stone)
Secret love interest: “the fat lady” (Priscilla Allen)
Current age of love child: 21
Arnold’s pickup line: “The script says I’m inside you. Let’s follow the script.”
Unsure who to love: his seemingly loving wife Lori or Milena, the two-breasted hooker with a heart of gold, Arnold made an interesting choice. Priscilla Allen played the robotic/prosthetic disguise in which Arnold sneaks into Mars.

Pre-coital

Post-coital

Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Leading Lady: Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Crisp (Penelope Ann Miller)
Secret love interest: 3rd Grade Student (Catherine Reitman)
Current age of love child: none
Arnold’s pick up line: So when do you turn 18? (Answer: 1999)
Circumstances: Father/Director Ivan Reitman stepped in.

IT'S NOT A TUMOR! (it is a felony)

Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
Leading Lady: Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton)
Secret love interest: Janelle Voight, John Connor’s foster mother (Jenette Goldstein)
Current age of love child: 20 (also 42, 53, 0 & -12, depending on which future happens)
Arnold’s pickup line: (in John Connor’s voice) “Want to find out what’s wrong with Wolfie?”
Circumstances: Arnold targeted Goldstein once he discovered that Linda Hamilton’s biceps were bigger than his.

"Something's wrong. She's never this nice."

Last Action Hero (1993)
Leading Lady: none
Secret love interest: Maria Shriver
Current age of love children: 21, 19, 17, 13
Arnold’s pickup line: “Hi, honey.”
Circumstances:  With no real leading lady in this film, Arnold made the unique choice to pursue his wife, who briefly appeared as herself in the film.

Ich bin ein Kennedy

True Lies (1994)
Leading Lady: Jamie Lee Curtis
Secret love interest: Jamie Lee Curtis
Current age of love child: 17
Arnold’s pickup line: Undisclosed.  Likely delivered in shadow via tape recorder.
Circumstances:  In this case, Schwartzenegger just slept with Jamie Lee Curtis.  True.  Had a subsequent affair with Charlton Heston.  Lies.

Do not. I repeat. Do not do a google image search for "jamie lee curtis true lies"

Batman & Robin (1997)
Leading Ladies: Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) & Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), Julie Madison (Elle Macpherson), Ms. B. Haven (Vivica Fox), Mrs. Fries (Swedish supermodel Vendela Tommassen)
Secret love interest: Mildred Patricia Baena
Current age of love child: 14
Arnold’s pickup line: “Patty, come here for a minute.” Or “My passion thaws for you alone.”
Circumstances: The women in Arnold’s life in 1997 were: Maria Shriver, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Vivica Fox, two supermodels and his maid.

The choice was obvious.

Related Posts

• The State of Schwarzenegger Fandom, Post-Scandal
• Episode 4: Pubic Servant
• Open Thread for December 3, 2010
• Open Thread for October 1, 2010
• Open Thread for February 26, 2010

I really can’t do a good job–any job–of explaining magnetic force in terms of something else you’re more familiar with, because  I don’t understanding it in terms of anything else you’re more familiar with.

This is why science is so maddening for some and so great for others.

-Richard Feynman, Fun to Imagine (1983)

Raison d’être

While we Overthinkers have already spent many a goodly hour dissecting X-Men: First Class and the characters therein, I’d like to take the prominence this film holds in our current collective zeitgeist as an opportunity to voice an issue that’s irked me for years, now. Stated  simply, “how do we solve a problem like Magneto?”

To be clear, I take no umbrage with Magneto’s role as sometimes-hackneyed allegory for postwar Jewish experience, his membership in the brotherhood of superpowered Hebrews (in which I one day hope to hold a rank), nor his place in the pantheon of villains who seem  superfluously haunted by the deaths of their mothers. All of these are, to some degree, excusable literary devices of the sort inevitably used throughout the perpetual re-imagining of such a long-lived character. No, my issues with Herr Lehnsherr, like most of my professional worries (and–now that I think about it–like most of the troubles with my mom) stem from basic physics.  Which is to say, the self-proclaimed “Master of Magnetism:”

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

…has, at best, only a rudimentary control over this awesome fundamental force.

Okay, in this example he’s also a bit of a douche, I guess.

Now, as the quote that opens this post so eloquently states, the physics of magnetism get quite a bit sticky.  It’s not that the math is hard per se (though it can be a bit daunting), nor are the results counter intuitive in the way that many quantum or cosmological phenomena tend to be.  The problem with magnetism is that so many of its aspects are immediately well-known to the common observer, and yet the intrinsic physical phenomena from which they’re borne are best explained in a fundamentally counter-intuitive manner.

"That's right, my friend. Search your feelings; you know it to be true. Wait... Line?"

This has, of course, lead to notorious confusion in the literature. In fact even I, with my obviously formidable scientific prowess, would never be so boastful as to liken my pedagogical skills to those of Professor Feynman. Hence, this post won’t serve as a primer on magnetic theory, just a critique of the way Magneto (under)utilizes it.  Also of note: while OTI has previously featured related analysis that provided an elegant Physical Chemical model for Magneto’s powers, that work attempted to justify the apparent limitations of his abilities. I, on the other hand, recognize that the ability to control magnetism–in all of its forms and contexts–should imbue Magneto with a startling array of powers. I’m just attempting to help him realize his full potential.

Magnetism: Electricity’s Wacky Next-Door Neighbor

Modern physics states that the universe is governed by a set of five basic forces: gravity, the strong and weak nuclear forces, electromagnetism and heart. You’ll note right away that magnetism doesn’t stand on its own right, instead being inextricably tied to the electric force. The discovery that these two seemingly disparate forces are, in reality, just different facets of a single unifying phenomenon was one of the great triumphs of 19th century physics, and in many ways established the foundations of the 20th and 21st century’s electrically-powered society.  Let’s take a look at some salient features of magnetic fields and forces:

I. Changes in electric fields generate accompanying magnetic fields

This is an over-simplified statement of Ampere’s Law.  Most of us are familiar with this principle from an experiment many did in elementary school: generating a magnetic field using a flowing electric current.  Just wrap a copper wire around a pencil a few times, connect its ends to the poles of a battery, and watch in awe as you’ve created an electromagnet! (Bonus: try and do this near the security checkpoint at an international airport. There’s nothing TSA finds funnier than exposed electronic components.)  The law is named for its discoverer, André-Marie Ampère, who used these devices to simultaneously solve 18th century France’s Excess-Pencil and Scattered-Paperclip Crises.  And all while having a girl’s name.  Good hustle.

II. Changes in magnetic fields generate accompanying electric fields

My personal favorite of the classical electrodynamic laws, and it should be yours too if you’re into things like “making electricity from non-electricity.”  This is a grossly over-simplified statement of Faraday’s Law of Induction, the principle underlying the function of nearly every classical electric device: from electric turbines to those adorable hand-crank thingies they used to put on the front of cars.  More on those later.

Michael Faraday, the true "Master of Magnetism," ca. 1845. Not pictured: other members of the "Brotherhood of Evil Natural Philosophers" (later renamed "The Royal Society of London.")

Note that this law brings a kind of symmetry (though not true symmetry in the mathematical sense) to Ampere’s law: by varying the field due to either electricity or magnetism, you simultaneously generate a field of the other component.  In fact, through clever tinkering, one can simultaneously exploit both of these principles as a means of wirelessly transferring power between two circuits.  Imagine an electromagnet of the sort described above, with its coil placed in close proximity to separate coil that’s disconnected from any power source.  A variable current delivered to the electromagnetic coil will (by Ampere’s law) induce a variable magnetic field.  The second coil experiences this changing magnetic field and (due to Faraday’s law)  an electric field that ultimately drives a second electric current.   Devices of this sort should be well known to you: they’re called transformers.

More than meets the eye, indeed.

III. Magnetic Field lines are curved (or infinite)

…A consequence of Gauss’ Law of Magnetism, (not to be confused any of the bajillion other things named for C. F. Gauss.  That guy was a goddamn badass…) which states that the sum of all magnetic field lines entering a closed surface is always equal to the sum of those lines leaving that surface.  This is in stark contrast to electric field lines, which all point away from positive charges and toward negative charges, or to gravitational field lines, which point in the direction of massive objects (at least, in simple cases). Both of these other examples can exert straight lines of force, as well, whereas real magnetic fields have curves. Again, many of you might have already seen an illustration of this principle in high school science classes:

A classic scientific experiment for children, illustrating what it would look like if we put a bar magnet on the floor of a Dickensian child sweatshop.

…whereupon you probably thought, “Wow, my previous experiences of iron filings sure made that demonstration so culturally relevant!”

IV. Putting magnetic and electric fields together

The three laws mentioned above, Ampere’s Law, Faraday’s Law of Induction and Gauss’ Law for Magnetism–taken together with another of Gauss’ Laws (dude was a bad. ass.)–constitute a classic set of differential equations that underlies the entire fields of classical electrodynamics and optics.  They’re termed Maxwell’s laws, after the Scottish physicist James Clerk Maxwell. This is widely attributed to an arcane pre-E.U. labor regulation requiring that peaceful collaborations between British (Faraday), French (Ampere) and Prussian (Gauss) citizens be overseen by Scotsmen.  It’s largely believed that this law is to blame for Europe’s eventual focus on non-peaceful collaborations.

Maxwell's laws. Top to bottom: Gauss' Law, Gauss' Law for magnetism, Faraday's Law of Induction and Ampere's Law. They may look difficult, but simultaneously satisfying all four is easier than satisfying all of the laws laid out in Deuteronomy.

No, these equations bear Maxwell’s name because he was the one who initially proved that they’re sufficient in describing the electric/magnetic fields present in essentially any scenario.  Given some input data about a system (the distribution of charges, electric current, &ct) one could, in theory, use these equations to derive a general equation that describes the electric and magnetic fields in the system at any point in space and time. In most cases, this calculation is what we in the science biz call “a colossal brainfuck very challenging,” but a simple, peculiar solution pops up if one considers a system containing no charges or currents. Of course, a trivial solution states that the electric and magnetic fields are each zero. But, Maxwell proved that the Laws could also be satisfied by a traveling wave equation, in which an electric field oscillated parallel to one axis, a magnetic field oscillated along a perpendicular axis, and the whole system moved forward along a third, mutually perpendicular axis.  Check out this animation, which I stole from some website somewhere totally made myself. The blue bars indicate the magnetic field lines; red are the electric field lines:

"Bang, bang Maxwell's Light Equations came down on her head! (Do do do doo doo...)"

This phenomenon, a traveling pair of coupled, oscillating  magnetic and electric fields is termed electromagnetic radiation, or more commonly, light. Maxwell proved that the speed at which these fields propagate in a vacuum is, in fact, c, the speed of light in a vacuum. Furthermore, he could prove that this speed is the same irrespective of the observer’s reference frame.  This last result places c as the absolute speed limit in our universe, and lays the groundwork for Einsteinian relativity.

V. Pretty much everything you care about is magnetic

One last little bit before we return to the comfortable world of Comic Book-Themed Summer Blockbusters. In the world of quantum physics, all particles are defined by a series of fundamental characteristics, many of which defy simple explanation. One of these is the quantum spin, so termed less because scientists actually believe that these tiny particles are spinning about their axes, and more because the math describing them is similar to that describing spinning objects. Depending on its value, a particle’s quantum spin number can imbue the particle with a magnetic dipole moment–i.e., can generate a tiny little magnetic field. This might seem like a bit of a physical curio, were it not for that fact that, many atomic nuclei (a prominent example being hydrogen–the most abundant element in the universe, and ~11% the mass of any given water molecule) and electrons each fall into this category.  Which is to say, nearly all of the particles from which you (and all of your surroundings) are made are, in fact, a tiny little magnets. This phenomenon forms the basis for both NMR spectroscopy, and medical MRI, if not a sizable portion of ill-informed beat poetry.

So, now that your knowledge of basic electrodynamics far exceeds that of the average medical student, what can we infer about Magneto’s powers?  Or rather, of his lack thereof?

Let’s start with two observations into Magneto’s behavior, which shall serve to illustrate the physical bases of his powers.  Note that I’m focusing on the incarnation of Magneto that appears in the X-Men film franchise, and less on the myriad variants that have appeared in comic books throughout the years.  This is in part because I assume the former is known to a larger audience, and in part because I’m too lazy to see if the comic literature corroborates my theory, after a careful reading of the comic literature, I’ve concluded that the powers granted him are absurd. (*Shifty eyes*)

Is it just me, or have this country's Born-again-Masters-of-Magentism taken over our national dialogue? "This country" being Genosha.

1) Magneto can “sense” the presence of magnetic fields, and, as illustrated in the famous prison-escape sequence in X-2, those elements which “respond” to them.  This appears to be an autonomic response: he’s not actively analyzing his surroundings in any sort of conscious way, but instead passively absorbs information through his magnetic “sense” in the way that, say, the thermal-sensing nerves of our skin respond to temperature.

2) Magneto frequently uses his powers to move objects along linear and/or irregular paths.  Or at least, they’re not moving along the curved field lines generated in a simple, static magnetic field (As per Gauss’ Law for Magnetism, see above).  Examples of this phenomenon are ample, and it’s nicely illustrated by each of his character climaxes (Heheheh–Ed.) in X-Men: First Class. In the first of these, Magneto Magneto slowly moves a Nazi coin along a linear path, passing it through Kevin Bacon’s Kevin Bacon’s brain. While such linear motion could be possible either by (a) running the projectile along a topologically fixed track (as in mag-lev trains), or (b) by generating a field over a tremendous distance, such that its north and south poles are essentially “at infinity,” neither really seems within his grasp here.  In the second climax (hurhur), his face-off with the assembled American/Russian flotillas, Magneto stops a barrage of missiles and gunfire mid-arc, and thereafter alters the projectiles’ trajectories numerous times. From each of these events, we can infer that Magneto is fully capable not just of creating simple, static magnetic fields, but also complicated fields that vary with time.

Now, given these, I’d like to propose…

Some Powers That Should Fall Within a “Master of Magnetism’s” Purview

Night Vision. Or rather, the ability to “see” pretty much anything at all, even without eyes. As stated on the previous page, a significant fraction of the universe’s matter generates tiny magnetic fields.  Magneto should be able to sense these fields directly, or to sense their response to his application of a larger external field.  Now, honing this trait to the point where he could make out facial expressions in the dark might take a great degree of work, but in the bare minimum he should be able to know where the walls in of a darkened room are.  This would also relate to his…

Atomic “Vision.” Nuclear Magnetic Resonance (NMR) spectroscopy–a technique that exploits the fact that atoms’ magnetic dipoles change based upon their local chemical environment–has become the workhorse application for the determination of chemical compounds‘ structures. Again, turning Erik into a functioning multidimensional NMR apparatus is probably an unreasonable feat to ask, but it should be relatively easy for him to pick out gross details of a compound’s structure (i.e. “This ‘mutation cure’ you’ve developed is rich in aromatic-adjacent alkyne groups, Beast” or, “Look out, Charles! Your wine’s been doped with Indium!”).  Bare minimum: it should be pretty hard to poison his food.

[Author's side note:magnetic fields can be used in the determination of very complex molecular structures, like those of proteins. This depends on the transfer of magnetization between physically colocalized, though nonbonded, groups–a phenomenon termed the Nuclear Overhauser Effect. I bring this up because "Nuclear Overhauser Effect" is, as far as I can tell, the only scientific term used in this post that doubles as a bitchin' superhero and/or band name, but which hasn't been used as such already.]

World’s Greatest Doctor.  Give him a radio gun, and the dude’s a walking MRI.  AND he’s already learned that human life has no intrinsic value.  That’s something you normally pick up during your residency.

…So, these traits, which all stem from Magneto’s ability to sense magnetic fields, are all well and good.  But what can a man with the ability to make his own time-varying magnetic fields do?

Light Manipulation. Maxwell’s laws illustrate that light can be thought of as an oscillating magnetic field (which, owing to Faraday’s Law, brings an oscillating electric field along for the ride).  Magneto should be able to do all sorts of funky stuff with light, either by creating new light, or by tinkering with the light around him.  This would include the entry level..

Light Bursts.  De novo creation of light allows him to do everything from Dazzler-style shenanigans to Superman-style eye-laser beams.

Invisibility. Just move any light that’s headed his way around his body, like a springtime mountain river’s water flows around a discarded oil drum.

…or more advanced techniques, like…

Shape-shifting. At least, apparent shape-shifting. Most people only know what you look like based on the light that bounces off you.  SO, Magneto could manipulate that scattered light into portraying something else.  I’d propose this mostly for tactical purposes; given my druthers, I’d be quite happy looking like Michael Fassbender.  Or Ian McKellan.  Or Jordan Stokes.

Holography. If you can manipulate your scattered light into a new image, you could do the same with light originating from/headed towards anywhere else.

[Telekinesis of non-metallic objects? Eh, probably not.  While most everything we commonly think about is a tiny magnet, when placed in an external magnetic field these magnets tend to align themselves in a perfect 50:50 distribution parallel to- and antiparallel (opposed) to- it.  So, if Magneto tried levitate you owing only to your intrinsic magnetism, roughly half of the molecules in your body would align in a direction supporting his lifting field, while half would oppose it.  In NMR we need to apply bursts of radio-frequency light to our samples in order to shift the population balance, and even then, only about 1 in 1,000,000 molecules realigns its orientation...]

Electricity Manipulation. Another fun property of magnetic fields is that they bend the paths of moving charged particles, a phenomenon known as the Lorentz Force. Now, to be fair Magneto does exploit this quite a bit to disrupt electrical equipment. But it also means that electricity is a completely useless weapon against him: any bolt of lightning thrown his way is effectively putty in his hands, and could be deflected or re-directed as he wills.  Electro, you’re useless, here. Storm, lay off the lightning.  Actually, lay off any kind of cloud formation that accumulates charge.  Now that I think of it, it’s probably best if you just sit this one out altogether. Take some time to reevaluate your priorities.

Electricity Manipulation II: Magnetic Boogaloo. You know, the funny thing about charged particles isn’t just that their paths are bent in magnetic fields.  The “bending” of their paths equates to an acceleration–the velocity vector is changing over time, so even if the speed stays unchanged (which it doesn’t have to), the direction is changing.  Charged particles have this funny way of emitting light when they’re accelerated. For electrons, this light typically falls in the spectrum of x-rays.  SO, if  Magneto gains access to some free electrons (either from a failed attempt at hitting him with a lightning bolt… I’m looking your way, Storm… or just from, like, a wall-socket somewhere), it should be trivial for him to turn himself into a Human er…. Mutant Synchotron. Grab some electrons, spin them in a toroidal (read: “doughnut-shaped”) magnetic field, and you’ve got yourself a nearly infinite supply of flesh-searing, DNA-lesion-inducing, x-rays, Mister.  Should be enough to blind anyone in the near vicinity, give cancer to most, boil Colossus alive inside his armor (if that skin’s actually made of steel), and/or use him as a source of Bremsstrahlung radiation. [N.B.: X-rays are themselves electromagnetic waves, so Magneto should be able to make them de novo.  Given an electron source, the synchotron method requires a far lower energy input on his part.  It's more sustainable–and that's a buzzword, these days.]

Electricity Manipulation III: This time, it’s personal. I noted above that Faraday’s law is my favorite of the Maxwell equations*.  Hence, it should probably come as no surprise that Magneto’s failure to exploit this law is the most personally disappointing for me.  The Master of Magnetism should, by creating magnetic fields that change over time, also be the Master of Electricity.  Let’s illustrate this with a simple example (Figure 1., below).  Let’s say Magneto’s faced with an humanoid (mutant) enemy so heinous that, as defined by virtually any moral code, it’s to everyone’s collective benefit that this enemy be extinguished.  I’ve come to call this the “Jubilee Problem” (Fig. 1a). Considering that the average human body has an electrical resistance of (depending on the physical integrity of its skin, and whether it’s wet or dry) ~500–100,000 Ω, we can approximate Jubilee as a simple grounded resistor of this value (Fig. 1b).  Now, for humans the average lethal electrical shock has a current, I, of 0.07–0.1 A; by Ohm’s Law we calculate that it would require  an electrical potential difference (voltage) of ~35–20,000 V to push this current through Jubilee.  (Note: as the current is applied, her skin will probably begin to break down, lowering her resistance and making the whole process easier.)  Proper application of Faraday’s Law (Fig. 1c), via the generation of a variable magnetic field (dΦ/dt) with a rate of change of 35–20,000 Wb/s does the trick.

Figure 1. An electrochemical solution to the "Jubilee Problem." (a) The "Jubilee Problem." (b) Reformulation of the Jubilee Problem as a simple resistor of ~500-100,000 Ω, placed between electric ground (here being the actual ground) and a possible voltage terminus (+). (c) A THING THAT SHOULD HAPPEN.

I want to clarify two points: (1) I oppose capital punishment in all of its forms, save for those expressly stated in the findings of The People vs. Scrappy-Doo (1992), for which my lawyer assures me that Jubilee qualifies.  And, (2) the direction of the current, relative to the applied magnetic field, is determined by Lenz’s law.

*-You know you’re a nerd if you’ve ever said, “…is my favorite of the Maxwell equations.”

Magneto: Where the only limitation… is Yourself!

"Earth's most powerful supervillian!" Take that, StrongNuclear-o.

So, taking into account all that we now know, how can we justify Magneto’s apparently limited scope? It would be easy to explain it non-diegetically, to infer that a character like Magneto is intrinsically limited by the scientific fluency of his writers. However, this kind of thinking relegates our discussion to the realm of literary criticism, and we Overthinkers can hardly tolerate that.  No, for the sake of keeping it zesty, let’s  keep our arguments firmly diegetic, and assume instead that any limitation on Magneto’s powers be self-consistent with the universe in which he lives.

One explanation that has already been put forth on this site simply curtails Magneto’s abilities. If he is not (as he frequently boasts) the Master of Magnetism, but merely, say, A Dude With His G.E.D. in Magnetism, then that explains it.  And yet, I find this kind of argument disappointing. After all, Magneto is the most feared mutant on Earth, the most reviled adversary of the Uncanny X-Men. These characters have encapsulated themes of youth in revolt–against antiquated, entrenched social mores, against the allegorical pubescent confusion surrounding their own forms and abilities–in a way that no comic book characters had done before, and which few have achieved since. To hamstring their most powerful opponent, the man at the center of their most heartbreaking failure, in this manner, hardly seems to do any of the characters justice.

Easy, big fella'.

It’s possible, of course, that Magneto himself doesn’t fully understand the extent of his capabilities.  Of note, he spent a large portion of his youth in a Nazi concentration camp, and likely never received any formal scientific education.  This seems unlikely to me for three reasons.  First, in some regards all mutants’ abilities seem autonomic, i.e. without need for a formal academic understanding. Without training they may manifest in uncontrollable ways, but then so does (for example) our sense of smell. With proper training, one can learn to detect subtle components in a wine’s bouquet, but no one needs to understand the biochemistry of smell just to know that they’re able to detect odor at all.  Hence, while it might not be immediately apparent to him why he’s able to “feel” the magnetic moments of hydrogen atoms, Magneto’d probably be able to do it nonetheless.  Second, I think the cultural connections to his ancestral people probably emphasized self-education in the sciences, even outside the constraints of formal schooling. Hence, he probably picked the stuff up on his own after the war. Third, and most important, there’s this.  It seems unlikely that he’d name himself for a device that uses magnets to generate electricity, without knowing that he’s able to generate electricity.

So why, then, does Erik Lehnsherr find himself limited to the telekinesis of metal objects, the sabotage of electronic devices, and the occasional force-field?  To me, the answer is simple:

Brand management.

Magneto understands that his greatest power–even beyond the awesome might of Maxwell’s Laws–is the power he holds in the public consciousness.  Consider the way that magnets and electricity are commonly thought of in society, and the way that his power subverts this notion. As small children, we’re taught that the electric outlets in our house are wild, horrifyingly dangerous devices that should be respected from a comfortable distance.  We’re rapt in terror by the unbridled power of lightning.  And all the while,  we learn that magnets can hold our crayon drawings to the refrigerator door (N.B.: not if you slam the magnet on the floor a few times.  Then it loses its magnetism.).  Even later, we learn to see magnetism as an afterthought of electricity: we can make an electromagnet from a battery and a wire, assuming we’re not building more useful circuits with them.

Fun Trivia Fact: Photoshopping Magneto's Helmet on Anne Frank's head is NEVER. FUNNY.

Magneto is a man who has taken the familiar, the docile, the seemingly meek, and has transformed it into a weapon to be respected and feared.   Without stretching the analogy too greatly, one can again see a hint of allegory for the Jewish people: they’re a group also once thought to be docile, seemingly meek, and now (for better or for worse) seen as a brawny, militaristic power that’s–if nothing else–feared.

For Magneto, this fear is most effective when his actions play directly to the audience’s preconceived (somewhat ill-informed) notions.  No super villain wants to find himself mid-diatribe, having to explain things.  Consider the following:

***

[Ext. the Franklin Mint, day. MAGNETO hovers triumphantly over a group of subdued X-MEN he's hogtied with steel girders]

MAGNETO: At LAST you puny X-men shall yield to the magnificent might of Magneto: Master of Magnetism! Watch in horror as I raze your precious Humans’ beloved Franklin Mint to its very foundations! From this day forth, NOTHING will ever be guaranteed to increase in value AGAIN!

[MAGNETO lifts his arms towards the Mint's doors, his concentration fixed, unwavering.  His eyes disappear amidst a pale-blue crackle as freakish tendrils of electricity begin to emanate from his fingertips.  With thunderous CRAKOWS, lightning bolts begin to stream freely toward the Mint's metal frame.]

CYCLOPS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Hold the phone! Since when can you shoot lightning bolts?

JEAN GREY: Yeah, you’re not the “Master of Electricity,” Magneto! Stick to the script!

MAGNETO: Well, actually, the two properties are intrinsically linked, owing to the physical laws of…

BEAST: Who chatters on about physics while holding up the Franklin Mint? That’s just idle justification if I’ve ever heard it.

MAGNETO: Wha? Hank, you of all people… I figured you’d know about the Faraday Effect…

ICEMAN: Faraday Effect?  He’s in the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants now?

MAGNETO: No, it’s…

WOLVERINE:   I think Faraday Effect’s one of the Morlocks. Also, I’m in the X-men now, for some reason.  Hey guys.

OTHER X-MEN: Hey.

MAGNETO: Look, the Faraday Effect is a fundamental law of the universe! It’s not a frackin’ supervillian!

STAN “THE MAN” LEE: Can’t it be both? I mean, Ditko and I’ve done worse…

MAGNETO: (sputters to himself inaudibly)

[THE WATCHER appears, to AUDIBLE GROANS]

THE WATCHER: Perhaps my mystical, all-seeing abilities can shed some light on the matter?

EVERYONE: NOOO!

***

Remember: the goal here is fear, not confusion. And that fear can only remain effective as long as the intended audience understands what they’re supposed to be afraid of.  The sad truth is: as long as the public fails to really understand magnetism, Magneto will be forced to play to their ignorance. And in that regard, I guess, he’ll never truly be free.

Related Posts

• X-Men: Tinker, Xavier, Lensherr, Spy
• Episode 153: Captain Michael Ironside of the USS Ironside
• The Aluminium Conundrum: Magneto’s Powers and Metallic Structure
• Open Thread for September 2, 2011
• Episode 162: The Apes of Wrath

Two weeks ago, I challenged you to celebrate the beginning of summer movie season by besmirching classic movies with cliches. In other words, what would happen if the horrible brain disease that afflicts Michael Bay were to be weaponized and sent back in time by al-Qaeda agents intent on destroying America’s most enduring legacy: our Hollywood films?

As usual, I’m in awe of your creativity, and it wasn’t easy narrowing this down. First, I’ll give you my favorite entries for each of the four cliches. Then, I’ll reveal my favorite entry that combined all of them, and has earned its author a brand new OTI t-shirt.

CLICHE #1: ADD A ONE-LINER TO A FAMOUS SCREEN DEATH.

Chris conjured up a perfect Family Guyesque cutaway with this:

Man stands over Bambi’s dead mother. “Oh dear,” he says with a smirk, before lighting up a cigar.

The reason I love this is it immediately suggests a flood of other cliches, like a vengeful Bambi being trained in kung fu by a wise old otter, Bambi taking out every member of that hunting party with brutal efficiency, Thumper being skinned and left at Bambi’s doorstep in retaliation, and a final showdown between Bambi and the lead hunter in the middle of a driving rainstorm. I’d call it, Bambi: First Blood.

Honorable mention goes to Mark:

Chingachgook stands facing a bruised and defeated Magua. “You’re about to feel the Blast of the Mohicans!” He spins and smashes his blue warclub of death into Magua’s head, sending him plummeting off the cliff.

You have to admit, that would work great in 3D.

CLICHE #2: THE BAD GUY IS STILL MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE.

Squin really knocked it out of the park with this image. What I love about this is he included like 20 setup panels. You’re scrolling down and thinking, okay, where is this going? And then pow. Incidentally, we need to get a Kickstarter project going for a live action Wolfenstein movie. We could raise 200 million dollars like that.

Honorable mention goes to Mark again:

Jack and Marla hold hands while they watch the buildings collapse. Suddenly, Tyler Durden appears behind them and karate kicks Jack in the back, knocking him to the ground. “What part of ‘imaginary friend’ don’t you get?” shouts Tyler. Jack and Tyler resume their existential debate. Tyler realizes that Marla is the problem and begins attacking her. Marla, only seeing that Jack fell to the ground, talked to himself, and then started attacking her, grabs the gun and puts it in Jack’s mouth. “The first rule of Marla Singer is: you do not F*** with Marla Singer!” She shoots out Jack’s other cheek. Tyler collapses to the ground with another gunshot wound out the back of his head. Jack and Marla embrace.

In this case, the bad guy coming back to life is completely plausible.

CLICHE #3: INSERT ANCIENT PROPHESY.

Hands down, my favorite was this one from Squin (again):

Ancient Sumerian texts foretold a legend that would come to pass, a legend of a man and his miraculous wheeled device. A man who would cross the desert, walk on the site of a great battle, and befriend a murderous tribe before becoming an icon of his people.

Then there’s an image link as the punchline. But before I provide that, I just want to point out that this is a pretty accurate description of Road Warrior. I mean, he’s got the badass car in the post-apocalyptic desert, and he becomes the savior of a savage tribe. That’s what I thought it was going to be. Okay, now here’s the link.

And it totally works. Nicely done. Honorable mention to Trevor, who gives John McClane an even more useful mentor than the dad from Family Matters.

John: “What have you been smoking? There are terrorists crawling all over this building!”

Old guy: “Then your course work will be lighter in load. For it is written that a profane, balding cop would be my greatest pupil.”

John: “We haven’t got time!”

Old guy: “We always have time, it’s how we use it that defines us.”

CLICHE #4: ADD CRAZY CAR CHASE.

Chris goes art house with this one:

After losing to Death in chess, Antonius hops in a vintage 1973 Corvette and speeds off, with Death following on a motorcycle. Due to his superior handling skills, Antonius is not only able to get away from Death, but Death actually dies after flipping his motorcycle over a wild strawberries stand. Then, Antonius doubles back and (here’s a Clichemageddon double whammy for you) quips, “Death shall be no more, Death, thou shalt die.”

And for those of you who are like, “The Seventh Seal was made way before 1973,” I have to point out that this is a man who plays chess against Death. He’s not going to let the space-time continuum get between him and a sweet ride.

And speaking of art house, honorable mention goes to Mike:

[Elizabeth climbs into waiting barouche-landau and drives off. Mr. Collins leaps onto his plunging black charger and gives chase]

Mr. Collins: I say, I shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long!

Elizabeth [urging the horses on]: I am perfectly serious in my refusal! — You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who would make you so!

Mr. Collins [leaping over ravine]: I cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all disapprove of you. And you may be certain that when I have the honour of seeing her again I shall speak in the highest terms of your modesty, economy, and other amiable qualifications!

Elizabeth [just making it onto a ferry, as Mr. Collins reins in at the shore]: I wish you very happy and very rich, and by refusing your hand, do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise.

Mr. Collins: When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on this subject I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me.

[Mr. Collins expression of steely resolve; dramatic chipmunk music]

Not sure what Chipmunk music he’s referring to, but I can totally see Keira Knightley pulling this off. She was in Pirates! Also playing an Englishwoman named Elizabeth!

Now it’s time for the entries that combined all four cliches. 2nd runner up is Steven, for his very involved script for Back to the Future Part 3. His entry is 1,070 words long, includes Marty being severely wounded with a spear, and ends with the oldest cliche in the book: it was all a dream.

1st runner up is Paul, who took Toy Story to a very dark place. Here’s how he hit all four cliches. (NOTE: This is my summarized version. Go read the whole thing!)

ANCIENT PROPHESY: “Hey Buzz,” said Woody, “I was just reading one of Andy’s old comic books, and an ad in there said that you’d have an upgrade coming this year!” (You see what Paul did there?)

CAR CHASE: Buzz tries to kill Woody, and Woody flees in the Barbie Corvette.

VILLAIN RESURRECTION: After being dismembered by Sid, Buzz turns up miraculously alive.

“Buzz? How?” questioned Woody as he choked.

“Buzz? My name is Charles Lee Ray.”

To my shame, I had to Google this. And it turns out that Charles Lee Ray is the name of the serial killer whose spirit winds up in the body of Chucky. That’s really clever, and I appreciate the veiled reference. And finally…

ONE LINER: Jessie blows up Buzz with some lithium ion batteries. And then she says: “To infinity, and beyond.” You have to admire how he turned the movie’s most famous quote into a perfect screen death bon mot.

But I think the winner has to be Brian, for his fantastic Michael Bayification of There Will Be Blood.

ONE LINER: As Plainview kills Eli with a bowling pin: “Looks like only one pin can dance on the head of an angel.” (NOTE: Daniel Day-Lewis also delivered that Last of the Mohegans one-liner. Coincidence?)

ANCIENT PROPHESY: Eli turns out to be the Third Revelation, which means….

VILLAIN RESURRECTION: … he comes back to life with telekinetic powers, leading to…

CAR CHASE: … a climatic car v. locomotive chase.

The whole entry is totally worth reading, but will probably ruin that movie for you forever. Here’s the money quote from Plainview:

“You know, losing my mustache and being chased by a zombie with telekinetic powers of magnetism taught me something about the human spirit. I’ve been a narcissistic jerk, and killing over oil and not caring for others is a no win game, oil is polluting- environmentally and emotionally. I’m gonna start using renewable energy from now on, Positive Thinking-the most renewable energy there is. I’m finished!”

Congratulations Brian! I’ll email you about the t-shirt soon. And once again, thank you to everyone who participated. We know you have a choice when it comes to procrastination, and we appreciate you wasting your time with us.

Well folks, that’s it for this round of Clichemaggedon. But this stuff is just too much fun to wait another year for, so I might have another fill-in-the-blank contest in a couple months. In the meantime, gather ye popcorn flicks while ye may, for before you know it we’re going to be neck deep in prestige pictures starring Meryl Streep.

Related Posts

• Clichemageddon 3D
• Clichémageddon 2: The Clichémagging
• Clichemageddon 2: The Winners
• Clichemageddon: The Reckoning
• CLICHEMAGEDDON!

Unlike the people who actually make the summer movies, I’m trying something a little different this year. Instead of a fill-in-the-blank contest like in 2010 and 2009, this time you’ll take existing movies and insert cliches. You see, on rare occasions, Hollywood will make a film that isn’t entirely predictable and by the numbers. Your challenge is to correct these oversights.

Think you’re up to it? Then read on…

I’m listing four cliches below. Think about how they can “improve” your favorite films, and write up an example in the comments. You can either just describe the scene, or give us some dialogue. But no need to go overboard; I’m not giving out bonus points for length. You can certainly tackle just one or two cliches, and I’ll be picking my favorites for each of the four. But if you want to win this lovely t-shirt, which will totally earn you Cool Points at your local hipster bar, you have to do ALL four. (You don’t have to use the same movie for all four, although that could be kind of cool.)

1. ADD A ONE-LINER TO A FAMOUS SCREEN DEATH. What’s the point of killing someone if you don’t say something funny/cool after you do it? Example: Sonny Corleone gets shot at a toll booth. An assassin walks up to the dying but still barely alive mafioso. “You should have brought your EZ Pass,” he smirks, before shooting him in the face.

2. THE BAD GUY IS STILL MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE. As the writer Kevin Williamson pointed out in the original Scream, “This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.” The beauty of this is it allows us to kill the bad guy all over again. Example: After Darth Vader throws the Emperor down the reactor shaft, he and Luke share a tender moment. “Tell your sister… you were right.” Suddenly, the Emperor is back, horribly burnt but still throwing lightning. Luke realizes that both he and his father lost their lightsabers in the throne room. Luke exchanges a look with his dad, and then they both use the Force to send Vader’s faceplate flying across the room like a buzzsaw, decapitating the Emperor. (For extra points, incorporate a one-liner.)

3. INSERT ANCIENT PROPHESY. Harry Potter, The Matrix, The Mummy 2, Avatar, the Star Wars prequels…. any blockbuster worth its celluloid needs to have a whispered myth that makes the main character not merely a hero, but The Chosen One. Example: “Every inmate in Shawshank had heard the prophesy about the man who would someday escape these walls with the aid of a beautiful woman. The one who would crawl through filth and come out clean as morning dew. I always thought it was a lot of nonsense. I certainly never thought it was going to be Andy Dufresne.”

4. ADD CRAZY CAR CHASE. Is there any movie that could NOT be improved by the magnificent sight of a police car flying into the air, twisting around like an Olympic gymnast, and landing on top of another police car? No, there isn’t. Science has proven this. Example: “If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” “But Rick, the plane’s leaving from the airport in 15 minutes, and we’re on the other side of town! We’ll never make it!” “My dear, I’d like to introduce you to the only German thing I like: my 1939 supercharged Mercedes-Benz. I named her Ilsa–hope you don’t mind. Hold onto your hat, kid.”

You’ve got five days to leave a comment below with your Clichemageddon 3D entries. The comments will close Friday at midnight, and winners will be announced next week. So have fun ruining improving your favorite films… and good luck.

Related Posts

• Clichemaggedon 3D: The Winners
• Clichémageddon 2: The Clichémagging
• Clichemageddon 2: The Winners
• Clichemageddon: The Reckoning
• CLICHEMAGEDDON!

Overthink Something Else

• USA at the 2010 World Cup: Pop Culture Roundup
• Who’s the greatest female magician of all time?
• Shield Supplement 1 [REPOST]
• Analysis: Obama Plan Raises Taxes For Many Plumbers
• Slumdog Millionaire: How Much is 20 Million Rupees, Anyway?

I mean, look at that dude. Totally sweet wig.

The coolest thing about this book by Immanuel Kant is that when you are a kid they teach you that there was a time once when everybody wore powdered wigs, and everybody you learn about from that time was either on the British side or the American side of the American Revolution. Except some of them were French, but they were on America’s side because of Ben Franklin.

Then, when you get to college, you learn that there is this other guy who is not English or American, and probably not French, who also either wore a wig or just had hair like that, and he wrote crazy books. Like, books that don’t make any sense at all, like you can’t even read them, and it’s not like they’re in French or anything (he’s not French, as I said already, I think).

This is cool because when you are a kid you sometimes think you’ve already learned everything cool, and then when you grow up you only learn things that are boring. Like, how when you were a kid there were cool codes in video games, but now we have walkthroughs for whole games, or the way to have infinite lives is just to select it on the difficulty level screen, which while kind of fun to be able to do, isn’t very cool at all.

So it is cool that there were other people with wigs and that they were crazy. This book is about the categorical imperative.

Related Posts

• OverWinging It: Season 2, Episodes 3-5
• The Death of the Author and of Katy Perry
• Commander Shepard and the Effective Agenda
• But Thou Must: Video Games and the Categorical Imperative